S1 P15-21
p15-21 s1
Moonlight.
Connie and Tristan enter a very large room. It is an unused dilapidated recreation area, once something grander.
Connie Oh my word.
She instinctively gets closer to him.
Tristan Fuuuck.
They laugh. They make noises that echo.
Connie It’s amazing to be somewhere with space.
She enjoys the space. She does something gymnastic.
Tristan watches her, lights a cigarette. He puts the cigarette in her mouth as she is in the gymnastic position. She smokes it.
Tristan Why do they keep it? It’s falling to bits.
Connie It’ll be a listed building. It’d probably cost more to do it up than to close off like this.
Tristan You’re such a grown up. Imagine them all in here, rocking.
Connie (re her gymnastics)
Can you do any tricks?
Tristan I’ll show you on one condition.
Connie What?
Tristan Come traveling with me after this.
Connie (sound)
!
Tristan Why not? Doesn’t have to be for long. We’ll go anywhere you like.
Connie I’m not going traveling with you. I barely know you.
Tristan What do you want to know?
Connie Tris, I’m not doing that, my course, my relationship, my work.
Tristan Don’t be so practical! Be romantic!
Connie That’s not romantic, that’s insane! You’d be doing what you’re doing anyway, just with some company. You’re the one being practical!
Tristan Do you think your parents would like me?
Connie !
Tristan Do they like him?
Connie Piss off.
Tristan I bet they don’t. He must be older, right? Is he older?
Just tell me he’s not your teacher or something.
Connie He’s not — stop it.
Tristan Just tell me it’s not that.
Connie It’s not. He never taught me.
Tristan Oh fuck.
Connie The reason I’m not at all bothered about what you think is I know exactly what you think and I know it’s not true.
Tristan Boring anyway. Let’s get back to what do you want to know about me?
Connie Nothing, Tris, seriously.
Tristan Nothing?!
Connie No I do, course I do. You’re very interesting. Just. I feel weird, that’s all. I don’t feel what I’d feel like in real life.
Tristan This is real life. When is it real then?
Connie No I mean. The anti-depressant, the doctor said, they’re designed to stimulate certain, like dopamine. Which is the rush you get if something exciting happens or, when you — well it’s fake, it’s a chemical that feels like. Like falling for someone.
Beat.
Tristan So?
Connie So forgive me if I take everything with a big pinch of, you know …
Tristan What you think I don’t like you properly because of the —?
Connie I think it’s a strong possibility.
Tristan Bullshit. I can tell the difference between who I am and a side effect.
Connie With respect Tristan, no you definitely can’t.
Tristan You’re saying any attraction is a result of the trial.
Connie Part of it could be.
Tristan You must be basing that on feeling a sort of attraction then?
Connie I didn’t say that! It’s a chemical reaction, is what I’m saying.
Tristan But I’m still me.
Connie No, yes, you’re you, but under the influence of something. If you were really pissed and going ‘I love you, you’re my best mate’ I wouldn’t believe it either.
Tristan Why not? Men say that and mean it, they just can’t say it when they’re sober.
Connie Yeah but they’ll have known that person (ages) — and I don’t know, I’m just telling you what the doctor said.
Tristan Ah, what does she know? They don’t know anything, knowledge is a myth.
Connie Okay …
Tristan They wouldn’t be trialling if they knew. I once had chronic diarrhoea for six days straight, nobody predicted that.They say all sorts of shit, they say you have to give in your phone because it interferes with the equipment.
Connie You do have to give in your phone because it interferes with the equipment.
Tristan Jesus, do you want a phone? I’ll give you a phone. I give in a dummy.
He roots around in his bag and tosses her a phone.
Tristan Say you have to make a call, get your phone back, go to the loo and put the sim in this one. ‘Interferes with the equipment’, it’s like they say that on planes. It’s just that it’s really hard to control a bunch of people if they’ve got phones.Anytime anyone says turn off your phone you should worry that’s a situation where you might die, not worry about thefucking equipment.
Connie Can I actually have this?
Tristan Yeah I normally sell them but that’s a shit one.
Connie I like it it’s like the ’90s.
Tristan You don’t really think that? That I only like you, cos I’m high or something.
Connie Everything we do is just about what’s pumping round inside us, isn’t it?
Tristan Well that’s a cold way of looking at a person.
Connie Why?!
We are our bodies, our bodies are us … there’s not something more … And that’s fine. That’s enough. It’slike, the world is incredible and beautiful, even though we know there’s no god behind it. It’s even more amazing for that.
Tristan Hang on, we know there’s no God behind it?
Connie Yeah, I mean, sorry. Oh, really?
Tristan What?
Connie You believe in God?
Tristan What? It’s alright, you look disappointed(!)
Connie No, it’s terrible isn’t it, you just assume — when you meet someone and you …
Tristan When you meet someone …
Connie And you get on, you assume …
Tristan I knew it! You’re disappointed I believe in God because you like me! (Thank you Lord.)
Connie Sorry that’s awful.
