effect

 

 

Experiment begins.

Dr James       Have you ever suffered from depression?

 

Connie, one arm across herself, leaning back slightly.

Connie          No. I’ve felt depressed. But.

 

Dr James       In what way?

 

Connie          What I mean is, I’ve been sad.

 

Dr James       But not depressed.

 

Connie          No.

 

Dr James       There’s a difference(?)

 

Connie          Yeah. I —, it’s an illness, isn’t it.

 

Dr James       Mmhm.

 

Connie          Well, you tell me. I just mean I haven’t got an abnormal amount of chemical — in the brain or anything.

 

Dr James       And that’s depression?

 

Connie          Yeah. Sorry, I —

 

Dr James       No, I’m interested.

 

Connie          Just. I’d never say, oh I’m depressed.

I mean I would, but just meaning sad. You know cos. That’s. I’m not. So.

 

Dr James       You’re just sad?

 

Connie          When I am. I’m sad.

 

Dr James       K. And there’s no chance you could be pregnant?

 

Connie          No.

 

Dr James       What contraception are you using?

 

Connie          None.

 

Dr James       Are you in a relationship?

 

Connie          Yup.

 

Dr James       Are you sexually active?

 

Connie          I have had sex. Um, I hope to have sex again.

 

Dr James       But you’re not having sex at the moment?

 

Connie          No, not … Right at the moment(!)

 

Dr James       And what was the date of your last period?

 

Connie          I always feel like I should know that. A couple of weeks ago?

 

Dr James       Are you asking me or telling me?

 

Connie          I am … pretending to know.

 

Dr James       But it was normal. It happened?

 

Connie          Mmhm.

 

Dr James       I’m trying to ascertain if there’s any chance you could be pregnant.

 

Connie          Highly unlikely.

 

Dr James       K. I need your help, Connie. I see men. A lot of men. And it’s great you’d volunteer because I want to make sure medicine works as well on women as it does on men. Drug trials are very safe but you consent for yourself. You can’t consent for someone else. So what I need to know for sure is that you are not pregnant.

 

Connie          Well if I am then it’s the second coming. But give me something to wee on and I’ll wee on it.

 

Dr James       Right.

Do you smoke?

 

Tristan          is sat. He leans forward, one foot dancing.

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Have you drunk alcohol in the last twenty-four hours?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Have you taken drugs, medicinal or … otherwise in the last six to eight weeks?

 

Tristan          (thinks)

Hmm, Pretty su — No(!)

 

Dr James       Have you had any poppy seeds in the last forty-eight hours?

 

Tristan          Poppy seeds? … No.

 

Dr James       So if your drug test comes back positive, I’m going to assume it’s for heroin. Not a bagel.

 

Tristan          Fine by me(!)

 

Dr James       Do you or have you ever suffered from irritable bowel syndrome?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Cancer of the bowel?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Cancer of the throat, lungs or skin?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Arthritis?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Dementia?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Type 2 diabetes?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Type 1 diabetes?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental health problem or been in hospital for a period of more thantwenty-four hours?

 

Tristan          No.

 

Dr James       K.

 

Tristan          Done well there then. Full marks for me.

 

Dr James       I’m not sure avoiding senile dementia is something you can take full credit for.

 

Tristan          My body can. So far.

 

Dr James       Yes.

 

Tristan          It’s made better decisions than the rest of me, I’ll say that.

 

Tiny scowl at this nonsense from the Doctor.

Dr James       So you know and accept you must remain within the facility for the four-week period and hand over all electronicdevices during that time?

 

He hands her a phone.

Tristan          One mobile phone. Check. Don’t be looking at the photos(!)

 

Dr James       You’ve done this before, I see?

 

Tristan          A few times I have.

 

Dr James       Then you know what happens now.

 

Tristan          I take it I should go somewhere and …

 

Dr James       Can do it here if you like. I’ve seen it all before.

 

Tristan          Nooo. I will if you like.

 

Dr James       No.

 

Tristan          No. I’ll take myself off and empty myself out shall I.

 

Dr James       K.

 

Tristan          You know, you’re an attractive woman, Dr James.

 

Dr James       Thank you, Tristan.

 

Connie          and Tristan both clutch specimens of their urine. Hers is paler.

Tristan          Would you like me to take that for you?

 

Connie          Pardon? No. Sorry.

 

Tristan          That’s alright.

 

Connie          Do you work here?

 

Tristan          No I was just going that way with. So. I’m the same as you I think. Here.

 

Connie          Oh I don’t, are you allowed to take other people’s —?

 

Tristan          No, probably, cos of the rules. You’ve got to sign all that shit. I could do anything to it! I won’t(!) You don’t have tohide it.

 

Connie          I’m not particularly.

 

Tristan          Can I see then?

 

Connie          No.

 

Tristan          It’s warm, that’s the thing isn’t it? But you’re warm. If it was cold you’d be dead.

 

Connie          You need to drink more water.

 

Tristan          I do! I will. Are you alright? I’ve not seen a girl here before.

 

Connie          Do you do these a lot then?

 

Tristan          A bit. It’s weird, I hadn’t really noticed. Guess I assumed women might be more … less inclined to …

 

Connie          Have things put inside their bodies?

 

Tristan          (!)

 

Connie          So to speak(!)

 

Tristan          Yeah, but clearly you’re alright with that sort of thing.

 

Connie          Mind your own!

 

Tristan          I am(!)

 

Beat.

Connie          But these are alright, are they? As …

 

Tristan          These? Yeah! Used to be better I think, well. No, now everyone comes in with laptops and headphones, it’s a bitmore (gesture)

… used to be like Big Brother you know. The tough thing’s living in a small space with a bunch of strangers.

 

Connie          This is a long one.

 

Tristan          It is it is. Don’t worry though.

 

Connie          I’m not.

 

Tristan          You might not even be on it, but you can tell. People say they wouldn’t do this, people who’d take a pill off astranger or do a line at a party, bollocks do they know what that is.

You from the university?

 

Connie          Yeah.

 

Tristan          I think they pay you more, you know.

 

Connie          What(!)?

 

Tristan          Yeah. Trials like this they don’t want the immigrants they usually get, bless ’em. They need English first language, soyou can, you know, when they ask you stuff, talking isn’t something you know, with the — no trouble how to, uh … —

 

Connie          Articulate?

 

Tristan          (smiles)

There you go(!) Fuck me.

Sure you don’t want me to carry it for you? Like a gentleman would.

 

He reaches out for her specimen.

She scowls. She is holding it by the top, uncomfortable.

Connie          No.

 

Tristan          Can I touch it?

 

Connie          No!

 

Tristan          Don’t be precious.

 

Connie          I’m not.

 

Tristan          Why you holding it like that then, it was part of you a minute ago.

 

Connie          I’m just. Nothing(!)

 

Tristan          I’m teasing.

 

Connie          I know. I’m not ashamed of it(!)

 

Connie          goes over and touches his specimen. She feels its warmth and can’t help a little grimace.

She lets go.

Tristan          You’re gonna have to be my friend now.

 

Admissions procedure. Tristan and Connie (all volunteers) are changed into clinic outfits. Their blood pressures are taken, alcohollevels checked, weight, height are monitored.

Dr James       looks to her electronic tablet, the modern equivalent of a clipboard, and begins typing on it. When she does this, herwords appear on a screen.

Text, gradually appearing, reads:

First 25mg dose of agent RLU37 given at timed intervals as of 13th November 2012, 19:11 (or whatever date and time it is).

