Experiment begins.
Dr James Have you ever suffered from depression?
Connie, one arm across herself, leaning back slightly.
Connie No. I’ve felt depressed. But.
Dr James In what way?
Connie What I mean is, I’ve been sad.
Dr James But not depressed.
Connie No.
Dr James There’s a difference(?)
Connie Yeah. I —, it’s an illness, isn’t it.
Dr James Mmhm.
Connie Well, you tell me. I just mean I haven’t got an abnormal amount of chemical — in the brain or anything.
Dr James And that’s depression?
Connie Yeah. Sorry, I —
Dr James No, I’m interested.
Connie Just. I’d never say, oh I’m depressed.
I mean I would, but just meaning sad. You know cos. That’s. I’m not. So.
Dr James You’re just sad?
Connie When I am. I’m sad.
Dr James K. And there’s no chance you could be pregnant?
Connie No.
Dr James What contraception are you using?
Connie None.
Dr James Are you in a relationship?
Connie Yup.
Dr James Are you sexually active?
Connie I have had sex. Um, I hope to have sex again.
Dr James But you’re not having sex at the moment?
Connie No, not … Right at the moment(!)
Dr James And what was the date of your last period?
Connie I always feel like I should know that. A couple of weeks ago?
Dr James Are you asking me or telling me?
Connie I am … pretending to know.
Dr James But it was normal. It happened?
Connie Mmhm.
Dr James I’m trying to ascertain if there’s any chance you could be pregnant.
Connie Highly unlikely.
Dr James K. I need your help, Connie. I see men. A lot of men. And it’s great you’d volunteer because I want to make sure medicine works as well on women as it does on men. Drug trials are very safe but you consent for yourself. You can’t consent for someone else. So what I need to know for sure is that you are not pregnant.
Connie Well if I am then it’s the second coming. But give me something to wee on and I’ll wee on it.
Dr James Right.
Do you smoke?
Tristan is sat. He leans forward, one foot dancing.
Tristan No.
Dr James Have you drunk alcohol in the last twenty-four hours?
Tristan No.
Dr James Have you taken drugs, medicinal or … otherwise in the last six to eight weeks?
Tristan (thinks)
Hmm, Pretty su — No(!)
Dr James Have you had any poppy seeds in the last forty-eight hours?
Tristan Poppy seeds? … No.
Dr James So if your drug test comes back positive, I’m going to assume it’s for heroin. Not a bagel.
Tristan Fine by me(!)
Dr James Do you or have you ever suffered from irritable bowel syndrome?
Tristan No.
Dr James Cancer of the bowel?
Tristan No.
Dr James Cancer of the throat, lungs or skin?
Tristan No.
Dr James Arthritis?
Tristan No.
Dr James Dementia?
Tristan No.
Dr James Type 2 diabetes?
Tristan No.
Dr James Type 1 diabetes?
Tristan No.
Dr James Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental health problem or been in hospital for a period of more thantwenty-four hours?
Tristan No.
Dr James K.
Tristan Done well there then. Full marks for me.
Dr James I’m not sure avoiding senile dementia is something you can take full credit for.
Tristan My body can. So far.
Dr James Yes.
Tristan It’s made better decisions than the rest of me, I’ll say that.
Tiny scowl at this nonsense from the Doctor.
Dr James So you know and accept you must remain within the facility for the four-week period and hand over all electronicdevices during that time?
He hands her a phone.
Tristan One mobile phone. Check. Don’t be looking at the photos(!)
Dr James You’ve done this before, I see?
Tristan A few times I have.
Dr James Then you know what happens now.
Tristan I take it I should go somewhere and …
Dr James Can do it here if you like. I’ve seen it all before.
Tristan Nooo. I will if you like.
Dr James No.
Tristan No. I’ll take myself off and empty myself out shall I.
Dr James K.
Tristan You know, you’re an attractive woman, Dr James.
Dr James Thank you, Tristan.
Connie and Tristan both clutch specimens of their urine. Hers is paler.
Tristan Would you like me to take that for you?
Connie Pardon? No. Sorry.
Tristan That’s alright.
Connie Do you work here?
Tristan No I was just going that way with. So. I’m the same as you I think. Here.
Connie Oh I don’t, are you allowed to take other people’s —?
Tristan No, probably, cos of the rules. You’ve got to sign all that shit. I could do anything to it! I won’t(!) You don’t have tohide it.
Connie I’m not particularly.
Tristan Can I see then?
Connie No.
Tristan It’s warm, that’s the thing isn’t it? But you’re warm. If it was cold you’d be dead.
Connie You need to drink more water.
Tristan I do! I will. Are you alright? I’ve not seen a girl here before.
Connie Do you do these a lot then?
Tristan A bit. It’s weird, I hadn’t really noticed. Guess I assumed women might be more … less inclined to …
Connie Have things put inside their bodies?
Tristan (!)
Connie So to speak(!)
Tristan Yeah, but clearly you’re alright with that sort of thing.
Connie Mind your own!
Tristan I am(!)
Beat.
Connie But these are alright, are they? As …
Tristan These? Yeah! Used to be better I think, well. No, now everyone comes in with laptops and headphones, it’s a bitmore (gesture)
… used to be like Big Brother you know. The tough thing’s living in a small space with a bunch of strangers.
Connie This is a long one.
Tristan It is it is. Don’t worry though.
Connie I’m not.
Tristan You might not even be on it, but you can tell. People say they wouldn’t do this, people who’d take a pill off astranger or do a line at a party, bollocks do they know what that is.
You from the university?
Connie Yeah.
Tristan I think they pay you more, you know.
Connie What(!)?
Tristan Yeah. Trials like this they don’t want the immigrants they usually get, bless ’em. They need English first language, soyou can, you know, when they ask you stuff, talking isn’t something you know, with the — no trouble how to, uh … —
Connie Articulate?
Tristan (smiles)
There you go(!) Fuck me.
Sure you don’t want me to carry it for you? Like a gentleman would.
He reaches out for her specimen.
She scowls. She is holding it by the top, uncomfortable.
Connie No.
Tristan Can I touch it?
Connie No!
Tristan Don’t be precious.
Connie I’m not.
Tristan Why you holding it like that then, it was part of you a minute ago.
Connie I’m just. Nothing(!)
Tristan I’m teasing.
Connie I know. I’m not ashamed of it(!)
Connie goes over and touches his specimen. She feels its warmth and can’t help a little grimace.
She lets go.
Tristan You’re gonna have to be my friend now.
Admissions procedure. Tristan and Connie (all volunteers) are changed into clinic outfits. Their blood pressures are taken, alcohollevels checked, weight, height are monitored.
Dr James looks to her electronic tablet, the modern equivalent of a clipboard, and begins typing on it. When she does this, herwords appear on a screen.
Text, gradually appearing, reads:
First 25mg dose of agent RLU37 given at timed intervals as of 13th November 2012, 19:11 (or whatever date and time it is).
Dr James , armed with a timing device to measure the dosing intervals, gives Tristan a pill that has been emptied into a plastic cupand then a plastic cup of water to wash it down with.
Dr James 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
He swallows it. His mouth is checked. Connie is next. Dr James indicates she should wait. She does.
Dr James 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Connie takes hers. Her mouth is checked. It continues, theoretically, with other volunteers.
Medical tests are carried out: temperature, weight, height, pupil dilation, reaction and electrodermal response.
Connie and Tristan both eat the same amount of the same food from the same sort of trays. They drink the same amount of waterfrom the same plastic cups.
Maybe they both have a cannula fitted to their arms.
Connie and Tristan are put into beds, sitting up, and an ECG administered to monitor their hearts.
It does so.
Tristan has blood drawn. He watches the process.
Blood is drawn from Connie who looks away from it, slightly squeamish. Her heart rate goes wild.
Connie looks away, grimacing.
Tristan Are you squeamish?
Connie nods, looking away, grimacing. He tries to distract her kindly.
You know there’s quite a lot of this?!
Connie I’ll, get — better(!)
It ends. She uncrumples.
Tristan You’re gonna have to be braver than that.
Dr James Being brave isn’t not being afraid. It’s being afraid and doing it anyway.
Tristan Sorry Mum(!)
Connie D’you want my biscuit?
Tristan Thanks but I can’t. We have to have the same. If I’m one biscuit up and you’re one biscuit down that could throw outall of medical science.
She starts to eat her biscuit.
Connie (Not very nice.)
Dr James Will you wait here, please?
Tristan Do you feel any different?
Connie How would I know?
Tristan True. Where d’you sleep then?
Connie Oh, down the thing, they showed me.
Tristan On your own? I’m with ten sweaty blokes. You’re biologically blessed.
She is biting her nails.
You bite your nails?
She nods, guilty.
He holds his hand out to her to show he does too, badly. She takes it, looks, smiles. Then shows him hers.
Connie (warm)
God(!) They’re really bad!
He sees her wrist band.
Tristan No shit!
Connie What?
Tristan We have the same birthday.
Connie The 29th?
Tristan Yeah!
She looks at his DOB on his band.
Connie Oh yeah!
Tristan How weird is that? The exact same —(!)
Connie Yeah.
Dr James Lie down please.
Connie Actually, I don’t think it’s that unusual, I mean it’s not as unlikely as you’d think.
Tristan How d’you know what I think?
Connie Sorry, than most people would think. I mean in a group of people, the group doesn’t actually have to be that bigfor you to share a birthday. Cos probability-wise you’re not saying how likely is it this person was born on a particular date —one in 365 obviously. You’re just saying, of all the dates, how likely is it that two people in a group have the same?
Tristan Oh.
Well I think it’s a sign.
Connie Right. What are you doing for your birthday?
Tristan Leaving and never coming back.
I always do. After these. I’m going travelling.
Connie Oh cool!
Tristan This is for spending money. Does your man not mind you doing this then?
Connie My man? No. I — No, I do what I … like(!)
Tristan Course you do, it’s like that. It’s all independent woman and Beyoncé and all that.
Connie He’s away so —
Tristan Away for work, is he?
Connie No.
Tristan Stag do?
Connie No.
Tristan Inside, is he?
Connie What? No!
He’s visiting family.
Tristan Oh right. Not with you though.
Connie No, with a friend.
Tristan Oh.
Connie With his son.
He’s got a little boy. From before.
Tristan Nice.
So you’re happy?
Connie With what?
Tristan You’re happy, with him?
Connie Don’t do that.
Tristan What?
Connie That. Are you happy thing. That thing guys say when / they’re —
Tristan / I’m sure you are —!
Connie Cos who ever actually says, yeah I’m perfectly completely —
Tristan Some people do.
Connie Okay, yeah, well.
Tristan What?
Connie I am.
Tristan What?
Connie (unhappily)
Happy!
Tristan Where would you go? India I’m thinking.
Connie I don’t know. I wouldn’t go anywhere exotic actually. Somewhere American. Not the cities, I mean. The real, thedust, those states. Somewhere where it’s horizon on both sides.
Tristan The plains.
Connie I’d like to see a wild horse.
Tristan Aye?
Connie And hold a gun.
Tristan Right.
Connie I wouldn’t shoot the horse(!)
Tristan No. Why don’t you go then?
Connie Why don’t I go?
Tristan Yeah.
Connie Money, time, life. There’s just so much to do.
Tristan I know. Brilliant, isn’t it?
She laughs, looks at him, intrigued.
We hear their ECGs gradually slow and settle into a calmer rhythm and eventually they beep/beat together.
‘LOVE’
The word appears on a screen in a blue font.
Connie / TristanBlue.
Dr James types and Text reads:
The Stroop Test.
Volunteers view trigger words but name only the colour in which the word appears. Subject takes longer to distinguish the colour ofwords that are psychologically relevant or troubling to them. (Time till response measured in milliseconds.)
Various words have appeared on the screen in colour. Tristan and Connie (separately in theory) have been naming the colours theyappear in.
During above, as needed: (BEAUTY. STUPID. TEST.)
GUILTY
Connie names the colour after Tristan.
BABY
Together.
FATHER
Tristan after.
JOY
Together.
DIET
Connie after.
LONELY
Together.
STRENGTH
Together.
HOLIDAY
Connie after.
BREASTS
Tristan after. He’s amused.
MEMORY
Together
BLUE
but in another colour
Connie Blue. Shit. Sorry.
Tristan gets it right.
Dr James That’s okay. It’s not a test. Okay now I just want you to recall as many words as you can that you were shownduring that.
Connie Test.
Tristan Beauty.
Connie Stupid.
Tristan Joy.
Connie Holiday. Lonely.
Tristan Lonely. Holiday. Strength.