Tristan No no no. Let’s say you’re right, let’s say we’re attracted to each other (because we are you just admitted it and you can’t go back now), let’s say we’re attracted to each other and that’s been kicked off by these …
Connie The dopamine.
Tristan Drugs or whatever. So what?
Connie What d’you mean?
Tristan What difference does it make?
Connie Well clearly then it’s something to be wary of.
Tristan It is what it is. Doesn’t matter why.
Connie It matters massi — … It’s all that matters.
Tristan Why?
Connie Because, it’s the reason.
Tristan So?
Connie I can’t work out if I understand something you don’t or you understand something I don’t.
Tristan People meet each other and fall in love all sorts of ways, doesn’t matter what starts it. I’m sure there’s a rush of something chemical if you meet on holiday or on a bus with a bomb on it, doesn’t mean Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock Aren’t really in love.
Connie What? Speed?! You’re giving me Speed!?
Tristan I couldn’t think of a recent film.
Connie Say film again.
Tristan (Piss off!) It’s a bit like speed actually, this, this feeling isn’t it. The taste in your throat.
Connie I wouldn’t know.
Tristan But you think it’s fake? So what you think a few years on, Sandra and Keanu are just sat in a restaurant in silence thinking why did I marry this loser, all we had in common was a bus!
Connie (laughing)
Yeah I do actually, I do!
Tristan I like your laugh.
Connie Do you know why?
Tristan It’s sexy.
Connie No actually why. It’s a show of submission.
Tristan What?!
Connie Laughing is a way of showing submission, so men like it when women laugh. It shows they’re dominant.
Tristan In my fuck! You laugh when something’s funny.
Connie No. You don’t laugh out loud alone watching a sitcom.
Tristan Yes you do.
Connie You don’t. It’s a social thing. It says ‘I get the joke, I’m clever’, or you use it to show you’re attracted to someone.The head thrown back, the throat exposed.
Tristan That’s not why you laugh. You laugh at someone else. It’s not all about you.
I’ve taken drugs before, right? There’s Not a drug in the world can really make you look at someone and find them attractive or listen to ’em and find them interesting or —
Connie Yes there is!
Tristan Not smell them and … know.
He’s advanced closer and closer until now they can just about smell the other.
Connie That’s pheromones isn’t it?
Tristan Is there no mystery for you?
Connie There is, but it’s more than smelling? It takes work.
Tristan You don’t really believe that?
Connie What?
Tristan About love and that?
Beat.
Connie I just think it comes and goes. There’s a period of time, maybe enough to raise a child and then … You know, the few times I’ve ever loved anyone they’ve always, at some point they’ve written I Love You in the snow or the sand — on holiday — to me. And it’s wonderful, but the next time someone … it happens, or the next even … you think, Oh okay.Again. And you think of the last time. And what that meant. And, just for it to get washed away or melt or …
Tristan Some people never get loved like that.
Connie I know.
Tristan If I did that, for you, I’d be holding back the sea from ever coming in.
Connie You’re sunshine, you know that. I bet you thought the dry cleaning business was a success cos of your great business plan, didn’t you?
Tristan Of course. It was!
Connie So you take drugs then, proper ones ?
Tristan / Sometimes. You?
Connie No. I just think of drugs as like fags or cheese or something, if you get to a point and you’re not into them, don’tget into them you’ll only have to give them up down the line cos they’re bad for you.
Tristan It’s about trying something new.
Connie Sure but it’s only new once. Then it’s the same as everything else.
Tristan But everything has to be new once!
Connie Sure but it’s essentially a way of distracting yourself.
Tristan From what?
Connie From the fact that you and everyone you love is definitely gonna die.
Mini-beat.
Tristan Good! I’m glad I’m distracting myself from that! Good!
Connie Just thinking, oh this thing will make me happy, no this thing, no it must be that next thing. Like why are you going travelling?
Tristan To see things, meet people. Have my mind … expanded.
Connie Cool man.
Tristan What?!
Connie Nothing. You’ll go to different countries and talk to people with flags sewn on their backpacks about traveller things, and get stoned and say hey did you ever think that maybe the red you see and the red I see are actually not the same red — / ?
/ She feigns shooting herself in the head.
Connie Like look at this square metre.
She’s talking about the floor.
Tristan What?
She sits, kneels beside it.
Connie There’s a whole world here. It’s just what you notice. Look at the floor.
Tristan Tiles.
Connie Yeah it used to be. Different colours.
Tristan Tiny tiles.
Connie Mosaic. That seems weird.
Tristan Why would people put a mosaic on the floor of a mental asylum?
Connie Maybe it wasn’t a mental asylum when it was built.
Tristan Or maybe they thought mental patients spend a lot of time looking down.
She smiles at him.
Connie See all of this, you can get all of this from one square yard. You don’t need to change continent every day.
Tristan That would work, that would work except for one thing.
Connie What?
Tristan You wouldn’t be in here in the first place if it wasn’t for me.
Beat.
Tristan Come travelling with me.
Connie Oh come on — we don’t know each other!
Tristan How do you know anyone?