Dr James       , armed with a timing device to measure the dosing intervals, gives Tristan a pill that has been emptied into a plastic cupand then a plastic cup of water to wash it down with.

Dr James       5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

 

He swallows it. His mouth is checked. Connie is next. Dr James indicates she should wait. She does.

Dr James       5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

 

Connie          takes hers. Her mouth is checked. It continues, theoretically, with other volunteers.

Medical tests are carried out: temperature, weight, height, pupil dilation, reaction and electrodermal response.

Connie          and Tristan both eat the same amount of the same food from the same sort of trays. They drink the same amount of waterfrom the same plastic cups.

Maybe they both have a cannula fitted to their arms.

Connie          and Tristan are put into beds, sitting up, and an ECG administered to monitor their hearts.

It does so.

Tristan          has blood drawn. He watches the process.

Blood is drawn from Connie who looks away from it, slightly squeamish. Her heart rate goes wild.

Connie          looks away, grimacing.

Tristan          Are you squeamish?

 

Connie          nods, looking away, grimacing. He tries to distract her kindly.

You know there’s quite a lot of this?!

Connie          I’ll, get — better(!)

 

It ends. She uncrumples.

Tristan          You’re gonna have to be braver than that.

 

Dr James       Being brave isn’t not being afraid. It’s being afraid and doing it anyway.

 

Tristan          Sorry Mum(!)

 

Connie          D’you want my biscuit?

 

Tristan          Thanks but I can’t. We have to have the same. If I’m one biscuit up and you’re one biscuit down that could throw outall of medical science.

 

She starts to eat her biscuit.

Connie          (Not very nice.)

 

Dr James       Will you wait here, please?

 

Tristan          Do you feel any different?

 

Connie          How would I know?

 

Tristan          True. Where d’you sleep then?

 

Connie          Oh, down the thing, they showed me.

 

Tristan          On your own? I’m with ten sweaty blokes. You’re biologically blessed.

She is biting her nails.

You bite your nails?

 

She nods, guilty.

He holds his hand out to her to show he does too, badly. She takes it, looks, smiles. Then shows him hers.

Connie          (warm)

God(!) They’re really bad!

 

He sees her wrist band.

Tristan          No shit!

 

Connie          What?

 

Tristan          We have the same birthday.

 

Connie          The 29th?

 

Tristan          Yeah!

 

She looks at his DOB on his band.

Connie          Oh yeah!

 

Tristan          How weird is that? The exact same —(!)

 

Connie          Yeah.

 

Dr James       Lie down please.

 

Connie          Actually, I don’t think it’s that unusual, I mean it’s not as unlikely as you’d think.

 

Tristan          How d’you know what I think?

 

Connie          Sorry, than most people would think. I mean in a group of people, the group doesn’t actually have to be that bigfor you to share a birthday. Cos probability-wise you’re not saying how likely is it this person was born on a particular date —one in 365 obviously. You’re just saying, of all the dates, how likely is it that two people in a group have the same?

 

Tristan          Oh.

Well I think it’s a sign.

 

Connie          Right. What are you doing for your birthday?

 

Tristan          Leaving and never coming back.

I always do. After these. I’m going travelling.

 

Connie          Oh cool!

 

Tristan          This is for spending money. Does your man not mind you doing this then?

 

Connie          My man? No. I — No, I do what I … like(!)

 

Tristan          Course you do, it’s like that. It’s all independent woman and Beyoncé and all that.

 

Connie          He’s away so —

 

Tristan          Away for work, is he?

 

Connie          No.

 

Tristan          Stag do?

 

Connie          No.

 

Tristan          Inside, is he?

 

Connie          What? No!

He’s visiting family.

 

Tristan          Oh right. Not with you though.

 

Connie          No, with a friend.

 

Tristan          Oh.

 

Connie          With his son.

He’s got a little boy. From before.

 

Tristan          Nice.

So you’re happy?

 

Connie          With what?

 

Tristan          You’re happy, with him?

 

Connie          Don’t do that.

 

Tristan          What?

 

Connie          That. Are you happy thing. That thing guys say when / they’re —

 

Tristan          / I’m sure you are —!

 

Connie          Cos who ever actually says, yeah I’m perfectly completely —

 

Tristan          Some people do.

 

Connie          Okay, yeah, well.

 

Tristan          What?

 

Connie          I am.

 

Tristan          What?

 

Connie          (unhappily)

Happy!

 

Tristan          Where would you go? India I’m thinking.

 

Connie          I don’t know. I wouldn’t go anywhere exotic actually. Somewhere American. Not the cities, I mean. The real, thedust, those states. Somewhere where it’s horizon on both sides.

 

Tristan          The plains.

 

Connie          I’d like to see a wild horse.

 

Tristan          Aye?

 

Connie          And hold a gun.

 

Tristan          Right.

 

Connie          I wouldn’t shoot the horse(!)

 

Tristan          No. Why don’t you go then?

 

Connie          Why don’t I go?

 

Tristan          Yeah.

 

Connie          Money, time, life. There’s just so much to do.

 

Tristan          I know. Brilliant, isn’t it?

She laughs, looks at him, intrigued.

We hear their ECGs gradually slow and settle into a calmer rhythm and eventually they beep/beat together.

‘LOVE’

 

The word appears on a screen in a blue font.

Connie          / TristanBlue.

Dr James       types and Text reads:

The Stroop Test.

Volunteers view trigger words but name only the colour in which the word appears. Subject takes longer to distinguish the colour ofwords that are psychologically relevant or troubling to them. (Time till response measured in milliseconds.)

Various words have appeared on the screen in colour. Tristan and Connie (separately in theory) have been naming the colours theyappear in.

During above, as needed: (BEAUTY. STUPID. TEST.)

GUILTY

Connie          names the colour after Tristan.

BABY

Together.

FATHER

Tristan          after.

JOY

Together.

DIET

Connie          after.

LONELY

Together.

STRENGTH

Together.

HOLIDAY

Connie          after.

BREASTS

Tristan          after. He’s amused.

MEMORY

Together

BLUE

 

but in another colour

Connie          Blue. Shit. Sorry.

 

Tristan          gets it right.

Dr James       That’s okay. It’s not a test. Okay now I just want you to recall as many words as you can that you were shownduring that.

 

Connie          Test.

 

Tristan          Beauty.

 

Connie          Stupid.

 

Tristan          Joy.

 

Connie          Holiday. Lonely.

 

Tristan          Lonely. Holiday. Strength.

 

Connie          Baby. Guilty. Blue.

 

Dr James       Okay.

 

Connie          Dr James.

 

It is now just Connie and Dr James.

Dr James       Yes.

 

Connie          Sorry, I don’t know if it matters. But I thought I should say. I know about the Stroop Effect. I know it’s about howlong you take to say the colour, that the more meaningful the word, the longer it takes. I don’t know if it matters. If youknow.

 

Dr James       No.

 

Connie          Really? I thought knowing might make me try to … beat it.

 

Dr James       In most cases being aware of your own bias doesn’t actually mean you can affect that bias.

 

Connie          Really?

 

Dr James       Yes. It’s one of life’s tragedies. Do you want to hear this story again? You can hear it a total of two times.

 

Connie          Okay.

 

Dr James       You open up a dry cleaners. On the border between two towns. Your shop is the only one of its kind in thesurrounding area. Within the first year of business the population doubles. Your business prospers and reactions from yourcustomers indicate the cleaning is of good quality.