Connie Baby. Guilty. Blue.
Dr James Okay.
Connie Dr James.
It is now just Connie and Dr James.
Dr James Yes.
Connie Sorry, I don’t know if it matters. But I thought I should say. I know about the Stroop Effect. I know it’s about howlong you take to say the colour, that the more meaningful the word, the longer it takes. I don’t know if it matters. If youknow.
Dr James No.
Connie Really? I thought knowing might make me try to … beat it.
Dr James In most cases being aware of your own bias doesn’t actually mean you can affect that bias.
Connie Really?
Dr James Yes. It’s one of life’s tragedies. Do you want to hear this story again? You can hear it a total of two times.
Connie Okay.
Dr James You open up a dry cleaners. On the border between two towns. Your shop is the only one of its kind in thesurrounding area. Within the first year of business the population doubles. Your business prospers and reactions from yourcustomers indicate the cleaning is of good quality.
Connie Okay.
Dr James You hire more staff which is an outlay but improves customer service. Your gross income goes up and you wonderabout applying to the bank for a loan to open up a chain of such shops. As you had expected the bank approves the loan.
Connie Yay, go me!
Dr James Now a quick memory test, can you tell me the nature of your business. Was it A) greengrocers or B) dry cleaners?
Connie B.
Dr James And where was the shop set up was it A) —
Connie On the border / between two towns.
Dr James / In the centre of town or B) on the border between — yes. And the reason for your business success was it A)lack of competition or B) A good business plan?
Connie (thinks)
Sorry, what?
Dr James The reason for your success —
Connie You didn’t say. So am I me? I’m now a dry cleaner? Or am I a different version of me who had an upbringing andeverything that led me into dry cleaning?
Dr James Remembering the story I told you, what was the reason for your success?
Connie It’s impossible to say.
Dr James What impression did you —
Connie Is this a test of memory?
Dr James This is the last question.
Connie So I have to tell you why my business succeeded. A lack of competition or my good business plan?
Dr James That’s right.
Connie But the business and the town are fictional. Even the me is kind of fictional.
Dr James Could I have an answer?
Connie Afterwards will you tell me why?
Dr James Why?
Connie I’m a psychology student.
Dr James Then you can work it out for yourself. What was the reason for your success ?
Connie A) lack of competition. May as well. There’ll be like a hundred factors in this fictional town’s economy.
Dr James Okay.
Connie So if I’d said my business plan.
Dr James Then what?
Connie Then I’d be taking responsibility for the success —
Dr James Right …
Connie Whereas lack of competition, that’s more luck, that’s … location … Nothing to do with me …?
Dr James Mmhm.
Connie So what’s that got to do with the trial?
Dr James People prone to depression, Connie, they tend to attribute success to external causes and failure to internal ones.
Connie So if I do well it’s because of something outside of me, but if I do badly it’s because of my own stupid self.
Dr James Exactly.
Connie What would a ‘normal’ mind do?
Dr James Well a so-called ‘healthy’ mind, the healthiest mind would think if things go well it’s down to me, I did that. And ifit goes badly —
Connie They’ve been unlucky.
Dr James Victim of circumstance, yes.
Connie So in order for my mind to be healthy, it sort of has to be …
Dr James Wrong. Yes.
What are you doing, psychology?
Connie (nods)
And social science.
Dr James Gosh. Never too late to become a real doctor, you know(!)
How do you feel?
Connie A bit awkward.
Dr James No I mean physically.
Connie Oh. Fine. A bit tense you know ‘up’ like, something’s going to happen. I keep thinking my hearing’s really good,that’s crazy isn’t it?! But Tristan said the same.
Dr James Well the agent’s designed to increase levels of dopamine —
Connie Right.
Dr James And that’s what’s stimulated by new, exciting experiences generally so, there’ll be a lot of that sloshingabout.
There’s an old joke actually. How does it go. So. There’s this medic at a conference and he’s fallen for a girl there whohasn’t looked twice at him. Now he knows dopamine is the initial trigger in falling in love but also that dopamine isstimulated by new, exciting experiences. So to try and get the girl he arranges for them to go bungee jumping together tosort of set up his own chemical reaction. So the instructor ties them together and they stand over this incredible valley andhe’s got his arms round her and they fall headlong into this incredible, adrenaline-filled rush — and their dopamine levels gowild. And eventually, they get lifted back onto the bridge, they get their breath back and he looks into her eyes and says,‘Wasn’t that amazing?!’ And breathlessly she answers, ‘Yes! And isn’t the instructor handsome!’
Beat.
Dr James It’s a sort of a science joke so …
Connie No, I like it. Cos it’s the instructor …
Dr James Yes, that she’s … yes.
Toby enters, perusing medical records Dr James has given him.
Toby This is very good isn’t it.
Dr James I’m not sure it’s good or bad it’s just the case.
Toby Well done.
Different from what you’re used to I bet.
Dr James Different.
Toby Easier.
Dr James Different.
Toby Elevated mood.
Dr James Yes.
Toby Increased energy levels.
Dr James Yes.
Toby Weight loss(!)
Dr James Mmhm.
Toby And increased height?!
Dr James Average 2 centimetres.
Toby Height?
She nods.
Toby Doesn’t seem likely.
Dr James Well I’m not raising the floors.
Toby I didn’t think we were even monitoring height.
Dr James I monitor everything.
Toby I see that. Why are you doing psychological tests? Of this quantity. It’s a phase 1, physical.
Dr James Well everything’s physical in the end isn’t it.
Toby There’s really no need, just stick to protocol.
Dr James Yes.
Toby An anti-depressant effect in healthy volunteers. Pretty extraordinary.
Dr James Barely a week in, they know they’re being given an anti-depressant, it’ll be mostly their own expectation, surely?
Toby Could be. But the new design is fast-acting so …
Dr James Sorry, I just would assume it’s psychological.
Toby Robust objectivity. Quite right. It’s good to see you Lorn. I mean I know I saw you at the — but I mean alone. You lookreally well.
Dr James —
Toby I bet you think I’m looking old.
Dr James What? No, don’t say that, you make me think you’re thinking that about me.
Toby No!
Dr James I should say thank you for all this. I know I wouldn’t — it’s very um, good of you.
Toby Oh don’t (even) — it’s just great to see you and for you to be here.
No, you know how things are. We could do withfresh eyes. It’s a touchy area.
Dr James Rightly so.
Toby Believe me I don’t want to spend five weeks on a trial that gets discredited. It’s why we’re developing newgenerations of ADs in the first place.
Dr James Because the old ones have been discredited.
Toby No they haven’t been discredited, the studies that discredited our original trials have themselves been discreditednow.
Dr James In new studies by you.
Toby Yes. Well us. Don’t worry, I’m the one always persuading them not to relocate the trials out to West Africa. Anti-depressant trials!
Dr James I’m sure they get depressed in Gambia.
Toby I’m sure they get fucking depressed in the Gambia, doesn’t mean we should use them as guinea pigs then disappearoff with our drugs.
Dr James I read you’re advising the government on psychopharmaceuticals at the moment?
Toby No, I’m on a panel. I’m not —
Dr James I keep expecting to see you on a TED talk or something.
Toby Ah! No I. They have asked actually, but no I’m saving that for the day I write that book(!)
Dr James And how are you? How are the kids?
Toby Great, thank you, yeah. I got engaged!
Dr James Oh! Congratulations! Wow(!)
Toby Yes and divorced of course, I should probably say those the other way round.
Dr James Ah, okay, right. Well, congratulations again.
Toby Thanks, I realise that should probably have happened a while ago …
Dr James Well. That must have been hard.
Toby No. For the best. It’s all good.
Dr James No, I think I heard actually, is she a lab assistant at MB?
Toby Yes, where did you hear that?
Dr James I ran into Bill Fitzgrove at customs ages ago and he said —
Toby God Bill. Did you, yes, he worked with her —
Dr James Yeah.
Toby How is he? Is he still at Brown?
Dr James Yes. He’s Alzheimer’s now.
Toby Great! You mean he’s —
Dr James Oh yeah, researching, he’s not …(!)
Toby Good(!) huh. Yeah. Did we — Did I meet him with you?
Dr James Yes at that conference.
Toby My god, yes, and he came over at the bar —
Dr James That’s right. It was after your talk and you / dropped —
Toby / That’s right. I still do that talk —
Dr James I know.
Toby Well a variation of it, for Rauschen.
Dr James With the uh?
She mimes an action, carrying a bucket. He mimes it back.
Toby Yes.
Dr James (remembering)
Yes, I remember. He came over after and you dropped your cigarette, and I was hopping aboutcos it burnt my leg —
Toby What?
Dr James You remember. He was introducing himself —
Toby No, I do, but you dropped it, and — I don’t smoke.
Dr James Of course you don’t, nobody smokes now, you did then.
Toby Did I? No I didn’t — Very …
Dr James I have a scar!
Toby Well to be fair we can’t know for certain what caused that(!)
Dr James No.
Toby But I’m sorry if that’s true.
Dr James I wasn’t being serious.
When you could smoke indoors(!)
Beat.
Toby Really glad to see you looking so well, though, Lorna./
Dr James / And you.
Toby We’re due to escalate dosage tomorrow. I’ll come back for the scans. But I’ll sign off first dosage escalation now ifyou’re happy?
Slowly and slightly Dr James nods.
DOSAGE INCREASE: 50mg
Dosages are administered.
Connie I’ve been having the most extraordinary dreams.
Tristan Yes! Me too.
Connie Vivid.
Tristan Yeah! And so fucking …
Connie Mundane!
Tristan Bizarre!
Mundane?
Connie Yeah, last night I dreamt my whole weekly shop I do. Went round the whole supermarket, near where I live. Mybrain must have designed every label, every detail. In real time, for hours. And when I woke up I was like, what a boringdream! And then I thought, god no, what a boring life!
Tristan One week in, this is where it hits you.
Connie Yeah I’m feeling that.
Tristan I’m climbing the fucking walls.
Connie I’d kill for a cigarette.
Tristan I snuck out once for a fag.
Connie Did you?!
Tristan You know round the back of here’s an old asylum?
Connie What?!
Tristan You know, a mental hospital.
Connie No(!) What’s it like?
Tristan You want to see?
Connie We’re not allowed out.
Tristan I might know a way.
Connie You mean the really old building with the red brick?
Tristan Yeah, they don’t use it any more, it’s all boarded up.
A man enters with a bucket. It is Toby.
Toby (to audience, at an industry event)
Hello. This couldn’t be more glamorous, could it, a man coming on with a bucket.But fear not, the money’s gone on what’s inside. I’m Toby, I’m a psychiatrist, I’m afraid. My father was a heart surgeon andwhen I told him I wanted to specialise in psychiatry he said, ‘Oh really? The Cinderella of medicine?’ Which um (He gesturesto a knife in his heart, casually.)
because Dad thought psychiatry was nonsense about Freud and everything being motivatedby your parents. But I was determined to prove him wrong(!)
But seriously, I do think I’ve vanquished my father in a waybecause, I didn’t want to be a heart surgeon. I didn’t want to be a plumber of the body. I wanted to be an explorer.
He removes something from liquid in the container and holds it aloft and looks at it. It is a human brain.
Toby So I became a psychiatrist and of course, like all doctors, you find your chosen speciality is defined by what goeswrong. When the brain goes wrong, there are symptoms and there are physical causes, as with anything else. But becausewe think with our brain we struggle to frame it as the complex piece of biological machinery it is. We’re happy to have hearttransplants and liver transplants but we can’t imagine a brain transplant. Because nowadays we think our soul is in there. Butthat sense of ‘us’ is only a small part of what’s going on at any moment. As you sit listening to me your brain is generouslytaking care of the basics to keep you alive; breathing, your heart pumping. But it’s also regulating other things so you don’thave to be consciously aware of them, your temperature, ignoring the sound of other people breathing, forcing foodthrough your gut, positioning your spinal column in your seat, which doesn’t look terribly comfortable, I’m sorry. Swallowingso you don’t choke on your saliva. Actively thinking about these things doesn’t help but the brain is taking care of it. And ifwe suffered a neurological oddity that meant we couldn’t swallow we’d see nothing wrong with addressing and repairingthat in the brain. There are diseases of the brain. Since we’ve been able to begin scanning and mapping the brain in the lastquarter century we’re much closer to understanding its functions and its malfunctions. And rather than have people feelthey’re crazy or incapable or dangerous in soul, we’re able to show them what they really are. Ill. We need to considermental health the same way we do the bodily kind, because it is the bodily kind. (Referring to brain.)