Connie When you’ve talked to them, when you trust them —
Tristan You’ve come into a mental asylum with me at night! You trust me. I’m going to the fucking Taj Mahal. One of the wonders of the world, the most incredible testament to love ever built. You got that in your square yard?
Connie Why don’t you do your trick.
Beat.
Tristan I could actually.
Connie I really want to see it.
Tristan Do you?
Connie Yeah.
Tristan (I might go outside the square yard is that okay?/)
Connie (/ That’s fine.)
He cycles through tracks on his phone. He plays one.
He gets drawing pins from an old notice-board and stabs them into his soles.
Tristan performs a tap-dance to the music. It is surprisingly good.
Tristan (I was regional junior Ulster tap champion 1994.)
Towards the end he puts his arms around Connie to half-dance with her and leading to a kiss.
p15-21 s1
p30-33 s2
Darkness.
Light. Connie and Tristan.
Connie Our dog used to have seizures. My parent’s dog. It’s very upsetting. I mean, not when you talk about it, it seems like a joke — ‘My dog’s got epilepsy.’ ‘Really? How does he smell?’ ‘Awful, he pisses himself, and the carpet, it’s a real problem.’
Darkness.
Light.
Connie is hitting Tristan with his own hand.
Connie What are you hitting yourself for? What are you hitting yourself for?
Tristan I want you to hit me.
Connie Why?
Tristan Cos then I can show how much I don’t mind.
Darkness.
Light.
Tristan squeezes a spot on Connie until it bursts.
Darkness.
Light.
Tristan Like what?!
Connie I don’t know like, anything, I think I say … I think I say ‘everything’s going to be fine’. Do I?
Tristan Whilst you’re weeing?
Connie No, before, to make myself. I don’t know.
Tristan Why? Out loud?
Connie Yeah. Quietly. ‘Everything’s going to be fine.’ Like a distraction so I can … ‘Everything’s fine.’ Yes, ‘Everything’s Fine.’
Tristan Are you going to make yourself wee?
Connie No!
He kisses her hand.
Darkness.
Light.
Tristan Where will we live?
Connie Paris, New York. A farm. Anywhere.
Tristan I’m opening a dry cleaners.
Darkness.
Light.
They look directly at each other, look away, look back.
Darkness.
Light.
Tristan I know they don’t want to see me. You know I hear that from people. And I can’t say it’s not mutual. But you know Iwould have settled. I would have — I was okay being a disappointment. And be alright with that. I was happy to be an acceptable failure.
Darkness.
Light.
Connie and Tristan are making love face to face.
Connie Ask me who’s in charge.
Tristan What?
Connie Ask me who’s in charge.
Tristan Who’s in charge?
Connie You are.
Darkness.
In the darkness.
Connie / TristanI / I love you.
End Experiment Here.
Wait fifteen minutes.
Begin Again.
Dr James holding a variety of tampons in her hands, mostly small white non-applicator bullets. Connie comes in and choose between them, slightly shyly. She takes one.
Dr James (You can take more than one.)
Connie takes a couple more.
Dr James I’m sorry I can’t give you any painkillers.
Connie I don’t need any. It’s just early, I think.
Dr James pockets the surplus.
Dr James I’m sorry if I was a bit firm the other night.
Connie No, we were out of order. Sorry. It’s weird. You don’t get told off very much as an adult it’s —
Dr James Shame’s a very powerful emotion.
Connie And it feels like everything I feel is heightened anyway …
Dr James So. It seems your telemetry box must have come off last night while you were in bed.
Beat.
Connie Oh, yeah, did it?
Dr James But then you must have put it back on.
Connie That’s right.
Dr James It’s best to reattach it before you drift off, when you’re comfortable.
Connie Okay.
Dr James K. It was exactly the same time as Tristan’s did too.
Connie Oh.
Dr James It seems I’m missing eight hours of each of your hearts.
Pause. Breathing.
Dr James / Connie.
Connie / That’s weird.
Beat.
Connie Sorry.
Dr James What is it you’re sorry about?
Connie Nothing, actually. I wanted to see if he was alright, he was ill, we’ve both been feeling pretty dodgy —
Dr James How do you know he was feeling ill?
Connie How do I know?
Dr James How did you know?
Connie Text.
Dr James He texted you on a phone?
Connie Yes.
Dr James You know phones are banned, they interfere with the equipment.
Connie I know.
Beat.
Connie How?
Dr James Sorry?
Connie How do they?
Dr James The signal they give off.
Connie What though?
Dr James It … interferes with medical electronic devices.
Connie It doesn’t seem like that can be true though, people would be dying everywhere wouldn’t they?
Dr James Have you had sex? I need you to be honest with me.
Beat. Connie makes a sound of discomfort.
Dr James Just answer the question, medically! Have you had sex in the last twenty-four hours?
Connie Yes. But none of it went, where it would have to go.
Dr James He didn’t ejaculate inside you?
Connie Oh god! No! Don’t write a sonnet about it.
Dr James You know that’s no protection against anything. There’s still all sorts of risk.
Connie Really? Or is that like the way phones interfere with the equipment?
Beat.
Dr James You know you’re going to have to leave.