 

Connie          Okay.

 

Dr James       You hire more staff which is an outlay but improves customer service. Your gross income goes up and you wonderabout applying to the bank for a loan to open up a chain of such shops. As you had expected the bank approves the loan.

 

Connie          Yay, go me!

 

Dr James       Now a quick memory test, can you tell me the nature of your business. Was it A) greengrocers or B) dry cleaners?

 

Connie          B.

 

Dr James       And where was the shop set up was it A) —

 

Connie          On the border / between two towns.

 

Dr James       / In the centre of town or B) on the border between — yes. And the reason for your business success was it A)lack of competition or B) A good business plan?

 

Connie          (thinks)

Sorry, what?

 

Dr James       The reason for your success —

 

Connie          You didn’t say. So am I me? I’m now a dry cleaner? Or am I a different version of me who had an upbringing andeverything that led me into dry cleaning?

 

Dr James       Remembering the story I told you, what was the reason for your success?

 

Connie          It’s impossible to say.

 

Dr James       What impression did you —

 

Connie          Is this a test of memory?

 

Dr James       This is the last question.

 

Connie          So I have to tell you why my business succeeded. A lack of competition or my good business plan?

 

Dr James       That’s right.

 

Connie          But the business and the town are fictional. Even the me is kind of fictional.

 

Dr James       Could I have an answer?

 

Connie          Afterwards will you tell me why?

 

Dr James       Why?

 

Connie          I’m a psychology student.

 

Dr James       Then you can work it out for yourself. What was the reason for your success ?

 

Connie          A) lack of competition. May as well. There’ll be like a hundred factors in this fictional town’s economy.

 

Dr James       Okay.

 

Connie          So if I’d said my business plan.

 

Dr James       Then what?

 

Connie          Then I’d be taking responsibility for the success —

 

Dr James       Right …

 

Connie          Whereas lack of competition, that’s more luck, that’s … location … Nothing to do with me …?

 

Dr James       Mmhm.

 

Connie          So what’s that got to do with the trial?

 

Dr James       People prone to depression, Connie, they tend to attribute success to external causes and failure to internal ones.

 

Connie          So if I do well it’s because of something outside of me, but if I do badly it’s because of my own stupid self.

 

Dr James       Exactly.

 

Connie          What would a ‘normal’ mind do?

 

Dr James       Well a so-called ‘healthy’ mind, the healthiest mind would think if things go well it’s down to me, I did that. And ifit goes badly —

 

Connie          They’ve been unlucky.

 

Dr James       Victim of circumstance, yes.

 

Connie          So in order for my mind to be healthy, it sort of has to be …

 

Dr James       Wrong. Yes.

What are you doing, psychology?

 

Connie          (nods)

And social science.

 

Dr James       Gosh. Never too late to become a real doctor, you know(!)

How do you feel?

 

Connie          A bit awkward.

 

Dr James       No I mean physically.

 

Connie          Oh. Fine. A bit tense you know ‘up’ like, something’s going to happen. I keep thinking my hearing’s really good,that’s crazy isn’t it?! But Tristan said the same.

 

Dr James       Well the agent’s designed to increase levels of dopamine —

 

Connie          Right.

 

Dr James       And that’s what’s stimulated by new, exciting experiences generally so, there’ll be a lot of that sloshingabout.

There’s an old joke actually. How does it go. So. There’s this medic at a conference and he’s fallen for a girl there whohasn’t looked twice at him. Now he knows dopamine is the initial trigger in falling in love but also that dopamine isstimulated by new, exciting experiences. So to try and get the girl he arranges for them to go bungee jumping together tosort of set up his own chemical reaction. So the instructor ties them together and they stand over this incredible valley andhe’s got his arms round her and they fall headlong into this incredible, adrenaline-filled rush — and their dopamine levels gowild. And eventually, they get lifted back onto the bridge, they get their breath back and he looks into her eyes and says,‘Wasn’t that amazing?!’ And breathlessly she answers, ‘Yes! And isn’t the instructor handsome!’

 

Beat.

Dr James       It’s a sort of a science joke so …

 

Connie          No, I like it. Cos it’s the instructor …

 

Dr James       Yes, that she’s … yes.

 

Toby              enters, perusing medical records Dr James has given him.

Toby              This is very good isn’t it.

 

Dr James       I’m not sure it’s good or bad it’s just the case.

 

Toby              Well done.

Different from what you’re used to I bet.

 

Dr James       Different.

 

Toby              Easier.

 

Dr James       Different.

 

Toby              Elevated mood.

 

Dr James       Yes.

 

Toby              Increased energy levels.

 

Dr James       Yes.

 

Toby              Weight loss(!)

 

Dr James       Mmhm.

 

Toby              And increased height?!

 

Dr James       Average 2 centimetres.

 

Toby              Height?

 

She nods.

Toby              Doesn’t seem likely.

 

Dr James       Well I’m not raising the floors.

 

Toby              I didn’t think we were even monitoring height.

 

Dr James       I monitor everything.

 

Toby              I see that. Why are you doing psychological tests? Of this quantity. It’s a phase 1, physical.

 

Dr James       Well everything’s physical in the end isn’t it.

 

Toby              There’s really no need, just stick to protocol.

 

Dr James       Yes.

 

Toby              An anti-depressant effect in healthy volunteers. Pretty extraordinary.

 

Dr James       Barely a week in, they know they’re being given an anti-depressant, it’ll be mostly their own expectation, surely?

 

Toby              Could be. But the new design is fast-acting so …

 

Dr James       Sorry, I just would assume it’s psychological.

 

Toby              Robust objectivity. Quite right. It’s good to see you Lorn. I mean I know I saw you at the — but I mean alone. You lookreally well.

 

Dr James       —

 

Toby              I bet you think I’m looking old.

 

Dr James       What? No, don’t say that, you make me think you’re thinking that about me.

 

Toby              No!

 

Dr James       I should say thank you for all this. I know I wouldn’t — it’s very um, good of you.

 

Toby              Oh don’t (even) — it’s just great to see you and for you to be here.

No, you know how things are. We could do withfresh eyes. It’s a touchy area.

 

Dr James       Rightly so.

 

Toby              Believe me I don’t want to spend five weeks on a trial that gets discredited. It’s why we’re developing newgenerations of ADs in the first place.

 

Dr James       Because the old ones have been discredited.

 

Toby              No they haven’t been discredited, the studies that discredited our original trials have themselves been discreditednow.

 

Dr James       In new studies by you.

 

Toby              Yes. Well us. Don’t worry, I’m the one always persuading them not to relocate the trials out to West Africa. Anti-depressant trials!

 

Dr James       I’m sure they get depressed in Gambia.

 

Toby              I’m sure they get fucking depressed in the Gambia, doesn’t mean we should use them as guinea pigs then disappearoff with our drugs.

 

Dr James       I read you’re advising the government on psychopharmaceuticals at the moment?

 

Toby              No, I’m on a panel. I’m not —

 

Dr James       I keep expecting to see you on a TED talk or something.

 

Toby              Ah! No I. They have asked actually, but no I’m saving that for the day I write that book(!)

 

Dr James       And how are you? How are the kids?

 

Toby              Great, thank you, yeah. I got engaged!

 

Dr James       Oh! Congratulations! Wow(!)

 

Toby              Yes and divorced of course, I should probably say those the other way round.