Here’s our body. Andsometimes it requires medication. Those who suffer mental illness are not weak. They are strong enough to help themselves.They know that what they are experiencing is not ‘normal’ and they need support. And how about we start by expandingthat idea of ‘normal’ anyway to include mental illness. We are many of us going to experience a mental health condition inour lives. Why are we still tied to the notion of the sane and the insane? Why not call ourselves the insane and the ‘notinsane at the moment’? We are facing an everyday epidemic. Depression is fast becoming the biggest cause of disability inthe world. This is why medical intervention is so important. My father used to say about surgery that it’s only love makes itanything except the act of two madmen. I feel that way about medication. It’s love that means we treat people so they canlive at home, in the community, rather than locked away. And it’s love and it’s trust that means that people don’t lose theirjobs or their children when they have a bout of depression. The psycho-pharmacological revolution is the most importantoccurrence in medicine in my lifetime. And I’m proud to have been a part of that. My father lived just long enough to see it.He ran three miles a day into his seventies, he didn’t touch red meat, and what got him in the end was up here. But in one ofhis more lucid moments, he decided to donate his brain to science for teaching and research into this field. (He talks to thebrain.)
So thank you Dad. Thanks to people like you, the Cinderella of medicine got to go to the ball.
Moonlight.
Connie and Tristan enter a very large room. It is an unused dilapidated recreation area, once something grander.
Connie Oh my word.
She instinctively gets closer to him.
Tristan Fuuuck.
They laugh. They make noises that echo.
Connie It’s amazing to be somewhere with space.
She enjoys the space. She does something gymnastic.
Tristan watches her, lights a cigarette. He puts the cigarette in her mouth as she is in the gymnastic position. She smokes it.
Tristan Why do they keep it? It’s falling to bits.
Connie It’ll be a listed building. It’d probably cost more to do it up than to close off like this.
Tristan You’re such a grown up. Imagine them all in here, rocking.
Connie (re her gymnastics)
Can you do any tricks?
Tristan I’ll show you on one condition.
Connie What?
Tristan Come travelling with me after this.
Connie (sound)
!
Tristan Why not? Doesn’t have to be for long. We’ll go anywhere you like.
Connie I’m not going travelling with you. I barely know you.
Tristan What do you want to know?
Connie Tris, I’m not doing that, my course, my relationship, my work.
Tristan Don’t be so practical! Be romantic!
Connie That’s not romantic, that’s insane! You’d be doing what you’re doing anyway, just with some company. You’re theone being practical!
Tristan Do you think your parents would like me?
Connie !
Tristan Do they like him?
Connie Piss off.
Tristan I bet they don’t. He must be older, right? Is he older?
Just tell me he’s not your teacher or something.
Connie He’s not — stop it.
Tristan Just tell me it’s not that.
Connie It’s not. He never taught me.
Tristan Oh fuck.
Connie The reason I’m not at all bothered about what you think is I know exactly what you think and I know it’s not true.
Tristan Boring anyway. Let’s get back to what do you want to know about me?
Connie Nothing, Tris, seriously.
Tristan Nothing?!
Connie No I do, course I do. You’re very interesting. Just. I feel weird, that’s all. I don’t feel what I’d feel like in real life.
Tristan This is real life. When is it real then?
Connie No I mean. The anti-depressant, the doctor said, they’re designed to stimulate certain, like dopamine. Which is therush you get if something exciting happens or, when you — well it’s fake, it’s a chemical that feels like. Like falling forsomeone.
Beat.
Tristan So?
Connie So forgive me if I take everything with a big pinch of, you know …
Tristan What you think I don’t like you properly because of the —?
Connie I think it’s a strong possibility.
Tristan Bullshit. I can tell the difference between who I am and a side effect.
Connie With respect Tristan, no you definitely can’t.
Tristan You’re saying any attraction is a result of the trial.
Connie Part of it could be.
Tristan You must be basing that on feeling a sort of attraction then?
Connie I didn’t say that! It’s a chemical reaction, is what I’m saying.
Tristan But I’m still me.
Connie No, yes, you’re you, but under the influence of something. If you were really pissed and going ‘I love you, you’re mybest mate’ I wouldn’t believe it either.
Tristan Why not? Men say that and mean it, they just can’t say it when they’re sober.
Connie Yeah but they’ll have known that person (ages) — and I don’t know, I’m just telling you what the doctor said.
Tristan Ah, what does she know? They don’t know anything, knowledge is a myth.
Connie Okay …
Tristan They wouldn’t be trialling if they knew. I once had chronic diarrhoea for six days straight, nobody predicted that.They say all sorts of shit, they say you have to give in your phone because it interferes with the equipment.
Connie You do have to give in your phone because it interferes with the equipment.
Tristan Jesus, do you want a phone? I’ll give you a phone. I give in a dummy.
He roots around in his bag and tosses her a phone.
Tristan Say you have to make a call, get your phone back, go to the loo and put the sim in this one. ‘Interferes with theequipment’, it’s like they say that on planes. It’s just that it’s really hard to control a bunch of people if they’ve got phones.Anytime anyone says turn off your phone you should worry that’s a situation where you might die, not worry about thefucking equipment.
Connie Can I actually have this?
Tristan Yeah I normally sell them but that’s a shit one.
Connie I like it it’s like the ’90s.
Tristan You don’t really think that? That I only like you, cos I’m high or something.
Connie Everything we do is just about what’s pumping round inside us, isn’t it?
Tristan Well that’s a cold way of looking at a person.
Connie Why?!
We are our bodies, our bodies are us … there’s not something more … And that’s fine. That’s enough. It’slike, the world is incredible and beautiful, even though we know there’s no god behind it. It’s even more amazing for that.
Tristan Hang on, we know there’s no God behind it?
Connie Yeah, I mean, sorry. Oh, really?
Tristan What?
Connie You believe in God?
Tristan What? It’s alright, you look disappointed(!)
Connie No, it’s terrible isn’t it, you just assume — when you meet someone and you …
Tristan When you meet someone …
Connie And you get on, you assume …
Tristan I knew it! You’re disappointed I believe in God because you like me! (Thank you Lord.)
Connie Sorry that’s awful.
Tristan No no no. Let’s say you’re right, let’s say we’re attracted to each other (because we are you just admitted it and youcan’t go back now), let’s say we’re attracted to each other and that’s been kicked off by these …
Connie The dopamine.
Tristan Drugs or whatever. So what?
Connie What d’you mean?
Tristan What difference does it make?
Connie Well clearly then it’s something to be wary of.
Tristan It is what it is. Doesn’t matter why.
Connie It matters massi — … It’s all that matters.
Tristan Why?
Connie Because, it’s the reason.
Tristan So?
Connie I can’t work out if I understand something you don’t or you understand something I don’t.
Tristan People meet each other and fall in love all sorts of ways, doesn’t matter what starts it. I’m sure there’s a rush ofsomething chemical if you meet on holiday or on a bus with a bomb on it, doesn’t mean Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullockaren’t really in love.
Connie What? Speed?! You’re giving me Speed!?
Tristan I couldn’t think of a recent film.
Connie Say film again.
Tristan (Piss off!) It’s a bit like speed actually, this, this feeling isn’t it. The taste in your throat.
Connie I wouldn’t know.
Tristan But you think it’s fake? So what you think a few years on, Sandra and Keanu are just sat in a restaurant in silencethinking why did I marry this loser, all we had in common was a bus!
Connie (laughing)
Yeah I do actually, I do!
Tristan I like your laugh.
Connie Do you know why?
Tristan It’s sexy.
Connie No actually why. It’s a show of submission.
Tristan What?!
Connie Laughing is a way of showing submission, so men like it when women laugh. It shows they’re dominant.
Tristan In my fuck! You laugh when something’s funny.
Connie No. You don’t laugh out loud alone watching a sitcom.
Tristan Yes you do.
Connie You don’t. It’s a social thing. It says ‘I get the joke, I’m clever’, or you use it to show you’re attracted to someone.The head thrown back, the throat exposed.
Tristan That’s not why you laugh. You laugh at someone else. It’s not all about you.
I’ve taken drugs before, right? There’snot a drug in the world can really make you look at someone and find them attractive or listen to ’em and find theminteresting or —
Connie Yes there is!
Tristan Not smell them and … know.
He’s advanced closer and closer until now they can just about smell the other.
Connie That’s pheromones isn’t it?
Tristan Is there no mystery for you?
Connie There is, but it’s more than smelling? It takes work.
Tristan You don’t really believe that?
Connie What?
Tristan About love and that?
Beat.
Connie I just think it comes and goes. There’s a period of time, maybe enough to raise a child and then … You know, thefew times I’ve ever loved anyone they’ve always, at some point they’ve written I Love You in the snow or the sand — onholiday — to me. And it’s wonderful, but the next time someone … it happens, or the next even … you think, Oh okay.Again. And you think of the last time. And what that meant. And, just for it to get washed away or melt or …
Tristan Some people never get loved like that.
Connie I know.
Tristan If I did that, for you, I’d be holding back the sea from ever coming in.
Connie You’re sunshine, you know that. I bet you thought the dry cleaning business was a success cos of your greatbusiness plan, didn’t you?
Tristan Of course. It was!
Connie So you take drugs then, proper ones ?
Tristan / Sometimes. You?
Connie No. I just think of drugs as like fags or cheese or something, if you get to a point and you’re not into them, don’tget into them you’ll only have to give them up down the line cos they’re bad for you.
Tristan It’s about trying something new.
Connie Sure but it’s only new once. Then it’s the same as everything else.
Tristan But everything has to be new once!
Connie Sure but it’s essentially a way of distracting yourself.
Tristan From what?
Connie From the fact that you and everyone you love is definitely gonna die.
Mini-beat.
Tristan Good! I’m glad I’m distracting myself from that! Good!
Connie Just thinking, oh this thing will make me happy, no this thing, no it must be that next thing. Like why are you goingtravelling?
Tristan To see things, meet people. Have my mind … expanded.
Connie Cool man.
Tristan What?!
Connie Nothing. You’ll go to different countries and talk to people with flags sewn on their backpacks about travellerthings, and get stoned and say hey did you ever think that maybe the red you see and the red I see are actually not thesame red — / ?
/ She feigns shooting herself in the head.
Connie Like look at this square metre.
She’s talking about the floor.
Tristan What?
She sits, kneels beside it.
Connie There’s a whole world here. It’s just what you notice. Look at the floor.
Tristan Tiles.
Connie Yeah it used to be. Different colours.
Tristan Tiny tiles.
Connie Mosaic. That seems weird.
Tristan Why would people put a mosaic on the floor of a mental asylum?
Connie Maybe it wasn’t a mental asylum when it was built.
Tristan Or maybe they thought mental patients spend a lot of time looking down.
She smiles at him.
Connie See all of this, you can get all of this from one square yard. You don’t need to change continent every day.
Tristan That would work, that would work except for one thing.
Connie What?
Tristan You wouldn’t be in here in the first place if it wasn’t for me.
Beat.
Tristan Come travelling with me.
Connie Oh come on — we don’t know each other!
Tristan How do you know anyone?
Connie When you’ve talked to them, when you trust them —
Tristan You’ve come into a mental asylum with me at night! You trust me. I’m going to the fucking Taj Mahal. One of thewonders of the world, the most incredible testament to love ever built. You got that in your square yard?
Connie Why don’t you do your trick.
Beat.
Tristan I could actually.
Connie I really want to see it.
Tristan Do you?
Connie Yeah.
Tristan (I might go outside the square yard is that okay?/)
Connie (/ That’s fine.)
He cycles through tracks on his phone. He plays one.
He gets drawing pins from an old notice-board and stabs them into his soles.
Tristan performs a tap-dance to the music. It is surprisingly good.
Tristan (I was regional junior Ulster tap champion 1994.)
Towards the end he puts his arms around Connie to half-dance with her and leading to a kiss.
During this, Dr James enters.
Dr James Oh thank god, where have you been? I thought I’d have to call the police!
Connie Sorry.
Dr James Are you okay?
Connie Fine.
Dr James What’s going on?
Connie Nothing sorry.
Dr James Did you climb out of a window?!
Tristan No, fire / escape.
Connie / Fire escape. Sorry.
Dr James Was there a fire?
Beat as they work out whether this is rhetorical.
Tristan We were going a bit mad in there and wanted to check out / outside —
Dr James / You’re going a bit mad in here by the look of it.
Sorry I didn’t realise I was in charge of a bunch of school kids —
Connie Sorry.
Tristan Sorry.
Dr James You signed a protocol.