Connie Fine. Chuck us off. Least then I’ll know.
Dr James Not you both. You.
Connie Why?
Dr James Because Twinkle over there doesn’t have a womb.
Connie That doesn’t seem fair — We didn’t really. I’m sorry. We were just messing about. There isn’t any risk of anything.
Dr James I’m not your sex education teacher, Connie. I’m trying to run a trial, which you’ve put into jeopardy.
Connie I understand there’s a leasing of bodies involved here, but you can’t expect to police how we feel.
Dr James That is exactly my role. You’re vulnerable. The drug is designed to stimulate transmitters that are linked to poor decision-making and risk-taking —
Connie You can’t give us something that causes poor decisions and risks then have a go at us for … taking risks and making bad decisions!
Dr James … Okay, but you have to take some responsibility. You don’t know what you feel.
Connie I know and it’s horrible!
Dr James This has to stop.
Connie I think only one of us is on the drug, the way you give them out and the way I feel today I think he is and I’m not.
Dr James During all trials someone has to be on placebo, to compare to, a control.
Connie But if I’m on a placebo, he’s saying all this stuff, I can’t believe him. It’s driving me mad!
Dr James That’s exactly why you shouldn’t be involved.
Connie I can’t help the way I feel!
Dr James But you can help the way you’re behaving.
Connie I think I might be in love with him! You have to tell me.
Dr James I can’t give you any information. It compromises the trial.
Connie You’re doing this whole trial to help people who are unhappy, aren’t you, and it’s making me desperately unhappy and you don’t want to help me!
Dr James Of course I do —
Connie I’ll just tell Tristan we both have to leave and then … then —
Beat.
Dr James Is that what you want to do?
Beat.
Connie At home in real life. I have a boyfriend.
Dr James Right.
Connie And I do love him I think. But if I did why would I —? I keep thinking is this real, or is that … real?
Dr James I can’t help you with that.
Connie Why? Aren’t you a psychiatrist?
Dr James I’m a person(!)
Connie Talk to me like a person then.
Dr James Okay … (?)
Connie I thought I was happy and now I see I was terribly unhappy and I can’t work out what’s changed.
Beat.
Dr James I was having a tough time, quite a few years ago. I’d broken up from a long relationship I’d been in forever and that was a big decision and I’d lost a parent after a long … time. And I was supposed to be going away for work, a conference, but I didn’t know if I could, I’m afraid of flying and I nearly didn’t make it. But I did, and that week turned out tobe one of the best weeks of my life. Professionally and just, in terms of … fun and new horizons. I met lots of interesting people and got very — you know it was good. And I got on very well with one guy there who was great and funny and a force of real joy in the room. Even though I was a mess — and well he was married — but it was one of those chance encounters that give you hope, because you think god, there are great people out there and they seem to think I’m great and … It felt like — beginnings, you know. So on the flight back I was sat next to another doctor, a woman, and she recognised me and we talked and she knew this guy and she said, oh you didn’t sleep with him did you? And I say no why?!(She indicates through mouthing it and physicality that actually she did.)
So apparently he really puts it around, he’s the notorious shagabout on the conference circuit and younger, less astute girls would, you know. And it was strange because it wasn’t till then — … As we flew back I sort of felt something dissolve, in the jet stream, like something got eroded down.And by the time I got back it was dark.
Connie I’m sorry.
Dr James No(!)
Connie Tristan’s not like that.
Dr James Of course not.
Connie Please. Just tell me.
Dr James He’s not on the drug. Tristan’s on a placebo.
Connie Oh. Okay.
Dr James You see?
Connie Right.
Dr James So he’s vulnerable in a different way.
Connie Is that okay? To lie to him like that?
Dr James It’s essential. We do it all the time. In hospital, when a patient cries out in the night they’ve probably had all their morphine but we inject them with saline instead. And it helps.
Connie Really?
Dr James Oh yes. The history of medicine is mostly just the history of placebo, since we know now almost none of it worked.
Beat.
Connie Gosh. My head.
Dr James Are you okay? Your blood pressure’s low.
Connie Maybe I could just stay on it forever? No. I know, I’m joking.
It has to stop, doesn’t it.
Dr James It has to stop. We’re scheduled to increase dosage again today. I hope you’re happy to stay.
Tristan Something’s not right, I can feel it.
Dr James Not right in what way?
Tristan I’m fucking streaming here.
Dr James Your eyes are watering?
Tristan That’s not the fucking worst of it.
Dr James Is that an emotional response?
Tristan Like what?
Dr James Is it linked to how you feel?
Tristan Like crying? I don’t know.
Dr James Are you upset?
Tristan I’m upset cos my eyes won’t stop watering.
Dr James Do you want me to get you a drink?
p30-33 s2
p36-40 s3a
DOSAGE INCREASE:150mg
Tristan , delighted to see Connie, takes his and makes a face at Connie, goofing around.
Connie sees but deliberately ignores him, perturbed, and takes hers, now aware of the difference between them.
Tristan senses her coldness and it distresses him.
He hugs her. They kiss and she pulls away.
Connie No.