 

Dr James       Ah, okay, right. Well, congratulations again.

 

Toby              Thanks, I realise that should probably have happened a while ago …

 

Dr James       Well. That must have been hard.

 

Toby              No. For the best. It’s all good.

 

Dr James       No, I think I heard actually, is she a lab assistant at MB?

 

Toby              Yes, where did you hear that?

 

Dr James       I ran into Bill Fitzgrove at customs ages ago and he said —

 

Toby              God Bill. Did you, yes, he worked with her —

 

Dr James       Yeah.

 

Toby              How is he? Is he still at Brown?

 

Dr James       Yes. He’s Alzheimer’s now.

 

Toby              Great! You mean he’s —

 

Dr James       Oh yeah, researching, he’s not …(!)

 

Toby              Good(!) huh. Yeah. Did we — Did I meet him with you?

 

Dr James       Yes at that conference.

 

Toby              My god, yes, and he came over at the bar —

 

Dr James       That’s right. It was after your talk and you / dropped —

 

Toby              / That’s right. I still do that talk —

 

Dr James       I know.

 

Toby              Well a variation of it, for Rauschen.

 

Dr James       With the uh?

 

She mimes an action, carrying a bucket. He mimes it back.

Toby              Yes.

 

Dr James       (remembering)

Yes, I remember. He came over after and you dropped your cigarette, and I was hopping aboutcos it burnt my leg —

 

Toby              What?

 

Dr James       You remember. He was introducing himself —

 

Toby              No, I do, but you dropped it, and — I don’t smoke.

 

Dr James       Of course you don’t, nobody smokes now, you did then.

 

Toby              Did I? No I didn’t — Very …

 

Dr James       I have a scar!

 

Toby              Well to be fair we can’t know for certain what caused that(!)

 

Dr James       No.

 

Toby              But I’m sorry if that’s true.

 

Dr James       I wasn’t being serious.

When you could smoke indoors(!)

 

Beat.

Toby              Really glad to see you looking so well, though, Lorna./

 

Dr James       / And you.

 

Toby              We’re due to escalate dosage tomorrow. I’ll come back for the scans. But I’ll sign off first dosage escalation now ifyou’re happy?

 

Slowly and slightly Dr James nods.

DOSAGE INCREASE: 50mg

Dosages are administered.

Connie          I’ve been having the most extraordinary dreams.

 

Tristan          Yes! Me too.

 

Connie          Vivid.

 

Tristan          Yeah! And so fucking …

 

Connie          Mundane!

 

Tristan          Bizarre!

Mundane?

 

Connie          Yeah, last night I dreamt my whole weekly shop I do. Went round the whole supermarket, near where I live. Mybrain must have designed every label, every detail. In real time, for hours. And when I woke up I was like, what a boringdream! And then I thought, god no, what a boring life!

 

Tristan          One week in, this is where it hits you.

 

Connie          Yeah I’m feeling that.

 

Tristan          I’m climbing the fucking walls.

 

Connie          I’d kill for a cigarette.

 

Tristan          I snuck out once for a fag.

 

Connie          Did you?!

 

Tristan          You know round the back of here’s an old asylum?

 

Connie          What?!

 

Tristan          You know, a mental hospital.

 

Connie          No(!) What’s it like?

 

Tristan          You want to see?

 

Connie          We’re not allowed out.

 

Tristan          I might know a way.

 

Connie          You mean the really old building with the red brick?

 

Tristan          Yeah, they don’t use it any more, it’s all boarded up.

 

A man enters with a bucket. It is Toby.

Toby              (to audience, at an industry event)

Hello. This couldn’t be more glamorous, could it, a man coming on with a bucket.But fear not, the money’s gone on what’s inside. I’m Toby, I’m a psychiatrist, I’m afraid. My father was a heart surgeon andwhen I told him I wanted to specialise in psychiatry he said, ‘Oh really? The Cinderella of medicine?’ Which um (He gesturesto a knife in his heart, casually.)

because Dad thought psychiatry was nonsense about Freud and everything being motivatedby your parents. But I was determined to prove him wrong(!)

But seriously, I do think I’ve vanquished my father in a waybecause, I didn’t want to be a heart surgeon. I didn’t want to be a plumber of the body. I wanted to be an explorer.

 

He removes something from liquid in the container and holds it aloft and looks at it. It is a human brain.

Toby              So I became a psychiatrist and of course, like all doctors, you find your chosen speciality is defined by what goeswrong. When the brain goes wrong, there are symptoms and there are physical causes, as with anything else. But becausewe think with our brain we struggle to frame it as the complex piece of biological machinery it is. We’re happy to have hearttransplants and liver transplants but we can’t imagine a brain transplant. Because nowadays we think our soul is in there. Butthat sense of ‘us’ is only a small part of what’s going on at any moment. As you sit listening to me your brain is generouslytaking care of the basics to keep you alive; breathing, your heart pumping. But it’s also regulating other things so you don’thave to be consciously aware of them, your temperature, ignoring the sound of other people breathing, forcing foodthrough your gut, positioning your spinal column in your seat, which doesn’t look terribly comfortable, I’m sorry. Swallowingso you don’t choke on your saliva. Actively thinking about these things doesn’t help but the brain is taking care of it. And ifwe suffered a neurological oddity that meant we couldn’t swallow we’d see nothing wrong with addressing and repairingthat in the brain. There are diseases of the brain. Since we’ve been able to begin scanning and mapping the brain in the lastquarter century we’re much closer to understanding its functions and its malfunctions. And rather than have people feelthey’re crazy or incapable or dangerous in soul, we’re able to show them what they really are. Ill. We need to considermental health the same way we do the bodily kind, because it is the bodily kind. (Referring to brain.)

Here’s our body. Andsometimes it requires medication. Those who suffer mental illness are not weak. They are strong enough to help themselves.They know that what they are experiencing is not ‘normal’ and they need support. And how about we start by expandingthat idea of ‘normal’ anyway to include mental illness. We are many of us going to experience a mental health condition inour lives. Why are we still tied to the notion of the sane and the insane? Why not call ourselves the insane and the ‘notinsane at the moment’? We are facing an everyday epidemic. Depression is fast becoming the biggest cause of disability inthe world. This is why medical intervention is so important. My father used to say about surgery that it’s only love makes itanything except the act of two madmen. I feel that way about medication. It’s love that means we treat people so they canlive at home, in the community, rather than locked away. And it’s love and it’s trust that means that people don’t lose theirjobs or their children when they have a bout of depression. The psycho-pharmacological revolution is the most importantoccurrence in medicine in my lifetime. And I’m proud to have been a part of that. My father lived just long enough to see it.He ran three miles a day into his seventies, he didn’t touch red meat, and what got him in the end was up here. But in one ofhis more lucid moments, he decided to donate his brain to science for teaching and research into this field. (He talks to thebrain.)

So thank you Dad. Thanks to people like you, the Cinderella of medicine got to go to the ball.

 

Moonlight.

Connie          and Tristan enter a very large room. It is an unused dilapidated recreation area, once something grander.

Connie          Oh my word.

 

She instinctively gets closer to him.

Tristan          Fuuuck.

 

They laugh. They make noises that echo.

Connie          It’s amazing to be somewhere with space.

 

She enjoys the space. She does something gymnastic.

Tristan          watches her, lights a cigarette. He puts the cigarette in her mouth as she is in the gymnastic position. She smokes it.

Tristan          Why do they keep it? It’s falling to bits.