Tristan We haven’t done anything to mess / with the —
Dr James / You have no idea what you’ve done. Have you been smoking?
She picks up the cigarette butt.
Dr James It stinks of it.
Tristan Alright, but yeah we’re not at school, so you don’t need to be a bitch/ about it
Connie / Tris —
Dr James / Nicotine will inflate your dopamine levels for hours which are already elevated from the agent, that affects myresults. I’m sorry if my experiment that you’re being paid to do is getting in the way of your moves.
Connie ?
Connie Mm?
Dr James You came here of your own accord, presumably?
Connie Yes!
Tristan Steady(!)
Dr James Just to be clear, you have signed a consent form committing to refraining from sexual activity.
Connie Yeah, I know(!) Not that we’ve done anything …(!) Other than what you saw.
Tristan Yeah, you perv.
They both look at him.
Tristan Sorry I don’t know why I said that.
Dr James You can’t disappear with psychiatric medication coursing through you, I’m responsible for your safety. Bed please.Your own.
Connie Sorry.
Dr James We have fMRIs tomorrow so please, go and rest your brains.
Dr James lights a cigarette and smokes it and hears herself over the speaker. As she hears her own voice she tries to control aswelling sobbing growing in her from anxiety.
Dr James (V/O) Okay. Just relax. Everything’s fine. Exhale. There’s no need for anxiety. Just keep your head in one place.Okay. Now I want you to think of something positive.
They think of one another.
During above, their beds become MRI machines and the loud, other-worldly, claustrophobic darkness of MRI envelops each lover intheir own minds.
Possibly they are replaced by scans of two brains, theirs presumably, on screen. Tiny incidental labelling reads Volunteer 2 andVolunteer 7.
Importantly, which scan belongs to which volunteer is unknown.
Observing the two brainscans are Toby and Dr James.
Toby What do you think?
Dr James What do I think?
Toby Yeah, what do you think?
Dr James I think it’s too early to say.
Toby What?!
Dr James I think it’s too early to say.
Toby Look at them!
Dr James I am.
Toby And tell me the reported effects.
Dr James Elevated mood.
Toby Yes.
Dr James Increased energy levels.
Toby Yes.
And here we see dampened amygdala activity.
She nods.
Strong activity in the dopaminergic pathways and the reward centres of the brain in general.
She nods.
An anti-depressant effect if ever I’ve seen one!
Dr James If you say so.
Toby It’s on a scan, Lorna, right in front of you!
Dr James I see it.
Toby In healthy volunteers.
Dr James I don’t doubt there’s an ‘anti-depressant effect’ going on. But I don’t think it’s got anything to do with your drug.
Toby Well that seems rather a coincidence.
Dr James You’re seeing what you want to see. It’s what you lot do.
Toby My lot? My lot are your lot.
Dr James It’s difficult to know what lot I’m in sometimes.
Toby Professionally speaking, why don’t you think it’s the drug?
Dr James Professionally speaking, two very good reasons. You asked to see the scans of the volunteers showing thegreatest effect. Are you interested in who they are?
Toby Of course.
Dr James K. Two very different clinical histories, backgrounds, genders even. But they have one thing in common. They areboth involved in an intense and protracted flirtation, with each other.
Toby Really? Right … So you think that’s what I’m looking at?
Dr James I think their physical symptoms and this neural activity is a result of that … attraction and frankly it’s obscuring anysense of what the drug itself is doing.
Beat.
Toby Unless it is what the drug itself is doing.
Dr James No, I don’t think so.
Toby (reading results)
We’ve got increased electrodermal response.
Dr James They’re sweating more.
Toby Pupil dilation, suppressed appetite, inability to sleep …?
Dr James Exactly.
Toby Exactly!
Dr James I don’t understand what you’re exactly-ing.
Toby If the agent is causing all these symptoms, why on earth wouldn’t they assume they were infatuated?
Dr James You think because they feel all the things one would associate with infatuation they are just … assuming that’swhat they are.
Toby Assuming, exactly. The body responds a certain way to what it’s being given, they can’t sleep, they can’t eat, they’rein a constant state of neural excitement ever since they met, what’s the brain going to conclude?
Dr James You think it mistakes that for love?
Toby Not even mistakes it, creates it, after. To make sense of the response.
Are the other volunteers showing similar effect?
Dr James Not to the same extent.
Toby But they’re all straight men, right?
Dr James From their hygiene levels I’d guess, yes.
Toby Well maybe they’ve just got nowhere to go with it, nothing to hang it off. You can instil very strong feelings in a bodyas long as it’s toward something that looks right, you know? You can make ducklings follow a kettle believing it’s theirmother for years.
Dr James Can you.
Toby They did it at Exeter.
Dr James Oh that’s very Exeter.
Toby I know(!)
Look at it objectively. The agent’s designed to avoid the emotional dampening we normally see with anti-depressants. It makes sense emotions would be heightened. And with healthy volunteers we’re starting from a midpoint.We’re looking at normal minds to start with … —
Dr James ‘Normal minds’(!)
Toby You know what I mean. Depression’s characterised by deadness of emotion, right? Insularity, lack of engagement withthe world and those around you —
Dr James Is it.
Toby So the other end of the spectrum, where the agent could be taking them, is extreme emotion, excess engagement,overwhelming purpose and feeling. What does that sound like —?
Dr James Bollocks?
Toby What does it sound like?
Dr James I’m pretty sure it’s not drug effect, Toby(!)
Toby How? Don’t forget it was just a blood pressure trial where they discovered Viagra. Once everyone noticed that oneprominent side effect.
Dr James So what? You’re thinking you’ve discovered a Viagra for the heart?
Toby Don’t be simplistic. It’s just not impossible. Cannabis we know increases susceptibility to schizophrenia. Likewise I’msure you can create a chemical vulnerability, to something more positive —
Dr James Sounds a bit rohypnol to me.
Toby I mean it rather romantically! Medical science has extended everyone’s lives without taking any responsibility for ushaving to be married longer. We could do with a bit of help!
Dr James What you mean instead of giving up and starting over?
Toby It depends. But you’d try anything in the worst of it.
Dr James But we’re not talking about … attraction though are we?
Toby Aren’t we?
Dr James I don’t think so. It seems to me you’re trying to stress the chemical nature of things, for my benefit.
Beat.
Toby No. But okay, yes, equally, if you have a chemical imbalance that makes you sleep all the time, feel lethargic, havetrouble focusing, of course you’re going to eventually feel depressed.
Dr James Oh for god’s sake Toby, you ask someone about their history of depression they don’t say I felt tired one day.They say, I lost my job, I lost my wife, there are external events they / respond to —
Toby / Everybody loses their job, everybody loses their wife!
Dr James No they don’t, Toby! It’s about an interaction with the world. It doesn’t just appear. I know this depression asdisease thing is good for business but —
Toby Don’t. Don’t say that in front of me.
Dr James Don’t say that in front of me!
I was a clinical psychiatrist at Barts for ten years while you were greasing your way upthe ladder, don’t tell / me what …
Toby / Why would you grease a ladder?!
Dr James You know what I mean.
Toby You weren’t there a lot of those ten years.
Dr James You don’t know that at all!
Beat.
Toby I’m sorry that’s not the point.
Dr James You don’t!
Toby And it’s irrelevant.
Dr James Are you interested in why I don’t think it’s drug effect?
Toby Of course, what do you think I’m interested in?!
Dr James I think you’re interested in whatever’s most interesting.
Toby I’m just alive to possibility.
Come on then, what makes you so sure this isn’t the drug?
Dr James Thank you Doctor, I’m glad you asked. Because number seven here is on a placebo! Not even on your drug! Andhas all those physical symptoms and apparent anti-depressant effect!
Toby Ah.
Dr James Yes ah. So that’s definitely not your drug.
Toby On placebo.
Dr James Yes. So with one of them the effect’s entirely natural.
A sound to indicate scan’s end, resumption of trial protocol and attendance for dosing.
DOSAGE INCREASE: 100mg
Connie takes her dosage somewhere else, but goes for the wrong one. Dr James corrects her.
Dr James No, that’s not yours.
Connie Sorry, does it matter —?
Dr James That one, please.
Connie follows this with concerned interest, looks at her pills more closely.
Tristan receives his dosages.
Tristan Can I go to the rec room?
Dr James No, you’re by yourself now.
Tristan Why?
Dr James I’m here to monitor physiological effects, I can do without you going off creating your own. Stay here please.
In separate spaces:
Dr James Okay.
Anxiety? Is that what you’re saying? Anxious.
Connie Sort of. Yeah. But there’s something else.
Tristan Anxiety, yeah, but anxiety if it’s good. Is there a word for that?
Connie I do feel — yeah, I can’t think of another word. But yeah.
Tristan Alive. Really alive.
Dr James More ‘alive’ than usual?
Connie Yeah, my thoughts are racing, the speed of thought, the repetition.
Tristan Alert, you know? Like everything’s more vivid?
Connie Can I ask you something?
Tristan Can I ask you something?
Dr James Sure.
Tristan How’s Connie?
Connie Tristan. When you do these trials, someone has to not be on the drug right?
Tristan I’m not sleeping.
Dr James Right.
Connie Is that true?
Dr James All drugs are compared to a control, yes.
Connie So that means I might, someone might, not be on the drug?
Tristan Connie said the same, thoughts are racing too much.
Dr James What do you mean by that?
Tristan Connie.
Connie Tristan. Gosh, my heart.
Tristan My heart.
Connie Feels like it’s going —
Dr James Going —?
Tristan Going —
Connie Going, you know?
Tristan I don’t know, faster.
Connie Can you see that?
Dr James See what?
Connie If someone isn’t on the drug, right? Sorry, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. But you can’t tell them, right?
Tristan I just feel, vivid. Everything is vivid.
Dr James It’s not for you to worry about, much better you just tune in to what you feel.
Connie Right.
Tristan Pumping.
Connie Head rush. But if they knew?
Dr James They don’t know.
Tristan My stomach feels higher in my body. Like just at the top of a ride be/fore it —
Connie / You don’t tell them on purpose, right?
Tristan makes the sound of the rollercoaster ride descending.
Dr James That’s important. No one knows.
Connie Right.
Tristan My mouth tastes like metal when I swallow.
Connie Can I have some water?
Dr James You don’t tell them, that could invalidate the trial.
Connie Sorry, oh, I’m feeling sick.
Tristan My stomach.
Dr James Are you going to the loo okay?
Connie It’s just a bit upset, that’s all, at least I’m losing weight(!)
Tristan I could shit through the eye of a fucking needle!
Dr James Well we can try that later.
Connie Sorry. God I’m shaking.
Dr James When did the shaking start?
Tristan Today, right, I’m not sleeping, really, look it’s stopped.
He’s holding out his hand. Connie is holding hers out, it’s trembling.
Connie See? Is this bad?
Dr James You’re probably dehydrated.
Connie Cos I feel —
Tristan I feel —
Connie I feel —
Tristan I feel —
Connie I feel —
Tristan Have I lost weight? Feels like I have.
Connie My skin looks better. But I don’t know if that’s, you know —
Tristan And I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you’re after —
Connie And I don’t know if this is the sort of thing you want —
But I think there’s an effect on um …
Tristan Sex drive’s mental!
Connie ‘Libido’.
Dr James Righty-ho.
Tristan I feel … more awake.
Connie I’ve never felt this alert before.
Dr James Just try and breathe, relax, it’s lights out soon. If you can get some sleep, that would be better.
Connie Sleep?!
Tristan Sleep? Sleep’s for the weak.
Connie I feel like I might never sleep again(!)
Dr James Alright. Straight back to your room now, please. Make sure you’ve got your box on, yeah? Someone comes tocollect it in the morning.
Connie and Tristan swab the inside of their cheeks. It’s a childish but sweet motion in their upbeat hypnosis.
Tristan and Connie inhabit bodies racked with expectant, alert physicality, aroused and nervy in separate rooms. They begin textingeach other on the phones that Tris provided. Every glowing vibrating missive is a jolt of dopamine; a high, punctuated by a stressfullow awaiting the response. They become faster. It has the quality of shared, separate electroshock therapy or cardiac paddles thatshock. It builds, the separation fuelling it.
Eventually, Tris has snuck into her room and he watches her committedly typing out a message to him with affection. He receives itsilently, and, unseen, sends her another. She leaps to the phone.
Slowly, she turns round to see him.
Connie You shouldn’t be here.
Tristan I know.
Connie How are you feeling?
Tristan I feel. Full. I feel almost … holy. Like life is paying attention to me.