Tristan What?
Connie Just. Wait. Maybe we should wait till we know more, how we feel.
Tristan I know how I feel.
Connie I don’t.
Tristan Why?!
Connie Don’t be angry.
Tristan Don’t tell me what to/ — (feel)
Connie / Sorry. Be what you like.
Tristan It’s not going to change, the way I feel, Con —
Connie But what if it fades … or worse, for one of us and not the other.
Tristan That’s the risk!
Connie I just want it to be fair.
Tristan Fair? What is it? Is this about him? Have you talked to him?
Connie No.
Tristan Do you love him?
Connie It’s not hard to love someone, Tris.
Tristan It shouldn’t be.
Connie It makes people do mad shit too, you know? It makes them try and top themselves, or lie over and over.
Tristan Love?
Connie Don’t look at me like that I know you think I’m talking shit.
Tristan No I don’t. I know what you’re saying. Like people’s kids.
Connie What?
Tristan Loving their kids. Get ’em work experience so they get a job, get ’em a car, a degree. I love my kids, who cares ifthey’re assholes or lazy, fuck everyone else’s kids. I love my kids. So. Much. Love.
She frowns, amused.
Connie Yeah(!)
Tristan Fuck love.
Connie Yeah, fuck love(!)
Tristan So let’s fuck love together.
He tries to be physical again.
Connie No.
Tristan No?
Connie I’m just trying to keep this safe.
Tristan Safe? Are you frightened of me now?
Connie No. Why, should I be?
Tristan Yeah I’m a fucking monster. Just say what you mean.
Connie I am. I’m saying no.
Tristan To what?
Connie I’m in a relationship and you’re clearly not a relationship kind of guy —
Tristan Where did that come from?!
Connie You’re a flirty, you know, bit of a player type —
Tristan No I’m not!
Connie I’ve seen you be like that! I’ve seen you flirt with the doctor for god’s sake.
Tristan Are you joking? Christ Connie, she’s nearly fifty!
Connie I know. What are you saying women can’t be attractive in their forties?!
Tristan No, I’m the one that’s been flirting with her apparently! … Has she been saying things about me?
Connie No. It’s none of your business.
Tristan You’re not telling me something.
Connie You’re being weird.
Tristan You’re lying.
Connie I haven’t said anything, how can I be lying?!
Tristan By not telling me stuff.
Connie There’s loads of stuff I’m not telling you all the time, otherwise it would be unbearable!
Tristan That’s exactly the sort of thing people say when they’re lying.
Her hair comes out in her hands.
Tristan Why are you doing that with your hair?
Connie My hair’s coming out.
Tristan Mine’s coming out too.
Connie Yeah but not because of the drug.
Tristan Fuck you.
Connie I didn’t mean that!
Tristan Tell me what’s going on!
Connie Nothing! I don’t have to tell you everything you know. We’re not going out.
Tristan I’m starting to thank fuck. Just don’t rewrite what’s happened. / Don’t make out I’m —
Connie / I’m not! What do you care? That’s in the past anyway. I thought you wanted to live now?
Tristan I want you to live now. You’re always talking about what happens afterwards or how we got here, tell me what you feel now?
Connie It doesn’t matter what I feel, what does it matter with / everything?!
Tristan / Because I’m asking you!
Connie I don’t know!
Tristan You’re so scared. Why are you so scared all the time?! It’s like being with an old woman, ‘What might go wrong though?!’
Connie This is my life!
Tristan Exactly!
Connie You don’t care do you?
Tristan Course I do.
Connie Because you just want it NOW. You know maybe you should start thinking about the future a bit.
Tristan What?!
Connie You’re not exactly on a gap year are you, Tris. It’s become a sort of gap life.
Tristan That’s a horrible thing to say.
Connie Then don’t say I’m boring just cos I’m not giving you what you want!
Tristan Are you saying I’m not good enough for you?
Connie No I’m saying sort yourself / out first
Tristan / I’m punching above my weight?
Connie — before you make out I’m a coward. I’m happy with my life.
Tristan Ha! Yeah course you are, you look happy, you look fucking delighted!
Connie You’ve got no idea how I feel.
Tristan TELL ME!
Connie You’re like a child.
Tristan I’m fine for a quick fuck but secretly you want the older, duller man who’s gonna provide and bring some cash to thefucking table?
Connie Oh my god /
Tristan That’s basically what you said —
Connie / what are we even talking about?
Tristan Gap life!
Connie I’m the one that’s sat there and watched you do your cheeky twinkly stuff with Dr James and you were a bit of a sleaze with me before you even knew me what am I supposed to think?!
Tristan I don’t — You’re the one in a relationship, as you keep going on / about
Connie You go on about it!
Tristan — I’m allowed! I can do what I like!
Connie Oh so I’m a slag now?
Tristan No! Put away your paranoia, love.
Connie Don’t call me love. It’s so tacky.
Beat.
Tristan Connie. Con. Come on. Kiss and make up.
Connie No, I feel sick.
Tristan I make you sick(?)
Connie I didn’t say that. I’m not going to kiss you. I don’t want to be sick on you.