 

Connie          It’ll be a listed building. It’d probably cost more to do it up than to close off like this.

 

Tristan          You’re such a grown up. Imagine them all in here, rocking.

 

Connie          (re her gymnastics)

Can you do any tricks?

 

Tristan          I’ll show you on one condition.

 

Connie          What?

 

Tristan          Come travelling with me after this.

 

Connie          (sound)

!

 

Tristan          Why not? Doesn’t have to be for long. We’ll go anywhere you like.

 

Connie          I’m not going travelling with you. I barely know you.

 

Tristan          What do you want to know?

 

Connie          Tris, I’m not doing that, my course, my relationship, my work.

 

Tristan          Don’t be so practical! Be romantic!

 

Connie          That’s not romantic, that’s insane! You’d be doing what you’re doing anyway, just with some company. You’re theone being practical!

 

Tristan          Do you think your parents would like me?

 

Connie          !

 

Tristan          Do they like him?

 

Connie          Piss off.

 

Tristan          I bet they don’t. He must be older, right? Is he older?

Just tell me he’s not your teacher or something.

 

Connie          He’s not — stop it.

 

Tristan          Just tell me it’s not that.

 

Connie          It’s not. He never taught me.

 

Tristan          Oh fuck.

 

Connie          The reason I’m not at all bothered about what you think is I know exactly what you think and I know it’s not true.

 

Tristan          Boring anyway. Let’s get back to what do you want to know about me?

 

Connie          Nothing, Tris, seriously.

 

Tristan          Nothing?!

 

Connie          No I do, course I do. You’re very interesting. Just. I feel weird, that’s all. I don’t feel what I’d feel like in real life.

 

Tristan          This is real life. When is it real then?

 

Connie          No I mean. The anti-depressant, the doctor said, they’re designed to stimulate certain, like dopamine. Which is therush you get if something exciting happens or, when you — well it’s fake, it’s a chemical that feels like. Like falling forsomeone.

 

Beat.

Tristan          So?

 

Connie          So forgive me if I take everything with a big pinch of, you know …

 

Tristan          What you think I don’t like you properly because of the —?

 

Connie          I think it’s a strong possibility.

 

Tristan          Bullshit. I can tell the difference between who I am and a side effect.

 

Connie          With respect Tristan, no you definitely can’t.

 

Tristan          You’re saying any attraction is a result of the trial.

 

Connie          Part of it could be.

 

Tristan          You must be basing that on feeling a sort of attraction then?

 

Connie          I didn’t say that! It’s a chemical reaction, is what I’m saying.

 

Tristan          But I’m still me.

 

Connie          No, yes, you’re you, but under the influence of something. If you were really pissed and going ‘I love you, you’re mybest mate’ I wouldn’t believe it either.

 

Tristan          Why not? Men say that and mean it, they just can’t say it when they’re sober.

 

Connie          Yeah but they’ll have known that person (ages) — and I don’t know, I’m just telling you what the doctor said.

 

Tristan          Ah, what does she know? They don’t know anything, knowledge is a myth.

 

Connie          Okay …

 

Tristan          They wouldn’t be trialling if they knew. I once had chronic diarrhoea for six days straight, nobody predicted that.They say all sorts of shit, they say you have to give in your phone because it interferes with the equipment.

 

Connie          You do have to give in your phone because it interferes with the equipment.

 

Tristan          Jesus, do you want a phone? I’ll give you a phone. I give in a dummy.

 

He roots around in his bag and tosses her a phone.

Tristan          Say you have to make a call, get your phone back, go to the loo and put the sim in this one. ‘Interferes with theequipment’, it’s like they say that on planes. It’s just that it’s really hard to control a bunch of people if they’ve got phones.Anytime anyone says turn off your phone you should worry that’s a situation where you might die, not worry about thefucking equipment.

 

Connie          Can I actually have this?

 

Tristan          Yeah I normally sell them but that’s a shit one.

 

Connie          I like it it’s like the ’90s.

 

Tristan          You don’t really think that? That I only like you, cos I’m high or something.

 

Connie          Everything we do is just about what’s pumping round inside us, isn’t it?

 

Tristan          Well that’s a cold way of looking at a person.

 

Connie          Why?!

We are our bodies, our bodies are us … there’s not something more … And that’s fine. That’s enough. It’slike, the world is incredible and beautiful, even though we know there’s no god behind it. It’s even more amazing for that.

 

Tristan          Hang on, we know there’s no God behind it?

 

Connie          Yeah, I mean, sorry. Oh, really?

 

Tristan          What?

 

Connie          You believe in God?

 

Tristan          What? It’s alright, you look disappointed(!)

 

Connie          No, it’s terrible isn’t it, you just assume — when you meet someone and you …

 

Tristan          When you meet someone …

 

Connie          And you get on, you assume …

 

Tristan          I knew it! You’re disappointed I believe in God because you like me! (Thank you Lord.)

 

Connie          Sorry that’s awful.

 

Tristan          No no no. Let’s say you’re right, let’s say we’re attracted to each other (because we are you just admitted it and youcan’t go back now), let’s say we’re attracted to each other and that’s been kicked off by these …

 

Connie          The dopamine.

 

Tristan          Drugs or whatever. So what?

 

Connie          What d’you mean?

 

Tristan          What difference does it make?

 

Connie          Well clearly then it’s something to be wary of.

 

Tristan          It is what it is. Doesn’t matter why.

 

Connie          It matters massi — … It’s all that matters.

 

Tristan          Why?

 

Connie          Because, it’s the reason.

 

Tristan          So?

 

Connie          I can’t work out if I understand something you don’t or you understand something I don’t.

 

Tristan          People meet each other and fall in love all sorts of ways, doesn’t matter what starts it. I’m sure there’s a rush ofsomething chemical if you meet on holiday or on a bus with a bomb on it, doesn’t mean Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullockaren’t really in love.

 

Connie          What? Speed?! You’re giving me Speed!?

 

Tristan          I couldn’t think of a recent film.

 

Connie          Say film again.

 

Tristan          (Piss off!) It’s a bit like speed actually, this, this feeling isn’t it. The taste in your throat.

 

Connie          I wouldn’t know.

 

Tristan          But you think it’s fake? So what you think a few years on, Sandra and Keanu are just sat in a restaurant in silencethinking why did I marry this loser, all we had in common was a bus!

 

Connie          (laughing)

Yeah I do actually, I do!

 

Tristan          I like your laugh.

 

Connie          Do you know why?

 

Tristan          It’s sexy.

 

Connie          No actually why. It’s a show of submission.

 

Tristan          What?!

 

Connie          Laughing is a way of showing submission, so men like it when women laugh. It shows they’re dominant.

 

Tristan          In my fuck! You laugh when something’s funny.

 

Connie          No. You don’t laugh out loud alone watching a sitcom.

 

Tristan          Yes you do.

 

Connie          You don’t. It’s a social thing. It says ‘I get the joke, I’m clever’, or you use it to show you’re attracted to someone.The head thrown back, the throat exposed.

 

Tristan          That’s not why you laugh. You laugh at someone else. It’s not all about you.

I’ve taken drugs before, right? There’snot a drug in the world can really make you look at someone and find them attractive or listen to ’em and find theminteresting or —

 

Connie          Yes there is!

 

Tristan          Not smell them and … know.

 

He’s advanced closer and closer until now they can just about smell the other.

Connie          That’s pheromones isn’t it?