I don’t want to tell you anything about what I feelabout you and what’s just hit me about how I feel about you … because it’s not fair when you’re … I want to be good foryou.
Connie You’re sweating.
Tristan It’s hot.
Connie I’m cold.
Tristan (touching his sweat)
God.
She touches his sweat from him.
Beat.
How do you feel?
Connie Bursting. I can’t stop it. Something’s in me but it’s like it’s come from outside of me. Like having the weather inside.
Tristan I do too.
Connie Do you? Really?
Tristan Yeah, I’m just not fighting it.
Connie Tristan?
Tristan Yeah?
Connie Do you feel different?
Tristan Yeah. No. I just feel … happy.
Tension. Sexual.
I’m not going to take advantage of you.
Connie I think I’m going to take advantage of you.
Tristan I think I’m in love.
Connie Yeah. Are you?
Tristan Maybe you are too.
Connie Maybe. I’m not sure what it is.
Tristan I feel it really though.
Connie Do you? Yes.
Tristan Don’t you?
Connie Oh god. I don’t know.
Tristan If you’re in love there’s nothing you can do about it.
Connie But if it’s something else, something else controlling me —
Tristan Then you’re not in control.
Connie Yes.
Tristan Yes.
Connie There’s nothing I can do about it.
Tristan Yes.
Beat.
Connie I’m in love.
Tristan Yes.
Connie That’s such a relief.
They rip off the telemetry boxes they are wearing to measure their heart rate. They make love.
Darkness.
Light. Connie and Tristan.
Connie Our dog used to have seizures. My parent’s dog. It’s very upsetting. I mean, not when you talk about it, it seemslike a joke — ‘My dog’s got epilepsy.’ ‘Really? How does he smell?’ ‘Awful, he pisses himself, and the carpet, it’s a realproblem.’
Darkness.
Light.
Connie is hitting Tristan with his own hand.
Connie What are you hitting yourself for? What are you hitting yourself for?
Tristan I want you to hit me.
Connie Why?
Tristan Cos then I can show how much I don’t mind.
Darkness.
Light.
Tristan squeezes a spot on Connie until it bursts.
Darkness.
Light.
Tristan Like what?!
Connie I don’t know like, anything, I think I say … I think I say ‘everything’s going to be fine’. Do I?
Tristan Whilst you’re weeing?
Connie No, before, to make myself. I don’t know.
Tristan Why? Out loud?
Connie Yeah. Quietly. ‘Everything’s going to be fine.’ Like a distraction so I can … ‘Everything’s fine.’ Yes, ‘Everything’sfine.’
Tristan Are you going to make yourself wee?
Connie No!
He kisses her hand.
Darkness.
Light.
Tristan Where will we live?
Connie Paris, New York. A farm. Anywhere.
Tristan I’m opening a dry cleaners.
Darkness.
Light.
They look directly at each other, look away, look back.
Darkness.
Light.
Tristan I know they don’t want to see me. You know I hear that from people. And I can’t say it’s not mutual. But you know Iwould have settled. I would have — I was okay being a disappointment. And be alright with that. I was happy to be anacceptable failure.
Darkness.
Light.
Connie and Tristan are making love face to face.
Connie Ask me who’s in charge.
Tristan What?
Connie Ask me who’s in charge.
Tristan Who’s in charge?
Connie You are.
Darkness.
In the darkness.
Connie / TristanI / I love you.
End Experiment Here.
Wait fifteen minutes.
Begin Again.
Dr James holding a variety of tampons in her hands, mostly small white non-applicator bullets. Connie comes in and choosesbetween them, slightly shyly. She takes one.
Dr James (You can take more than one.)
Connie takes a couple more.
Dr James I’m sorry I can’t give you any painkillers.
Connie I don’t need any. It’s just early, I think.
Dr James pockets the surplus.
Dr James I’m sorry if I was a bit firm the other night.
Connie No, we were out of order. Sorry. It’s weird. You don’t get told off very much as an adult it’s —
Dr James Shame’s a very powerful emotion.
Connie And it feels like everything I feel is heightened anyway …
Dr James So. It seems your telemetry box must have come off last night while you were in bed.
Beat.
Connie Oh, yeah, did it?
Dr James But then you must have put it back on.
Connie That’s right.
Dr James It’s best to reattach it before you drift off, when you’re comfortable.
Connie Okay.
Dr James K. It was exactly the same time as Tristan’s did too.
Connie Oh.
Dr James It seems I’m missing eight hours of each of your hearts.
Pause. Breathing.
Dr James / Connie.
Connie / That’s weird.
Beat.
Connie Sorry.
Dr James What is it you’re sorry about?
Connie Nothing, actually. I wanted to see if he was alright, he was ill, we’ve both been feeling pretty dodgy —
Dr James How do you know he was feeling ill?
Connie How do I know?
Dr James How did you know?
Connie Text.
Dr James He texted you on a phone?
Connie Yes.
Dr James You know phones are banned, they interfere with the equipment.
Connie I know.
Beat.
Connie How?
Dr James Sorry?
Connie How do they?
Dr James The signal they give off.
Connie What though?
Dr James It … interferes with medical electronic devices.
Connie It doesn’t seem like that can be true though, people would be dying everywhere wouldn’t they?
Dr James Have you had sex? I need you to be honest with me.
Beat. Connie makes a sound of discomfort.
Dr James Just answer the question, medically! Have you had sex in the last twenty-four hours?
Connie Yes. But none of it went, where it would have to go.
Dr James He didn’t ejaculate inside you?
Connie Oh god! No! Don’t write a sonnet about it.
Dr James You know that’s no protection against anything. There’s still all sorts of risk.
Connie Really? Or is that like the way phones interfere with the equipment?
Beat.
Dr James You know you’re going to have to leave.
Connie Fine. Chuck us off. Least then I’ll know.
Dr James Not you both. You.
Connie Why?
Dr James Because Twinkle over there doesn’t have a womb.
Connie That doesn’t seem fair — We didn’t really. I’m sorry. We were just messing about. There isn’t any risk of anything.
Dr James I’m not your sex education teacher, Connie. I’m trying to run a trial, which you’ve put into jeopardy.
Connie I understand there’s a leasing of bodies involved here, but you can’t expect to police how we feel.
Dr James That is exactly my role. You’re vulnerable. The drug is designed to stimulate transmitters that are linked to poordecision-making and risk-taking —
Connie You can’t give us something that causes poor decisions and risks then have a go at us for … taking risks and makingbad decisions!
Dr James … Okay, but you have to take some responsibility. You don’t know what you feel.
Connie I know and it’s horrible!
Dr James This has to stop.
Connie I think only one of us is on the drug, the way you give them out and the way I feel today I think he is and I’m not.
Dr James During all trials someone has to be on placebo, to compare to, a control.
Connie But if I’m on a placebo, he’s saying all this stuff, I can’t believe him. It’s driving me mad!
Dr James That’s exactly why you shouldn’t be involved.
Connie I can’t help the way I feel!
Dr James But you can help the way you’re behaving.
Connie I think I might be in love with him! You have to tell me.
Dr James I can’t give you any information. It compromises the trial.
Connie You’re doing this whole trial to help people who are unhappy, aren’t you, and it’s making me desperately unhappyand you don’t want to help me!
Dr James Of course I do —
Connie I’ll just tell Tristan we both have to leave and then … then —
Beat.
Dr James Is that what you want to do?
Beat.
Connie At home in real life. I have a boyfriend.
Dr James Right.
Connie And I do love him I think. But if I did why would I —? I keep thinking is this real, or is that … real?
Dr James I can’t help you with that.
Connie Why? Aren’t you a psychiatrist?
Dr James I’m a person(!)
Connie Talk to me like a person then.
Dr James Okay … (?)
Connie I thought I was happy and now I see I was terribly unhappy and I can’t work out what’s changed.
Beat.
Dr James I was having a tough time, quite a few years ago. I’d broken up from a long relationship I’d been in forever andthat was a big decision and I’d lost a parent after a long … time. And I was supposed to be going away for work, aconference, but I didn’t know if I could, I’m afraid of flying and I nearly didn’t make it. But I did, and that week turned out tobe one of the best weeks of my life. Professionally and just, in terms of … fun and new horizons. I met lots of interestingpeople and got very — you know it was good. And I got on very well with one guy there who was great and funny and aforce of real joy in the room. Even though I was a mess — and well he was married — but it was one of those chanceencounters that give you hope, because you think god, there are great people out there and they seem to think I’m greatand … It felt like — beginnings, you know. So on the flight back I was sat next to another doctor, a woman, and sherecognised me and we talked and she knew this guy and she said, oh you didn’t sleep with him did you? And I say no why?!(She indicates through mouthing it and physicality that actually she did.)
So apparently he really puts it around, he’s thisnotorious shagabout on the conference circuit and younger, less astute girls would, you know. And it was strange because itwasn’t till then — … As we flew back I sort of felt something dissolve, in the jet stream, like something got eroded down.And by the time I got back it was dark.
Connie I’m sorry.
Dr James No(!)
Connie Tristan’s not like that.
Dr James Of course not.
Connie Please. Just tell me.
Dr James He’s not on the drug. Tristan’s on a placebo.
Connie Oh. Okay.
Dr James You see?
Connie Right.
Dr James So he’s vulnerable in a different way.
Connie Is that okay? To lie to him like that?
Dr James It’s essential. We do it all the time. In hospital, when a patient cries out in the night they’ve probably had all theirmorphine but we inject them with saline instead. And it helps.
Connie Really?
Dr James Oh yes. The history of medicine is mostly just the history of placebo, since we know now almost none of itworked.
Beat.
Connie Gosh. My head.
Dr James Are you okay? Your blood pressure’s low.
Connie Maybe I could just stay on it forever? No. I know, I’m joking.
It has to stop, doesn’t it.
Dr James It has to stop. We’re scheduled to increase dosage again today. I hope you’re happy to stay.
Tristan Something’s not right, I can feel it.
Dr James Not right in what way?
Tristan I’m fucking streaming here.
Dr James Your eyes are watering?
Tristan That’s not the fucking worst of it.
Dr James Is that an emotional response?
Tristan Like what?
Dr James Is it linked to how you feel?
Tristan Like crying? I don’t know.
Dr James Are you upset?
Tristan I’m upset cos my eyes won’t stop watering.
Dr James Do you want me to get you a drink?
Tristan (paranoid)
Are you trying to leave to talk to somebody?
Dr James No.
Tristan Okay. Okay.
Beat. He releases tension by a moment of air boxing or twitching or something similar. He’s high energy and tense.
Tristan Why’s Connie pissed off with me?
Dr James I don’t know that she is. I want to focus on the physical.
Tristan I’m shaking like a leaf, I feel on the edge of a heart attack —
Dr James Really.
Tristan Yeah and, are you not interested?
Dr James Of course I’m interested.
Tristan Can I say anything?
Dr James You can. You’re completely safe.
Tristan Quite intense thoughts. You know. Bit much.
Dr James Intrusive —
Tristan Yup. A lot of. Sexual. You know.
Dr James Okay. Well. I wonder why that might be.
Tristan Normally it’s graphic, but this is … quite angry.
Dr James Right.
Tristan What do you give a shit. Sorry(!) No actually screw it, this is your drug I’m living. I’m supposed to tell you. Deal withit.
Dr James Okay —
Tristan ‘Okay’.
Dr James Is it not okay?
Tristan No, just, I tell you that and you’re like, ‘Okay’. Feels like, I don’t know, like that joke, what’s that joke, that guy in adoctor’s office and he’s showing him those ink blot things and he says, ‘that’s some people fucking’ and he shows him thenext one and he says, ‘that’s more fucking’ then he shows him another one and he says, ‘God that’s extreme fuckingfucking’. And the doctor says, ‘Do you ever think you might have a sexual problem?’ And your man goes, ‘Hey, Doc, you’rethe one with the dirty pictures.’
Beat.
Dr James You know humour is a great way of disguising hostility.
Beat.
He makes a noise to scare her. Again half-joke, half-aggression.
Tristan That’s it not disguised, is that better? I miss Connie. I miss her mouth.
Dr James What about physical symptoms?
Tristan You put a bunch of guys in a ward for weeks, did no one think of this? Did no one think that was going to be anissue? We should have a room or something? This is a physical thing, it’s nothing to be ashamed of!
Dr James Are you talking about sex?
Tristan I’m talking about relief, yeah.
Dr James Is that how you see Connie?
Tristan What?! No! I’m not talking a/bout that —!
Dr James / Because I suppose generally I assumed the showers.
Tristan Well you’d be right. I’m just making a point.