Tristan I don’t care. Be sick in my mouth. I’ll eat it up.
Connie God(!)
Tristan What?
Connie I said I feel sick!
Tristan Am I a bit coarse for you? Is that it? Are you used to something more refined? Some wine-drinking chino-wearingcunt?
Connie You don’t get to talk about him, you understand? You don’t get to.
Tristan I wasn’t! Is that what he’s like! Came to mind pretty fast!
Connie You keep shaking up my view of him and I think it’s manipulative —
Tristan Of course it’s fucking manipulative!
Connie You’ve never met him!
Tristan That’s why it’s easy to slag him off! Come on, it’s a joke!
Connie It’s a joke. Your way of getting out of everything. It’s a joke. So not only am I a slag I’ve got no sense of humour.
Tristan You’re doing my head in!
Connie Everything I’m saying makes sense, until it gets over there, if there’s a problem it’s with you understanding!
She makes a gesture of his stupidity. He roars at her.
Connie What do you want to happen? I mean, really?
Tristan I’ll tell you what I want. I don’t want to reason with you. I want to know right now, in this moment, what you feel.
Beat.
Connie I. I feel. Oh god. I think I don’t love you the way that you love me.
Ow. Pause.
Tristan Right. Well you want me to look into the future. Fine. Go home.
Stay with him for two years longer than you should,out of guilt for him having left his wife and kid for you —
Connie He didn’t —
Tristan Tell yourself you’ve invested so much now and it was nothing with me and you’re getting rougher-looking while he’sstaying the same and he’s a good dad and before you know it you’re forty-five, fucked and caring for some old cunt withcancer.
Connie bends double with the pain of it.
Connie I hate you.
Tristan Have you been calling / him?
Connie / I physically hate you.
Tristan — telling him everything’s fine, you miss him. Have you used my fucking phone to do that?!
Connie You gave it to me.
Tristan Give it to me.
Connie I don’t have it.
Tristan You’re a liar.
Connie (You’re scaring me.)
During this, there’s a tussle. He gets the phone and practisedly looks through it. He throws it on the floor and smashes it.
Beat.
Connie (cold)
You just broke your own phone you stupid Irish cunt.
They physically fight. She ends up getting hurt and this becomes clear.
Connie Stop. Tris.
He sees she is bleeding. She sees she is bleeding. To him it is a tragedy, to her it is a triumph.
He backs away, in distress. Then to her, in sorrow.
Tristan I’m sorry. Sorry.
It’s the drugs.
Connie Now it is?!
Tristan (crying)
I’m losing it.
Connie Stop it.
Tristan I can’t handle it.
Connie You’re not even on the drug, Tristan.
Tristan I’m having a whitey.
He seems about to be sick.
Connie You’re on a placebo, Tristan, you’re not on the drug. She told me. This is all just you.
His body tries to absorb the information. He sinks with the news.
Eventually …
Connie Tris?
No response.
Connie Tris?
p36-40 s3a
p45-46 s3b
Connie I’m sorry.
Tristan Why didn’t you tell me?
Connie I thought it might upset you. Us being different. Me being …
Tristan Fake. That’s why you went on about it all being fake, cos it was for you?
Connie No!
Tristan Did you know when we went out, to the place —
Connie No, I didn’t, I didn’t then. I promise.
Tristan I feel like an idiot. I could swear I felt all this … stuff. I’m sure. Was I just making it up?
Connie No!
Tristan But physically, even. I could swear …
I don’t know now.
Connie What don’t you know?
Tristan That all those things were …
Connie Not real?
Tristan I hate that, the way you finish my sentences —
Connie I know, I’m sorry.
Tristan It’s horrible to feel you can’t trust your senses.
Connie I love you. You can feel that(?)
Tristan I don’t know what that means now.
Connie (desperate)
Yes you do.
I wish I could show you inside my brain.
Let’s get the doctors to shrink me down like in that film and they can inject me into you and I’ll wander round then curl up in your heart and I won’t be any trouble. I’ll just live there and spend your life with you and if you need me that’s where I’ll be.
Tristan This is horrible.
Connie I know. I can’t bear it when you’re sad in case I caused it. And I can’t bear it when you’re happy in case I didn’t.
Tristan Sometimes I think I’ll only be happy when you’re dead.
p45-46 s3b
p40-45 s4
Toby What happened?
Dr James Hello.
Toby I drove here from Kent. What happened?
Dr James What’s on you?
Toby Paintballing. I was having a weekend with the boys.
Dr James Sorry.
Toby What is it? I left my kids in a wood.
Dr James I feel something’s very very wrong.
Toby … Okay.
Dr James I think we should exclude one of the volunteers from the trial. A boy, a guy, the man who’s on placebo in fact.He’s not dealing with the environment. He’s shown aggression and instability, now he’s not eating. In any other environmentI’d be worried for his mental health.
Toby They’ve been in a sealed ward for weeks now, anyone would get frustrated —
Dr James It may be linked to his relationship with the other volunteer.