 

Tristan          Is there no mystery for you?

 

Connie          There is, but it’s more than smelling? It takes work.

 

Tristan          You don’t really believe that?

 

Connie          What?

 

Tristan          About love and that?

 

Beat.

Connie          I just think it comes and goes. There’s a period of time, maybe enough to raise a child and then … You know, thefew times I’ve ever loved anyone they’ve always, at some point they’ve written I Love You in the snow or the sand — onholiday — to me. And it’s wonderful, but the next time someone … it happens, or the next even … you think, Oh okay.Again. And you think of the last time. And what that meant. And, just for it to get washed away or melt or …

 

Tristan          Some people never get loved like that.

 

Connie          I know.

 

Tristan          If I did that, for you, I’d be holding back the sea from ever coming in.

 

Connie          You’re sunshine, you know that. I bet you thought the dry cleaning business was a success cos of your greatbusiness plan, didn’t you?

 

Tristan          Of course. It was!

 

Connie          So you take drugs then, proper ones ?

 

Tristan          / Sometimes. You?

 

Connie          No. I just think of drugs as like fags or cheese or something, if you get to a point and you’re not into them, don’tget into them you’ll only have to give them up down the line cos they’re bad for you.

 

Tristan          It’s about trying something new.

 

Connie          Sure but it’s only new once. Then it’s the same as everything else.

 

Tristan          But everything has to be new once!

 

Connie          Sure but it’s essentially a way of distracting yourself.

 

Tristan          From what?

 

Connie          From the fact that you and everyone you love is definitely gonna die.

 

Mini-beat.

Tristan          Good! I’m glad I’m distracting myself from that! Good!

 

Connie          Just thinking, oh this thing will make me happy, no this thing, no it must be that next thing. Like why are you goingtravelling?

 

Tristan          To see things, meet people. Have my mind … expanded.

 

Connie          Cool man.

 

Tristan          What?!

 

Connie          Nothing. You’ll go to different countries and talk to people with flags sewn on their backpacks about travellerthings, and get stoned and say hey did you ever think that maybe the red you see and the red I see are actually not thesame red — / ?

 

/ She feigns shooting herself in the head.

Connie          Like look at this square metre.

 

She’s talking about the floor.

Tristan          What?

 

She sits, kneels beside it.

Connie          There’s a whole world here. It’s just what you notice. Look at the floor.

 

Tristan          Tiles.

 

Connie          Yeah it used to be. Different colours.

 

Tristan          Tiny tiles.

 

Connie          Mosaic. That seems weird.

 

Tristan          Why would people put a mosaic on the floor of a mental asylum?

 

Connie          Maybe it wasn’t a mental asylum when it was built.

 

Tristan          Or maybe they thought mental patients spend a lot of time looking down.

 

She smiles at him.

Connie          See all of this, you can get all of this from one square yard. You don’t need to change continent every day.

 

Tristan          That would work, that would work except for one thing.

 

Connie          What?

 

Tristan          You wouldn’t be in here in the first place if it wasn’t for me.

 

Beat.

Tristan          Come travelling with me.

 

Connie          Oh come on — we don’t know each other!

 

Tristan          How do you know anyone?

 

Connie          When you’ve talked to them, when you trust them —

 

Tristan          You’ve come into a mental asylum with me at night! You trust me. I’m going to the fucking Taj Mahal. One of thewonders of the world, the most incredible testament to love ever built. You got that in your square yard?

 

Connie          Why don’t you do your trick.

 

Beat.

Tristan          I could actually.

 

Connie          I really want to see it.

 

Tristan          Do you?

 

Connie          Yeah.

 

Tristan          (I might go outside the square yard is that okay?/)

 

Connie          (/ That’s fine.)

 

He cycles through tracks on his phone. He plays one.

He gets drawing pins from an old notice-board and stabs them into his soles.

Tristan          performs a tap-dance to the music. It is surprisingly good.

Tristan          (I was regional junior Ulster tap champion 1994.)

 

Towards the end he puts his arms around Connie to half-dance with her and leading to a kiss.

During this, Dr James enters.

Dr James       Oh thank god, where have you been? I thought I’d have to call the police!

 

Connie          Sorry.

 

Dr James       Are you okay?

 

Connie          Fine.

 

Dr James       What’s going on?

 

Connie          Nothing sorry.

 

Dr James       Did you climb out of a window?!

 

Tristan          No, fire / escape.

 

Connie          / Fire escape. Sorry.

 

Dr James       Was there a fire?

 

Beat as they work out whether this is rhetorical.

Tristan          We were going a bit mad in there and wanted to check out / outside —

 

Dr James       / You’re going a bit mad in here by the look of it.

Sorry I didn’t realise I was in charge of a bunch of school kids —

 

Connie          Sorry.

 

Tristan          Sorry.

 

Dr James       You signed a protocol.

 

Tristan          We haven’t done anything to mess / with the —

 

Dr James       / You have no idea what you’ve done. Have you been smoking?

 

She picks up the cigarette butt.

Dr James       It stinks of it.

 

Tristan          Alright, but yeah we’re not at school, so you don’t need to be a bitch/ about it

 

Connie          / Tris —

 

Dr James       / Nicotine will inflate your dopamine levels for hours which are already elevated from the agent, that affects myresults. I’m sorry if my experiment that you’re being paid to do is getting in the way of your moves.

Connie          ?

 

Connie          Mm?

 

Dr James       You came here of your own accord, presumably?

 

Connie          Yes!

 

Tristan          Steady(!)

 

Dr James       Just to be clear, you have signed a consent form committing to refraining from sexual activity.

 

Connie          Yeah, I know(!) Not that we’ve done anything …(!) Other than what you saw.

 

Tristan          Yeah, you perv.

 

They both look at him.

Tristan          Sorry I don’t know why I said that.

 

Dr James       You can’t disappear with psychiatric medication coursing through you, I’m responsible for your safety. Bed please.Your own.

 

Connie          Sorry.

 

Dr James       We have fMRIs tomorrow so please, go and rest your brains.

 

Dr James       lights a cigarette and smokes it and hears herself over the speaker. As she hears her own voice she tries to control aswelling sobbing growing in her from anxiety.

Dr James       (V/O) Okay. Just relax. Everything’s fine. Exhale. There’s no need for anxiety. Just keep your head in one place.Okay. Now I want you to think of something positive.

 

They think of one another.

During above, their beds become MRI machines and the loud, other-worldly, claustrophobic darkness of MRI envelops each lover intheir own minds.

Possibly they are replaced by scans of two brains, theirs presumably, on screen. Tiny incidental labelling reads Volunteer 2 andVolunteer 7.

Importantly, which scan belongs to which volunteer is unknown.

Observing the two brainscans are Toby and Dr James.

Toby              What do you think?

 

Dr James       What do I think?

 

Toby              Yeah, what do you think?

 

Dr James       I think it’s too early to say.

 

Toby              What?!

 

Dr James       I think it’s too early to say.

 

Toby              Look at them!

 

Dr James       I am.

 

Toby              And tell me the reported effects.

 

Dr James       Elevated mood.

 

Toby              Yes.

 

Dr James       Increased energy levels.

 

Toby              Yes.

And here we see dampened amygdala activity.

She nods.

Strong activity in the dopaminergic pathways and the reward centres of the brain in general.

She nods.

An anti-depressant effect if ever I’ve seen one!

 

Dr James       If you say so.

 

Toby              It’s on a scan, Lorna, right in front of you!