Dr James You know she’s in a relationship.
He is wounded by this and made angry.
Tristan Yeah I know what the fuck’s it to you?!
Dr James Do you want to take a break and do this later?
Tristan Not particularly, not fucking particularly.
Dr James Okay.
Tristan Why are you looking at me like that?
Dr James I’m just noting your agitation. Is there anything else to report?
Tristan No. Yeah. Why I was —. Look. Even if I have sexual thoughts, and I am, there’s no reaction, downstairs. Nothing’shappening.
Dr James Right. Are you talking about temporary impotence?
Tristan Well I hope it’s fucking temporary. You don’t want to get sued.
Dr James For how long?
Tristan Today and last night?
Dr James Just today?
Tristan That’s not normal for me, okay? I know my body.
Dr James I’m sure.
Tristan Something’s wrong.
Dr James That must be worrying.
Tristan Yeah.
Dr James Are you worried something’s damaged?
Tristan Yeah.
But you can’t look at that, can you?
Dr James Because I’m a woman?
Tristan No because you’re not a doctor like that.
Dr James Psychiatrists are doctors. We go to medical school and everything.
Tristan Oh right.
Dr James It probably isn’t physical.
Tristan I kind of hope it is physical. At least then it’s sortable.
Beat.
Dr James Do you want me to —
Tristan Are you going to have a look?
Dr James Are you happy for me to?
Tristan Yeah. Delighted. Fuck it. Yeah.
She puts on gloves.
Dr James Okay, do you want to just get yourself ready.
He opens his flies. She examines him.
Dr James It can be easier to think it’s some curable physical ailment because that makes things … simpler. But often it’sabout something else.
Eventually she turns away.
Dr James I doubt very much it’s physical. You can go back to the rec room.
She takes her gloves off forcefully.
Connie arrives just in time to see him doing himself up.
DOSAGE INCREASE:150mg
Tristan , delighted to see Connie, takes his and makes a face at Connie, goofing around.
Connie sees but deliberately ignores him, perturbed, and takes hers, now aware of the difference between them.
Tristan senses her coldness and it distresses him.
He hugs her. They kiss and she pulls away.
Connie No.
Tristan What?
Connie Just. Wait. Maybe we should wait till we know more, how we feel.
Tristan I know how I feel.
Connie I don’t.
Tristan Why?!
Connie Don’t be angry.
Tristan Don’t tell me what to/ — (feel)
Connie / Sorry. Be what you like.
Tristan It’s not going to change, the way I feel, Con —
Connie But what if it fades … or worse, for one of us and not the other.
Tristan That’s the risk!
Connie I just want it to be fair.
Tristan Fair? What is it? Is this about him? Have you talked to him?
Connie No.
Tristan Do you love him?
Connie It’s not hard to love someone, Tris.
Tristan It shouldn’t be.
Connie It makes people do mad shit too, you know? It makes them try and top themselves, or lie over and over.
Tristan Love?
Connie Don’t look at me like that I know you think I’m talking shit.
Tristan No I don’t. I know what you’re saying. Like people’s kids.
Connie What?
Tristan Loving their kids. Get ’em work experience so they get a job, get ’em a car, a degree. I love my kids, who cares ifthey’re assholes or lazy, fuck everyone else’s kids. I love my kids. So. Much. Love.
She frowns, amused.
Connie Yeah(!)
Tristan Fuck love.
Connie Yeah, fuck love(!)
Tristan So let’s fuck love together.
He tries to be physical again.
Connie No.
Tristan No?
Connie I’m just trying to keep this safe.
Tristan Safe? Are you frightened of me now?
Connie No. Why, should I be?
Tristan Yeah I’m a fucking monster. Just say what you mean.
Connie I am. I’m saying no.
Tristan To what?
Connie I’m in a relationship and you’re clearly not a relationship kind of guy —
Tristan Where did that come from?!
Connie You’re a flirty, you know, bit of a player type —
Tristan No I’m not!
Connie I’ve seen you be like that! I’ve seen you flirt with the doctor for god’s sake.
Tristan Are you joking? Christ Connie, she’s nearly fifty!
Connie I know. What are you saying women can’t be attractive in their forties?!
Tristan No, I’m the one that’s been flirting with her apparently! … Has she been saying things about me?
Connie No. It’s none of your business.
Tristan You’re not telling me something.
Connie You’re being weird.
Tristan You’re lying.
Connie I haven’t said anything, how can I be lying?!
Tristan By not telling me stuff.
Connie There’s loads of stuff I’m not telling you all the time, otherwise it would be unbearable!
Tristan That’s exactly the sort of thing people say when they’re lying.
Her hair comes out in her hands.
Tristan Why are you doing that with your hair?
Connie My hair’s coming out.
Tristan Mine’s coming out too.
Connie Yeah but not because of the drug.
Tristan Fuck you.
Connie I didn’t mean that!
Tristan Tell me what’s going on!
Connie Nothing! I don’t have to tell you everything you know. We’re not going out.
Tristan I’m starting to thank fuck. Just don’t rewrite what’s happened. / Don’t make out I’m —
Connie / I’m not! What do you care? That’s in the past anyway. I thought you wanted to live now?
Tristan I want you to live now. You’re always talking about what happens afterwards or how we got here, tell me what youfeel now?
Connie It doesn’t matter what I feel, what does it matter with / everything?!
Tristan / Because I’m asking you!
Connie I don’t know!
Tristan You’re so scared. Why are you so scared all the time?! It’s like being with an old woman, ‘What might go wrongthough?!’
Connie This is my life!
Tristan Exactly!
Connie You don’t care do you?
Tristan Course I do.
Connie Because you just want it NOW. You know maybe you should start thinking about the future a bit.
Tristan What?!
Connie You’re not exactly on a gap year are you, Tris. It’s become a sort of gap life.
Tristan That’s a horrible thing to say.
Connie Then don’t say I’m boring just cos I’m not giving you what you want!
Tristan Are you saying I’m not good enough for you?
Connie No I’m saying sort yourself / out first
Tristan / I’m punching above my weight?
Connie — before you make out I’m a coward. I’m happy with my life.
Tristan Ha! Yeah course you are, you look happy, you look fucking delighted!
Connie You’ve got no idea how I feel.
Tristan TELL ME!
Connie You’re like a child.
Tristan I’m fine for a quick fuck but secretly you want the older, duller man who’s gonna provide and bring some cash to thefucking table?
Connie Oh my god /
Tristan That’s basically what you said —
Connie / what are we even talking about?
Tristan Gap life!
Connie I’m the one that’s sat there and watched you do your cheeky twinkly stuff with Dr James and you were a bit of asleaze with me before you even knew me what am I supposed to think?!
Tristan I don’t — You’re the one in a relationship, as you keep going on / about
Connie You go on about it!
Tristan — I’m allowed! I can do what I like!
Connie Oh so I’m a slag now?
Tristan No! Put away your paranoia, love.
Connie Don’t call me love. It’s so tacky.
Beat.
Tristan Connie. Con. Come on. Kiss and make up.
Connie No, I feel sick.
Tristan I make you sick(?)
Connie I didn’t say that. I’m not going to kiss you. I don’t want to be sick on you.
Tristan I don’t care. Be sick in my mouth. I’ll eat it up.
Connie God(!)
Tristan What?
Connie I said I feel sick!
Tristan Am I a bit coarse for you? Is that it? Are you used to something more refined? Some wine-drinking chino-wearingcunt?
Connie You don’t get to talk about him, you understand? You don’t get to.
Tristan I wasn’t! Is that what he’s like! Came to mind pretty fast!
Connie You keep shaking up my view of him and I think it’s manipulative —
Tristan Of course it’s fucking manipulative!
Connie You’ve never met him!
Tristan That’s why it’s easy to slag him off! Come on, it’s a joke!
Connie It’s a joke. Your way of getting out of everything. It’s a joke. So not only am I a slag I’ve got no sense of humour.
Tristan You’re doing my head in!
Connie Everything I’m saying makes sense, until it gets over there, if there’s a problem it’s with you understanding!
She makes a gesture of his stupidity. He roars at her.
Connie What do you want to happen? I mean, really?
Tristan I’ll tell you what I want. I don’t want to reason with you. I want to know right now, in this moment, what you feel.
Beat.
Connie I. I feel. Oh god. I think I don’t love you the way that you love me.
Ow. Pause.
Tristan Right. Well you want me to look into the future. Fine. Go home.
Stay with him for two years longer than you should,out of guilt for him having left his wife and kid for you —
Connie He didn’t —
Tristan Tell yourself you’ve invested so much now and it was nothing with me and you’re getting rougher-looking while he’sstaying the same and he’s a good dad and before you know it you’re forty-five, fucked and caring for some old cunt withcancer.
Connie bends double with the pain of it.
Connie I hate you.
Tristan Have you been calling / him?
Connie / I physically hate you.
Tristan — telling him everything’s fine, you miss him. Have you used my fucking phone to do that?!
Connie You gave it to me.
Tristan Give it to me.
Connie I don’t have it.
Tristan You’re a liar.
Connie (You’re scaring me.)
During this, there’s a tussle. He gets the phone and practisedly looks through it. He throws it on the floor and smashes it.
Beat.
Connie (cold)
You just broke your own phone you stupid Irish cunt.
They physically fight. She ends up getting hurt and this becomes clear.
Connie Stop. Tris.
He sees she is bleeding. She sees she is bleeding. To him it is a tragedy, to her it is a triumph.
He backs away, in distress. Then to her, in sorrow.
Tristan I’m sorry. Sorry.
It’s the drugs.
Connie Now it is?!
Tristan (crying)
I’m losing it.
Connie Stop it.
Tristan I can’t handle it.
Connie You’re not even on the drug, Tristan.
Tristan I’m having a whitey.
He seems about to be sick.
Connie You’re on a placebo, Tristan, you’re not on the drug. She told me. This is all just you.
His body tries to absorb the information. He sinks with the news.
Eventually …
Connie Tris?
No response.
Connie Tris?
A man in a doorway. His shoulders heave with breathing. He shines with sweat. His light clothing seems to be spattered with stainsof dark blood.
It’s Toby. The stains are paint.
Toby What happened?
Dr James Hello.
Toby I drove here from Kent. What happened?
Dr James What’s on you?
Toby Paintballing. I was having a weekend with the boys.
Dr James Sorry.
Toby What is it? I left my kids in a wood.
Dr James I feel something’s very very wrong.
Toby … Okay.
Dr James I think we should exclude one of the volunteers from the trial. A boy, a guy, the man who’s on placebo in fact.He’s not dealing with the environment. He’s shown aggression and instability, now he’s not eating. In any other environmentI’d be worried for his mental health.
Toby They’ve been in a sealed ward for weeks now, anyone would get frustrated —
Dr James It may be linked to his relationship with the other volunteer.
Toby In which case, there’s only one dosage left, surely scuppering the trial —
Dr James It’s not going to scupper the trial, removing one control subject —
Toby What physical symptoms have you observed?
Dr James It doesn’t matter does it, he’s clean. Aggression, irritability, hyperactivity, increased EBR —
Toby Oh come on, blinking, we can deal with extra blinking, can’t we?
Dr James It doesn’t make any sense.
Toby We have a duty of care to him at this stage.
Dr James We can just discharge him today — !
Toby That’s not appropriate.
Dr James I’m used to helping people, you know, not putting them in a situation which distresses them. I don’t think I can dothis.
Toby Yes you can.
Dr James Is it me? I’m terrified it’s me. Have I done something? The boy has stats off the chart and high risk symptoms buthe’s clean. It doesn’t make any sense.
Toby Okay, Lorna. Calm down. This isn’t what you think. He is a test subject. His symptoms are relevant. And we need tomonitor him as such.
Dr James I give out the pills, Toby, I know he’s / (on placebo) —
Toby / You don’t know what you’re giving out. They’re active agent just packaged differently. Deliberately. He’s on thedrug. We’re testing practitioner bias, alongside. As well. That’s what we do sometimes to see if there’s a difference in whatyou report, according to what you think they’re being given.
Dr James You’re testing me?!
Toby It’s not un/ usual —
Dr James You’re testing me!
Toby I know how you feel about all this and I still got you the position here, because I know you’re a / good doctor.
Dr James / Oh god okay, I’m grateful. Thank you Mr Rauschen, thank you for picking me up off the street in your limo onthe way to the next expo —
Toby All we’re doing is monitoring you for practitioner bias which we often do with new recruits —
Dr James Bullshit!
Toby — in key areas, and I know you’re feeling exposed —
Dr James You lied.