Toby In which case, there’s only one dosage left, surely scuppering the trial —
Dr James It’s not going to scupper the trial, removing one control subject —
Toby What physical symptoms have you observed?
Dr James It doesn’t matter does it, he’s clean. Aggression, irritability, hyperactivity, increased EBR —
Toby Oh come on, blinking, we can deal with extra blinking, can’t we?
Dr James It doesn’t make any sense.
Toby We have a duty of care to him at this stage.
Dr James We can just discharge him today — !
Toby That’s not appropriate.
Dr James I’m used to helping people, you know, not putting them in a situation which distresses them. I don’t think I can do this.
Toby Yes you can.
Dr James Is it me? I’m terrified it’s me. Have I done something? The boy has stats off the chart and high risk symptoms but he’s clean. It doesn’t make any sense.
Toby Okay, Lorna. Calm down. This isn’t what you think. He is a test subject. His symptoms are relevant. And we need to monitor him as such.
Dr James I give out the pills, Toby, I know he’s / (on placebo) —
Toby / You don’t know what you’re giving out. They’re active agent just packaged differently. Deliberately. He’s on the drug. We’re testing practitioner bias, alongside. As well. That’s what we do sometimes to see if there’s a difference in whatyou report, according to what you think they’re being given.
Dr James You’re testing me?!
Toby It’s not un/ usual —
Dr James You’re testing me!
Toby I know how you feel about all this and I still got you the position here, because I know you’re a / good doctor.
Dr James / Oh god okay, I’m grateful. Thank you Mr Rauschen, thank you for picking me up off the street in your limo on the way to the next expo —
Toby All we’re doing is monitoring you for practitioner bias which we often do with new recruits —
Dr James Bullshit!
Toby — in key areas, and I know you’re feeling exposed —
Dr James You lied.
Toby — or confused and you know that’s an irrational response.
Dr James I thought I was losing it! That’s why you’re testing me isn’t it?
So our volunteer is being medicated with powerful psychiatric drugs and I’m telling you they cause aggressive behaviour and paranoia, it’s dangerous to continue.
Toby We don’t know that’s the drug! You just said, you said yourself it’s clearly about the relationship with this girl! I’m not closing down a whole trial because of a lovers’ tiff!
Dr James You were happy to attribute it all to the drugs when you thought the effects were positive!
Toby And you’re only prepared to accept it’s the drug if the effects are negative!
Dr James This can’t be pulled apart. We’re kidding ourselves to think it can.
Toby This is why we do trials! We’re here to record side effects and if aggression is a side effect, we’ll note it.
Dr James They’re not side effects, Toby, they’re just effects you can’t sell.
Toby God you make the air taste bitter, Lorna.
Dr James I wouldn’t mind being (monitored) — if I thought you took any … of your own fucking agenda and … If you took any responsibility for that …
Toby I don’t know what you mean. I’m doing my job.
Dr James I’ve seen you hold that brain and fleece them for money. But somehow I’m the one that’s biased —(!)
Toby You sound it, you sound paranoid, listen to yourself. You’ve spent this whole time refusing to accept that the drugs have any effect, until you think there’s something damaging!
Dr James While you just claim positive effect whatever, or just publish trials with the results you like! But apparently you’re unbiased and I’m … What?
Toby You are a good doctor, who suffers from profound depressive episodes which she refuses to medicate. And you’re desperate for any evidence that supports that position.
Beat.
Dr James (They don’t work.)
Toby Pardon?
Dr James They don’t.
Toby How would you know?
Dr James There’s no real evidence for the efficacy of antidepressants, there never has been. Everyone who knows, knows this has been the biggest disaster in the history of medicine!
Toby Nonsense. Fifty to sixty per cent of people improve on anti-depressants.
Dr James In the short term!
Toby If you’re going to kill yourself tomorrow, what do you care if it’s short-term or not?
Dr James We’re only just finding out what happens in the long term! People stay on them for life not because they’re ill but because the withdrawal is terrible!
Toby Don’t hide behind this fashionable trashing of it all. Every time you have an episode, every time, the brain is altered and makes the next one longer and deeper. The sooner you start to medicate, the more you protect yourself. You could have done that —
Dr James Without even knowing what causes it?
Toby We know what causes it, mostly.
Dr James No you don’t! You ask anyone on the street what causes depression they’ll say chemical imbalance, despite total lack of evidence. Even GPs will. Because you spend more on marketing than research.
Toby Of course we spend money on marketing, we sell things! You sound like a teenager on a website. I’d love it if someone independent did the research, that’d be peachy, but governments turned that over to us because they couldn’t find the money.
Dr James There were forty million AD prescriptions in this country last year, you really think all those people are depressed?
Toby Yes, Lorna, I think forty million people were depressed and they each got one prescription(!)
Dr James You know now we’re treating the bereaved and children and people in bad relationships —
Toby Who are you to say who is and isn’t ill there? A bereavement can be ruinous to someone prone to depressive episodes, you should know.
Dr James But it’s mostly a placebo effect!
Toby There’s no such thing as placebo effect when it comes to depression, if it works it works!