 

Dr James       I see it.

 

Toby              In healthy volunteers.

 

Dr James       I don’t doubt there’s an ‘anti-depressant effect’ going on. But I don’t think it’s got anything to do with your drug.

 

Toby              Well that seems rather a coincidence.

 

Dr James       You’re seeing what you want to see. It’s what you lot do.

 

Toby              My lot? My lot are your lot.

 

Dr James       It’s difficult to know what lot I’m in sometimes.

 

Toby              Professionally speaking, why don’t you think it’s the drug?

 

Dr James       Professionally speaking, two very good reasons. You asked to see the scans of the volunteers showing thegreatest effect. Are you interested in who they are?

 

Toby              Of course.

 

Dr James       K. Two very different clinical histories, backgrounds, genders even. But they have one thing in common. They areboth involved in an intense and protracted flirtation, with each other.

 

Toby              Really? Right … So you think that’s what I’m looking at?

 

Dr James       I think their physical symptoms and this neural activity is a result of that … attraction and frankly it’s obscuring anysense of what the drug itself is doing.

 

Beat.

Toby              Unless it is what the drug itself is doing.

 

Dr James       No, I don’t think so.

 

Toby              (reading results)

We’ve got increased electrodermal response.

 

Dr James       They’re sweating more.

 

Toby              Pupil dilation, suppressed appetite, inability to sleep …?

 

Dr James       Exactly.

 

Toby              Exactly!

 

Dr James       I don’t understand what you’re exactly-ing.

 

Toby              If the agent is causing all these symptoms, why on earth wouldn’t they assume they were infatuated?

 

Dr James       You think because they feel all the things one would associate with infatuation they are just … assuming that’swhat they are.

 

Toby              Assuming, exactly. The body responds a certain way to what it’s being given, they can’t sleep, they can’t eat, they’rein a constant state of neural excitement ever since they met, what’s the brain going to conclude?

 

Dr James       You think it mistakes that for love?

 

Toby              Not even mistakes it, creates it, after. To make sense of the response.

Are the other volunteers showing similar effect?

 

Dr James       Not to the same extent.

 

Toby              But they’re all straight men, right?

 

Dr James       From their hygiene levels I’d guess, yes.

 

Toby              Well maybe they’ve just got nowhere to go with it, nothing to hang it off. You can instil very strong feelings in a bodyas long as it’s toward something that looks right, you know? You can make ducklings follow a kettle believing it’s theirmother for years.

 

Dr James       Can you.

 

Toby              They did it at Exeter.

 

Dr James       Oh that’s very Exeter.

 

Toby              I know(!)

Look at it objectively. The agent’s designed to avoid the emotional dampening we normally see with anti-depressants. It makes sense emotions would be heightened. And with healthy volunteers we’re starting from a midpoint.We’re looking at normal minds to start with … —

 

Dr James       ‘Normal minds’(!)

 

Toby              You know what I mean. Depression’s characterised by deadness of emotion, right? Insularity, lack of engagement withthe world and those around you —

 

Dr James       Is it.

 

Toby              So the other end of the spectrum, where the agent could be taking them, is extreme emotion, excess engagement,overwhelming purpose and feeling. What does that sound like —?

 

Dr James       Bollocks?

 

Toby              What does it sound like?

 

Dr James       I’m pretty sure it’s not drug effect, Toby(!)

 

Toby              How? Don’t forget it was just a blood pressure trial where they discovered Viagra. Once everyone noticed that oneprominent side effect.

 

Dr James       So what? You’re thinking you’ve discovered a Viagra for the heart?

 

Toby              Don’t be simplistic. It’s just not impossible. Cannabis we know increases susceptibility to schizophrenia. Likewise I’msure you can create a chemical vulnerability, to something more positive —

 

Dr James       Sounds a bit rohypnol to me.

 

Toby              I mean it rather romantically! Medical science has extended everyone’s lives without taking any responsibility for ushaving to be married longer. We could do with a bit of help!

 

Dr James       What you mean instead of giving up and starting over?

 

Toby              It depends. But you’d try anything in the worst of it.

 

Dr James       But we’re not talking about … attraction though are we?

 

Toby              Aren’t we?

 

Dr James       I don’t think so. It seems to me you’re trying to stress the chemical nature of things, for my benefit.

 

Beat.

Toby              No. But okay, yes, equally, if you have a chemical imbalance that makes you sleep all the time, feel lethargic, havetrouble focusing, of course you’re going to eventually feel depressed.

 

Dr James       Oh for god’s sake Toby, you ask someone about their history of depression they don’t say I felt tired one day.They say, I lost my job, I lost my wife, there are external events they / respond to —

 

Toby              / Everybody loses their job, everybody loses their wife!

 

Dr James       No they don’t, Toby! It’s about an interaction with the world. It doesn’t just appear. I know this depression asdisease thing is good for business but —

 

Toby              Don’t. Don’t say that in front of me.

 

Dr James       Don’t say that in front of me!

I was a clinical psychiatrist at Barts for ten years while you were greasing your way upthe ladder, don’t tell / me what …

 

Toby              / Why would you grease a ladder?!

 

Dr James       You know what I mean.

 

Toby              You weren’t there a lot of those ten years.

 

Dr James       You don’t know that at all!

 

Beat.

Toby              I’m sorry that’s not the point.

 

Dr James       You don’t!

 

Toby              And it’s irrelevant.

 

Dr James       Are you interested in why I don’t think it’s drug effect?

 

Toby              Of course, what do you think I’m interested in?!

 

Dr James       I think you’re interested in whatever’s most interesting.

 

Toby              I’m just alive to possibility.

Come on then, what makes you so sure this isn’t the drug?

 

Dr James       Thank you Doctor, I’m glad you asked. Because number seven here is on a placebo! Not even on your drug! Andhas all those physical symptoms and apparent anti-depressant effect!

 

Toby              Ah.

 

Dr James       Yes ah. So that’s definitely not your drug.

 

Toby              On placebo.

 

Dr James       Yes. So with one of them the effect’s entirely natural.

 

A sound to indicate scan’s end, resumption of trial protocol and attendance for dosing.

DOSAGE INCREASE: 100mg

Connie          takes her dosage somewhere else, but goes for the wrong one. Dr James corrects her.

Dr James       No, that’s not yours.

 

Connie          Sorry, does it matter —?

 

Dr James       That one, please.

 

Connie          follows this with concerned interest, looks at her pills more closely.

Tristan          receives his dosages.

Tristan          Can I go to the rec room?

 

Dr James       No, you’re by yourself now.

 

Tristan          Why?

 

Dr James       I’m here to monitor physiological effects, I can do without you going off creating your own. Stay here please.

 

In separate spaces:

Dr James       Okay.

Anxiety? Is that what you’re saying? Anxious.

 

Connie          Sort of. Yeah. But there’s something else.

 

Tristan          Anxiety, yeah, but anxiety if it’s good. Is there a word for that?

 

Connie          I do feel — yeah, I can’t think of another word. But yeah.

 

Tristan          Alive. Really alive.

 

Dr James       More ‘alive’ than usual?

 

Connie          Yeah, my thoughts are racing, the speed of thought, the repetition.

 

Tristan          Alert, you know? Like everything’s more vivid?

 

Connie          Can I ask you something?

 

Tristan          Can I ask you something?

 

Dr James       Sure.

 

Tristan          How’s Connie?