Toby — or confused and you know that’s an irrational response.
Dr James I thought I was losing it! That’s why you’re testing me isn’t it?
So our volunteer is being medicated with powerfulpsychiatric drugs and I’m telling you they cause aggressive behaviour and paranoia, it’s dangerous to continue.
Toby We don’t know that’s the drug! You just said, you said yourself it’s clearly about the relationship with this girl! I’m notclosing down a whole trial because of a lovers’ tiff!
Dr James You were happy to attribute it all to the drugs when you thought the effects were positive!
Toby And you’re only prepared to accept it’s the drug if the effects are negative!
Dr James This can’t be pulled apart. We’re kidding ourselves to think it can.
Toby This is why we do trials! We’re here to record side effects and if aggression is a side effect, we’ll note it.
Dr James They’re not side effects, Toby, they’re just effects you can’t sell.
Toby God you make the air taste bitter, Lorna.
Dr James I wouldn’t mind being (monitored) — if I thought you took any … of your own fucking agenda and … If you tookany responsibility for that …
Toby I don’t know what you mean. I’m doing my job.
Dr James I’ve seen you hold that brain and fleece them for money. But somehow I’m the one that’s biased —(!)
Toby You sound it, you sound paranoid, listen to yourself. You’ve spent this whole time refusing to accept that the drugshave any effect, until you think there’s something damaging!
Dr James While you just claim positive effect whatever, or just publish trials with the results you like! But apparently you’reunbiased and I’m … What?
Toby You are a good doctor, who suffers from profound depressive episodes which she refuses to medicate. And you’redesperate for any evidence that supports that position.
Beat.
Dr James (They don’t work.)
Toby Pardon?
Dr James They don’t.
Toby How would you know?
Dr James There’s no real evidence for the efficacy of anti-depressants, there never has been. Everyone who knows, knowsthis has been the biggest disaster in the history of medicine!
Toby Nonsense. Fifty to sixty per cent of people improve on anti-depressants.
Dr James In the short term!
Toby If you’re going to kill yourself tomorrow, what do you care if it’s short-term or not?
Dr James We’re only just finding out what happens in the long term! People stay on them for life not because they’re ill butbecause the withdrawal is terrible!
Toby Don’t hide behind this fashionable trashing of it all. Every time you have an episode, every time, the brain is alteredand makes the next one longer and deeper. The sooner you start to medicate, the more you protect yourself. You couldhave done that —
Dr James Without even knowing what causes it?
Toby We know what causes it, mostly.
Dr James No you don’t! You ask anyone on the street what causes depression they’ll say chemical imbalance, despite totallack of evidence. Even GPs will. Because you spend more on marketing than research.
Toby Of course we spend money on marketing, we sell things! You sound like a teenager on a website. I’d love it ifsomeone independent did the research, that’d be peachy, but governments turned that over to us because they couldn’tfind the money.
Dr James There were forty million AD prescriptions in this country last year, you really think all those people are depressed?
Toby Yes, Lorna, I think forty million people were depressed and they each got one prescription(!)
Dr James You know now we’re treating the bereaved and children and people in bad relationships —
Toby Who are you to say who is and isn’t ill there? A bereavement can be ruinous to someone prone to depressiveepisodes, you should know.
Dr James But it’s mostly placebo effect!
Toby There’s no such thing as placebo effect when it comes to depression, if it works it works!
Dr James Thank you! So it’s just easier for us to think of ourselves as ill and easier for you to sell your pills, so everyone’shappy but no one’s actually happy.
Toby I work for Rauschen, okay, but you know what the side effect of my job is, people live. This isn’t big tobacco. It’s noteven like a normal job where the side effect is … I don’t know, traffic. The side effect of my job is people live and they livebetter lives.
Dr James Every study, every test shows that so-called ‘depressed’ people have a more accurate view of the world, a morerealistic view of themselves and the future —
Toby In mild and moderate depression, yes.
Dr James Who are the vast majority being medicated! We’re not deluded, we’ve just lost a delusion that makes us ‘normal’!Millions of people believing they have a disease of the brain that can be cured. And no one’s allowed to say differentbecause of your lot. And because it might ‘upset depressed people’. Which is sort of, bolting the door after the horse has,you know.
Toby In ten years we’ll have a blood test for depression. We’ll have a biomarker and a cure. The stigma will be over.
Dr James You’ll never have your biomarker. It isn’t like that.
Toby This is why I get annoyed, Lorna. You cling to the mystery. You celebrate it, almost.
Dr James I do what?!
Toby You don’t want it to be curable, you want to make it grand and tragic, it doesn’t have to be.
Dr James You think I like it! You think I like being terrified of getting in the shower? Bones feeling like they’re dissolving andthrowing up every morning? Or knowing I would never have kids because I couldn’t ever ever risk they might spend one dayin their life feeling the way I feel!
Toby Because you fear it might be genetic. I understand. Or I try to. It doesn’t make it less to accept it’s chemical. It helpsmost people. You know, I love my kids, that’s just biological, and it’s everything. God knows I wouldn’t love them if theyweren’t mine. If I just met them … I don’t know how that would happen —(!)
Dr James Say I’m mad if you like. But don’t say I’ve got a disease. I don’t believe you.
Toby Call it what you like, just don’t let it define you.
Dr James It’s not an it, we’re talking about me. You want to cut a part of me out and call yourself a hero.
Toby All I’ve ever wanted is to help you.
Dr James I don’t want your help!
Toby I know and it’s infuriating!
Beat.
Dr James I’m not even sure you really believe all that. I swear Toby we’re going to look back at all this chemical imbalanceshit like it’s the four humours all over again. I mean, why am I here?
Toby What, here?
Dr James Yes. Why would you offer me work? This isn’t what I do. I sit with people, I talk to them, I —
Toby I want to help.
Dr James Yeah but why? You see, I wonder if you feel guilty.
Toby About you?
Dr James Yes.
Toby Not particularly.
Dr James Not particularly?
Toby Is this what we should be talking about now?
Dr James I don’t know. What do you think?
Toby Are you saying you think I caused it?
Dr James If you think you caused it then you would have to think on some level, that it isn’t purely biological. Maybe it’syou who needs it to be tiny and controllable. Maybe it makes you feel better to think that.
Toby I don’t think I caused it, Lorna.
Dr James Then why am I here?
Toby You’re a good doctor.
Dr James Then why are you testing me?
Beat.
Toby I didn’t cause it and it’s a cruel thing to say.
Dr James I didn’t say it. You did. You seem upset.
Toby Just —
Dr James It was years ago.
Toby I know.
Dr James And I’ve had what you’d call episodes since then.
Toby I know.
Dr James So why do you feel so bad? Look at me. It’s not your fault, Toby. In the mountain of shit the world dumped on methat year, the dump you took was minor. It was barely a contributor. It could have been anything or anyone. So don’t youmake it into some big thing.
Beat.
Toby I don’t think I caused your depression, by ending things, Lorna. I don’t think I contributed even. But maybe, maybe Ithink I ended it because of your depression.
Dr James Right.
Toby And maybe that’s worse.
Dr James No. Just sad.
And are you happy now?
Toby Well not right now, but yes.
Dr James So.
And how old is she, this new one?
Toby What does that have to do with anything?
Dr James Just wondering. Twenty-eight? Twenty-nine? You’re so keen to make me a prisoner of my insides. What aboutyou? Her clear skin to indicate lack of disease? Waist not yet travelled up to her tits? All the signs of the fertility, that youdon’t actually want? We’re all just walking examples of a biological fact, Toby. Everything you feel and think you feel is justyour brain explaining away the awful simplicity of your body. But you’ll be forever safe from realising that because if yourbrain were simple enough for you to understand. You would be too simple to understand it. Do you understand?
Toby You’re ill, Lorn. Please.
Dr James I’m not though.
Toby My choices, or biology, or whatever, don’t cause me suffering.
Dr James No, only others. So you’ll be fine. You’ll do fine.
Pause.
Toby It’s entirely within our rights to assess you. It was never an indication of any lack of faith.
Dr James All this looking at brains with other brains, like a camera trying to take a photo of itself.
Toby Are you going to finish this? One more dosage, are you going to make it through something? I want you to administerthe trial. I think you can do it. Then we can talk about the future.
Dr James (Fine.)
Toby Have you got something I can wear? Over this.
Dr James You’re joking.
Toby What?
She tears off her white coat and throws it at him.
Toby I didn’t —
Dr James storms off. He puts it on.
Connie I’m sorry.
Tristan Why didn’t you tell me?
Connie I thought it might upset you. Us being different. Me being …
Tristan Fake. That’s why you went on about it all being fake, cos it was for you?
Connie No!
Tristan Did you know when we went out, to the place —
Connie No, I didn’t, I didn’t then. I promise.
Tristan I feel like an idiot. I could swear I felt all this … stuff. I’m sure. Was I just making it up?
Connie No!
Tristan But physically, even. I could swear …
I don’t know now.
Connie What don’t you know?
Tristan That all those things were …
Connie Not real?
Tristan I hate that, the way you finish my sentences —
Connie I know, I’m sorry.
Tristan It’s horrible to feel you can’t trust your senses.
Connie I love you. You can feel that(?)
Tristan I don’t know what that means now.
Connie (desperate)
Yes you do.
I wish I could show you inside my brain.
Let’s get the doctors to shrink me down like in thatfilm and they can inject me into you and I’ll wander round then curl up in your heart and I won’t be any trouble. I’ll just livethere and spend your life with you and if you need me that’s where I’ll be.
Tristan This is horrible.
Connie I know. I can’t bear it when you’re sad in case I caused it. And I can’t bear it when you’re happy in case I didn’t.
Tristan Sometimes I think I’ll only be happy when you’re dead.
Connie is appalled.
Dr James enters and begins preparing doses.
Text Reads:
FINAL DOSAGE, HIGHEST TOLERATION: 250mg single dose
Toby enters wearing the white coat and observes. Dr James facilitates, resenting Toby’s stare and the drugs themselves.
The final dosages are administered with the usual countdowns. Tristan first.
Dr James 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Tristan tosses his dose back with contempt for its nothingness.
Dr James 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Connie , anxious, gets given hers. Dr James avoids checking her mouth afterwards as she is glaring at Toby.
In the moment, Connie rushes to Tristan and kisses him full on the mouth.
She’s kept her pill in to transfer to him, which the kiss does. She covers his mouth with her hand to encourage him to swallow.
Connie (I love you.)
He makes the decision to swallow her pill. They look into each other’s eyes.
Dr James What’s going on, what did you do?
Toby What’s happened?
Dr James (to Tristan)
Show me the inside of your mouth.
She checks the inside of his mouth with a light, then his eyes as she sees his pupils are dilating.
Dr James Is everything okay, Tristan?
Toby Did he take something else?
Toby seeks to intervene, Dr James turns to Connie who is worried they are going to stop him swallowing.
Connie No, let him!
Dr James Did you give him something else?
Toby Is your name Tristan? I’m Toby. Have you taken anything else?
Connie Leave him alone! Tris, tell them you want it.
Tristan I’m fine.
Dr James How much have you given him?
Tristan Connie?
Connie I’m here.
Tristan You’ve got a … halo …
Dr James Tristan?
Tristan makes a strange sound, he staggers, loses consciousness, falls to the floor, stiffens. His limbs jerk and twitch. His mouthgurns. He is fitting. He bleeds from his mouth and wets himself. It is horrific. Dr James, Connie and Toby compete with caring forhim.
A scuffle.
Connie withdraws at the close up and puts her hands over her ears briefly in shock then begins tearing at her skin.
Connie Get it out get it out of me!
An alarm and darkness.
Connie is taken away. Dimly, we make out Tristan undergoing a blood transfusion; washed through with fresh new blood.
Toby facilitates this. Dr James is left to clean up.
Tristan is put to bed, alive, resting, recovering. Time passes and crisis dissipates into waiting.
Dr James has a bucket in which she finds a brain.