Dr James Thank you! So it’s just easier for us to think of ourselves as ill and easier for you to sell your pills, so everyone’s happy but no one’s actually happy.
Toby I work for Rauschen, okay, but you know what the side effect of my job is, people live. This isn’t big tobacco. It’s not even like a normal job where the side effect is … I don’t know, traffic. The side effect of my job is that people live and they live better lives.
Dr James Every study, every test shows that so-called ‘depressed’ people have a more accurate view of the world, a more realistic view of themselves and the future —
Toby In mild and moderate depression, yes.
Dr James Who are the vast majority being medicated! We’re not deluded, we’ve just lost a delusion that makes us ‘normal’!Millions of people believing they have a disease of the brain that can be cured. And no one’s allowed to say different because of your lot. And because it might ‘upset depressed people’. Which is sort of, bolting the door after the horse has, you know.
Toby In ten years we’ll have a blood test for depression. We’ll have a biomarker and a cure. The stigma will be over.
Dr James You’ll never have your biomarker. It isn’t like that.
Toby This is why I get annoyed, Lorna. You cling to the mystery. You celebrate it, almost.
Dr James I do what?!
Toby You don’t want it to be curable, you want to make it grand and tragic, it doesn’t have to be.
Dr James You think I like it! You think I like being terrified of getting in the shower? Bones feeling like they’re dissolving and throwing up every morning? Or knowing I would never have kids because I couldn’t ever ever risk they might spend one day in their life feeling the way I feel!
Toby Because you fear it might be genetic. I understand. Or I try to. It doesn’t make it less to accept it’s chemical. It helps most people. You know, I love my kids, that’s just biological, and it’s everything. God knows I wouldn’t love them if they weren’t mine. If I just met them … I don’t know how that would happen —(!)
Dr James Say I’m mad if you like. But don’t say I’ve got a disease. I don’t believe you.
Toby Call it what you like, just don’t let it define you.
Dr James It’s not an it, we’re talking about me. You want to cut a part of me out and call yourself a hero.
Toby All I’ve ever wanted is to help you.
Dr James I don’t want your help!
Toby I know and it’s infuriating!
Beat.
Dr James I’m not even sure you really believe all that. I swear Toby we’re going to look back at all this chemical imbalanceshit like it’s the four humours all over again. I mean, why am I here?
Toby What, here?
Dr James Yes. Why would you offer me work? This isn’t what I do. I sit with people, I talk to them, I —
Toby I want to help.
Dr James Yeah but why? You see, I wonder if you feel guilty.
Toby About you?
Dr James Yes.
Toby Not particularly.
Dr James Not particularly?
Toby Is this what we should be talking about now?
Dr James I don’t know. What do you think?
Toby Are you saying you think I caused it?
Dr James If you think you caused it then you would have to think on some level, that it isn’t purely biological. Maybe it’s you who needs it to be tiny and controllable. Maybe it makes you feel better to think that.
Toby I don’t think I caused it, Lorna.
Dr James Then why am I here?
Toby You’re a good doctor.
Dr James Then why are you testing me?
Beat.
Toby I didn’t cause it and it’s a cruel thing to say.
Dr James I didn’t say it. You did. You seem upset.
Toby Just —
Dr James It was years ago.
Toby I know.
Dr James And I’ve had what you’d call episodes since then.
Toby I know.
Dr James So why do you feel so bad? Look at me. It’s not your fault, Toby. In the mountain of shit the world dumped on me that year, the dump you took was minor. It was barely a contributor. It could have been anything or anyone. So don’t you make it into some big thing.
Beat.
Toby I don’t think I caused your depression, by ending things, Lorna. I don’t think I contributed even. But maybe, maybe I Think I ended it because of your depression.
Dr James Right.
Toby And maybe that’s worse.
Dr James No. Just sad.
And are you happy now?
Toby Well not right now, but yes.
Dr James So.
And how old is she, this new one?
Toby What does that have to do with anything?
Dr James Just wondering. Twenty-eight? Twenty-nine? You’re so keen to make me a prisoner of my insides. What about you? Her clear skin to indicate lack of disease? Waist not yet travelled up to her tits? All the signs of the fertility, that you don’t actually want? We’re all just walking examples of a biological fact, Toby. Everything you feel and think you feel is just your brain explaining away the awful simplicity of your body. But you’ll be forever safe from realising that because if your brain were simple enough for you to understand. You would be too simple to understand it. Do you understand?
Toby You’re ill, Lorn. Please.
Dr James I’m not though.
Toby My choices, or biology, or whatever, don’t cause me suffering.
Dr James No, only others. So you’ll be fine. You’ll do fine.
Pause.
Toby It’s entirely within our rights to assess you. It was never an indication of any lack of faith.
Dr James All this looking at brains with other brains, like a camera trying to take a photo of itself.
Toby Are you going to finish this? One more dosage, are you going to make it through something? I want you to administer the trial. I think you can do it. Then we can talk about the future.
Dr James (Fine.)
Toby Have you got something I can wear? Over this.
Dr James You’re joking.
Toby What?
She tears off her white coat and throws it at him.
Toby I didn’t —