Dr James The first time I saw a human brain it was probably the president’s. Most powerful man in the world. Head in hishands. Pinker than his wife’s dress. Then years later, training. You see it come out of the body. The smell. The skull tends tobe sawn, to reveal the brain. So. You smell sawdust. Brain surgery smells like a barn. So remember that when they claim tobe so advanced. Your mind comes out like a squid, into both hands, soft, slimy, not compact like this, this has beenchemically treated. We are this three-pound lump of jelly. But it’s not necessarily me is it? I want to be happy. I want to workhard. I want to not shout out swear words on the street. I want to sleep. It must know this. It must want that too. If it’s me.But. Here I am, where my father held me on a climbing frame and I can see my shoes on the bar. Here, how much I likemeringue. Here’s my respiration control. Here’s my impulse to kill myself. Here is my controlling that impulse. ‘You’redisgusting. And you’re only going to get more disgusting. It’s too late. This all gets worse and you can’t even cope withnow.’ Shhh. Let’s not. ‘You’re like your mother.’ It’s too hard. Other people manage(!) And still. “You can’t do anything. Youcan’t work, well you could but you’re lazy. This is the best you’re capable of looking now and it’s shit and you’re decaying.Look at your teeth. And everything everyone says about you is right. And you’re weak and you’re a coward and you’veruined people’s lives. And you should have done it a long time ago and you never will now.’ Just put some clothes on andthen we’ll go from there. ‘It would be better.’ Just put on some pants. Then we’ll deal with the next bit. Just do that. ‘Itwould be better just to stop.’ But people love you. ‘No they don’t. Even the people who love you hate you because you’rehurting the person they love.’ Why can’t you stop? Where are you? Where are you?!
She tears the brain to pieces with her hands.
Eventually … hazy anaesthetic trauma clears to —
Now it is Tristan in a bed on a drip.
Connie enters, looks at him. Eventually, he sees her.
Tristan I’m thirsty. Do you have water?
Beat.
She sees there is water, or gets water from her bag.
Connie Hello.
Tristan What day is it? You look scared. What happened? Is it me? What happened?
He touches his face.
Connie It’s Friday.
Tristan I don’t know anyone. Why am I here? You look frightened? What happened?
Connie You’ve had a blood transfusion. They told me you have something called transient global amnesia.
Tristan Yes. Have I? Yes. Why are you looking at me, am I still me?
Connie Yeah. You just have new blood. It’s okay.
He panics.
Tristan Can I see?
Connie See what?
Tristan I need a mirror.
Connie Oh.
She thinks, looks round, scrabbles in bag, opens up a bit of make up with a tiny one, hands it over.
Tristan stares at bits of his face, waving it around to get sections of face and so a fuller picture. She stares at him.
Tristan What’s happening? What day is it?
Connie It’s Friday. It’s your birthday. Happy birthday.
Tristan How long have I been here? How is that today? Show me a thing saying that’s today.
Connie The date?
Tristan Yeah.
She hunts, comes up with only her phone and shows it to him.
Tristan You could have changed that.
Connie Why would I do that?
Tristan Have I been asleep then?
Connie You’ve got something called transient global amnesia.
Tristan Yes, I — transient, does that mean —
Connie It’s going to pass. They don’t know when or how long —
Tristan What was I doing before you got here?
Connie I don’t know. I wasn’t here.
Tristan Wait, what day is it?
Connie Friday. It’s your birthday.
Tristan No. Is it? Something else.
Connie That it’s my birthday too. You remember that?
Tristan No. Oh god oh god oh god.
He looks at the phone he’s holding. Meaning drains from it.
Tristan Why have I —? Is this yours?
Connie You don’t know me, do you.
He looks at her.
Connie You’re not retaining any new memories it’s me, you know me, do you know my name?
Tristan I know you. I don’t know who you are but. You’re the person that I know.
Connie How do you feel?
Tristan I’m hungry.
There is a tray of food waiting by his bed. Connie takes a yoghurt from it and gives it to him with spoon. His tardive diskinesia(twitching) makes it painful to watch him try and open it. Connie takes it from him and begins to feed him /
Connie We were on a trial. Do you remember?
Tristan No! I — Just, this is fucking weird! What day is it?
Connie It’s Friday.
Tristan Friday the what?
Connie Your birthday /
Tristan No(!)
You don’t understand, I don’t have any other anything except this in my —
Connie I know it’s okay.
Tristan I’m not being stupid, something awful’s happened, listen, I don’t know where I am!
Connie You’re in the hospital. Do you know what day it is?
Tristan Yes.
Connie It’s okay if you don’t.
Tristan What day is it?
Connie Friday.
Tristan What happened? You’re not going are you? Who are you?
Connie I’m going to feed you this yoghurt right now.
Tristan Okay.
Connie And then we’ll go from there.
She continues feeding him.
A glimpse of Dr James who has taken to bed with depression.
Connie enters, casual, busy. Tristan is in bed. He is alert but blank.
Connie Hello.
Tristan Hello.
Connie How do you feel?
Tristan I don’t know anybody here. Why am I here?
Connie Shh, it’s okay. I know. I was just here.
Tristan No, you don’t understand, I just woke up! And I don’t know what’s going on !
Connie I know, you’ve got something called transient global amnesia —
Tristan Transient, does that mean —
Connie Yes it’s going to pass.
Tristan What day is it?
Connie It’s Tuesday.
Tristan Is that right?! Show me something, with the date on.
Connie gives him a newspaper, practisedly.
She gets out a mirror, practisedly, he looks at himself.
Tristan I have to go! I — why am I here?
Connie You’re having trouble remembering, forming new memories.
Tristan Yes. Wait.
Okay. I can’t remember waking up. I know you. Do I?
I’m trying to think the last thing I remember.
Connie That’s okay.
Tristan But I know you.
Connie That’s right, Tris.
She begins giving him a bedbath.
Connie That’s right. Before the seizure. You and me were on a trial. Weeks ago.
Tristan I don’t remember. Do you work here?
Connie No. That’s new, do I work here(!) How do you feel?
Tristan Awful. My balls ache.
Connie I bet they do. You’ve got a stiffy all the time. God knows why.
Tristan I’m scared.
Connie I know.
Tristan I’m hot.
Connie I know.
Tristan I feel sick.
Connie Relax.
Tristan It hurts.
She looks around. She touches his erection under the sheets.
Connie Always. Poor thing.
Tristan Jesus.
He sighs, relaxes.
Tristan I thought you were my sister, maybe. — You’re not, are you? Actually no don’t tell me.
Connie No. I do this most days. I love how you’re funny. I would have thought you needed memory to be funny.
She masturbates him.
Tristan I thought you were here to give me a bath.
She pauses.
Connie Well do you want this or do you want the bath, cos there’s no point giving you the bath first.
Tristan No. This.
She pecks him on the cheek. She masturbates him. It’s affectionate but practical. When he’s ejaculated she finishes washing him,and her hand.
Tristan Am I your boyfriend?
Connie I don’t know, are you?
Tristan I don’t know.
Connie I broke up with my boyfriend.
Tristan I’m sorry. I’m trying to remember the last thing I remember. What day is it?
Connie It’s Sunday.
Do you remember me, Tris?
Tristan You’re who I know.
Connie Yes but who is that?
Tristan I — wait —
Connie How many times d’you think we’ve had this conversation?
Tristan You don’t understand I can’t remember waking up! I wasn’t there! Oh god this is terrible! Get someone, for god’ssake!
Connie We say this every day.
Tristan No!
Connie Yes.
Tristan I can’t remember any of this. What happened?
Connie You had a blood transfusion after a reaction to a drug on a trial. And you have transient global amnesia.
Tristan Transient.
Connie Yes. That means —
Tristan What day is it?
Connie It’s Sunday. How do you feel? Are you thirsty?
Tristan I’m freaked out. I’m trying to think what the last thing I was doing was.
Connie I had a haircut.
Tristan I can’t remember anything.
Connie I know. I’m sorry I was joking.
Tristan What’s going on?
Connie Your name is Tristan. You were on a trial.
Tristan A trial?
Connie A drugs trial?
Tristan What day is it?
Connie Thursday.
Tristan What was I doing just before?
Connie Before I was here?
Tristan Yeah.
Connie I don’t know. I wasn’t here.
Tristan I’m just trying to remember —
Connie I know.
Tristan Something’s really wrong I can’t, there’s nothing going on before this?!
Connie I know.
Tristan What —?
Connie It’s Tuesday.
Tristan What —?
Connie You had a bad reaction on a trial.
Tristan Where?
Connie Hospital. You have something.
Tristan —?
Connie Here.
She gives him a mirror.
Connie Here.
She gives him a paper. She gets out a nail file.
He looks baffled.
Connie This is the day we do your nails.
She files his nails.
Tristan Do I love you … ?
Beat.
Connie I don’t know. Do you?
Tristan I don’t know.
Beat. She absorbs this.
Connie If you’re there. Help me. I don’t care what it was I see that now. I hate my past self so much. She didn’t know. Youwon’t believe me but I would rather get old and argue with you every day than ever love anyone else.
Tristan Why are you sad?
Dr James in a bed.
Toby enters. He has a cup with pills in it.
Dr James can’t really respond properly socially. Eye contact and natural limbic response is all gone. Its like she’s elderly andexhausted. All social response and interaction takes effort, which she does her best to provide, and they are received with agrateful understanding for that.
Toby (joking)
Hey you. Still here I see. Thought you might have made a break for it.
Toby It’s crazy weather today. Can’t decide anything.
Toby They wanted me to bang on at you about the fluoxetine again but I know you hate it and it’s not my favourite eitherto be honest.
Toby Sam sends her love she says. She’s taken the boys to the pub. God help her.
Toby Do you want to know about anything else?
Dr James (What about the boy?)
Toby Well obviously we don’t know what the long-term effects will be yet. Turns out he had history of childhood seizureswhich was undisclosed so that’s … Nothing will be published obviously.
She indicates she wants to know about Toby.
Dr James (What about you?)
Toby Oh I’m okay. Don’t worry. The lecture circuit. Queuing up round the —. And I think now I might finally write that book.
Dr James I’m sorry.
Toby Don’t be sorry.
She doesn’t accept this. Beat.
Toby Wait, I can tell you something about the boy, he’s going home with her, the girl from the trial. He’s still in recovery but…
It still hurts her and she blames herself.
Toby It’s not your fault.
Dr James Sorry I don’t have enough skin.
She cries.
Dr James I just want to go. I want to go.
Toby No no no.
Dr James I’m sorry.
Toby This is a storm. It passes.
She doesn’t believe this.
Toby You were right. I probably wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing if I hadn’t met you. I love you, Lorn. And it’s notromantic cos that’s when lies start and it’s not family, because that’s this wonderful genetic trick. I just. I’ve built a bit of mybrain round you. And it’s important to me. So. Please.
This is too much emotion …
Toby Do you want me to go?
She’s emotionally exhausted. She nods.
Toby I’m coming back tomorrow. I am. I’ve got a thing in the morning but I’ll do my best. Please will you think about thingsfor me?
He leaves a cup with drugs in for her.
Around her, but in a different space, Connie and Tristan have been getting his things together to leave his ward. He is okay, butvulnerable, his physicality is of a different man, without some former bounce.
Connie What else?
Tristan That’s the lot.
Connie Your shoelace.
Tristan It’s alright.
I don’t have any change.
Connie It’s okay, I got a cab. I told you.
Tristan A cab(!) I’d have got the bus.
Connie I know you would. I want a cab. We’ll get cash out on the way. Did I do the drawer?
He looks. He’s not sure. She checks.
Connie I’m really nervous about you seeing it. It’s a shithole.
Tristan What is?
Connie Where we’re going back to. Mine.
Tristan Why?
Connie Because that’s what we’re doing today.
They head towards the door.
Connie Why don’t you just do it up?
Tristan What? It doesn’t matter.
She bends down to do his shoelace up. He doesn’t want this and goes to do it himself.
Tristan Fine.
In the bending down/getting up, they bang heads or some part. It should feel as spontaneous and accidental as is possible.
Eventually he does bend down and does the laces.
Tristan I’m not not doing it up cos I can’t. I honestly couldn’t be arsed.
Connie (during)
(That’s worse)
Tristan (joking)
Oh, will you … (shut up woman)
They both smile at his ironic hen-peckedness and she watches him affectionately as he concentrates. It takes him longer to do thanit should an adult, but eventually he does.
He finishes.
Tristan Is it cold?
Connie It’s coldish.
He adjusts some clothing appropriately. They both look around the room.
Connie Right. Okay? Oh.
She suddenly checks her bag/pockets, looks round the room.
Tristan Y’alright?
Connie Yeah just thought I’d lost my phone. No there it is. Okay. Happy?
Tristan Yeah. You?
Connie Yeah.
Tristan Okay.
Connie Let’s go.
They take a breath.
Connie and Tristan, together, walk out into the real world for the first time.
Dr James, alone, looks at the door, looks at the cup/pills beside her, decides, and takes them.
Underneath this we hear the sound of an EEG: electrical activity in the brain produced by neurons firing. Underpinning this is thebass of a heart beat from an ECG. These are the sounds of human love.
End experiment.