 

Connie          Tristan. When you do these trials, someone has to not be on the drug right?

 

Tristan          I’m not sleeping.

 

Dr James       Right.

 

Connie          Is that true?

 

Dr James       All drugs are compared to a control, yes.

 

Connie          So that means I might, someone might, not be on the drug?

 

Tristan          Connie said the same, thoughts are racing too much.

 

Dr James       What do you mean by that?

 

Tristan          Connie.

 

Connie          Tristan. Gosh, my heart.

 

Tristan          My heart.

 

Connie          Feels like it’s going —

 

Dr James       Going —?

 

Tristan          Going —

 

Connie          Going, you know?

 

Tristan          I don’t know, faster.

 

Connie          Can you see that?

 

Dr James       See what?

 

Connie          If someone isn’t on the drug, right? Sorry, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. But you can’t tell them, right?

 

Tristan          I just feel, vivid. Everything is vivid.

 

Dr James       It’s not for you to worry about, much better you just tune in to what you feel.

 

Connie          Right.

 

Tristan          Pumping.

 

Connie          Head rush. But if they knew?

 

Dr James       They don’t know.

 

Tristan          My stomach feels higher in my body. Like just at the top of a ride be/fore it —

 

Connie          / You don’t tell them on purpose, right?

 

Tristan          makes the sound of the rollercoaster ride descending.

Dr James       That’s important. No one knows.

 

Connie          Right.

 

Tristan          My mouth tastes like metal when I swallow.

 

Connie          Can I have some water?

 

Dr James       You don’t tell them, that could invalidate the trial.

 

Connie          Sorry, oh, I’m feeling sick.

 

Tristan          My stomach.

 

Dr James       Are you going to the loo okay?

 

Connie          It’s just a bit upset, that’s all, at least I’m losing weight(!)

 

Tristan          I could shit through the eye of a fucking needle!

 

Dr James       Well we can try that later.

 

Connie          Sorry. God I’m shaking.

 

Dr James       When did the shaking start?

 

Tristan          Today, right, I’m not sleeping, really, look it’s stopped.

 

He’s holding out his hand. Connie is holding hers out, it’s trembling.

Connie          See? Is this bad?

 

Dr James       You’re probably dehydrated.

 

Connie          Cos I feel —

 

Tristan          I feel —

 

Connie          I feel —

 

Tristan          I feel —

 

Connie          I feel —

 

Tristan          Have I lost weight? Feels like I have.

 

Connie          My skin looks better. But I don’t know if that’s, you know —

 

Tristan          And I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you’re after —

 

Connie          And I don’t know if this is the sort of thing you want —

But I think there’s an effect on um …

 

Tristan          Sex drive’s mental!

 

Connie          ‘Libido’.

 

Dr James       Righty-ho.

 

Tristan          I feel … more awake.

 

Connie          I’ve never felt this alert before.

 

Dr James       Just try and breathe, relax, it’s lights out soon. If you can get some sleep, that would be better.

 

Connie          Sleep?!

 

Tristan          Sleep? Sleep’s for the weak.

 

Connie          I feel like I might never sleep again(!)

 

Dr James       Alright. Straight back to your room now, please. Make sure you’ve got your box on, yeah? Someone comes tocollect it in the morning.

 

Connie          and Tristan swab the inside of their cheeks. It’s a childish but sweet motion in their upbeat hypnosis.

Tristan          and Connie inhabit bodies racked with expectant, alert physicality, aroused and nervy in separate rooms. They begin textingeach other on the phones that Tris provided. Every glowing vibrating missive is a jolt of dopamine; a high, punctuated by a stressfullow awaiting the response. They become faster. It has the quality of shared, separate electroshock therapy or cardiac paddles thatshock. It builds, the separation fuelling it.

Eventually, Tris has snuck into her room and he watches her committedly typing out a message to him with affection. He receives itsilently, and, unseen, sends her another. She leaps to the phone.

Slowly, she turns round to see him.

Connie          You shouldn’t be here.

 

Tristan          I know.

 

Connie          How are you feeling?

 

Tristan          I feel. Full. I feel almost … holy. Like life is paying attention to me.

I don’t want to tell you anything about what I feelabout you and what’s just hit me about how I feel about you … because it’s not fair when you’re … I want to be good foryou.

 

Connie          You’re sweating.

 

Tristan          It’s hot.

 

Connie          I’m cold.

 

Tristan          (touching his sweat)

God.

She touches his sweat from him.

Beat.

How do you feel?

 

Connie          Bursting. I can’t stop it. Something’s in me but it’s like it’s come from outside of me. Like having the weather inside.

 

Tristan          I do too.

 

Connie          Do you? Really?

 

Tristan          Yeah, I’m just not fighting it.

 

Connie          Tristan?

 

Tristan          Yeah?

 

Connie          Do you feel different?

 

Tristan          Yeah. No. I just feel … happy.

Tension. Sexual.

I’m not going to take advantage of you.

 

Connie          I think I’m going to take advantage of you.

 

Tristan          I think I’m in love.

 

Connie          Yeah. Are you?

 

Tristan          Maybe you are too.

 

Connie          Maybe. I’m not sure what it is.

 

Tristan          I feel it really though.

 

Connie          Do you? Yes.

 

Tristan          Don’t you?

 

Connie          Oh god. I don’t know.

 

Tristan          If you’re in love there’s nothing you can do about it.

 

Connie          But if it’s something else, something else controlling me —

 

Tristan          Then you’re not in control.

 

Connie          Yes.

 

Tristan          Yes.

 

Connie          There’s nothing I can do about it.

 

Tristan          Yes.

 

Beat.

Connie          I’m in love.

 

Tristan          Yes.

 

Connie          That’s such a relief.

 

They rip off the telemetry boxes they are wearing to measure their heart rate. They make love.

Darkness.

Light. Connie and Tristan.

Connie          Our dog used to have seizures. My parent’s dog. It’s very upsetting. I mean, not when you talk about it, it seemslike a joke — ‘My dog’s got epilepsy.’ ‘Really? How does he smell?’ ‘Awful, he pisses himself, and the carpet, it’s a realproblem.’

 

Darkness.

Light.

Connie          is hitting Tristan with his own hand.

Connie          What are you hitting yourself for? What are you hitting yourself for?

 

Tristan          I want you to hit me.

 

Connie          Why?

 

Tristan          Cos then I can show how much I don’t mind.

 

Darkness.

Light.

Tristan          squeezes a spot on Connie until it bursts.

Darkness.

Light.

Tristan          Like what?!

 

Connie          I don’t know like, anything, I think I say … I think I say ‘everything’s going to be fine’. Do I?

 

Tristan          Whilst you’re weeing?

 

Connie          No, before, to make myself. I don’t know.

 

Tristan          Why? Out loud?

 

Connie          Yeah. Quietly. ‘Everything’s going to be fine.’ Like a distraction so I can … ‘Everything’s fine.’ Yes, ‘Everything’sfine.’

 

Tristan          Are you going to make yourself wee?

 

Connie          No!

 

He kisses her hand.

Darkness.

Light.

Tristan          Where will we live?

 

Connie          Paris, New York. A farm. Anywhere.

 

Tristan          I’m opening a dry cleaners.

 

Darkness.

Light.

They look directly at each other, look away, look back.

Darkness.

Light.

Tristan          I know they don’t want to see me. You know I hear that from people. And I can’t say it’s not mutual. But you know Iwould have settled. I would have — I was okay being a disappointment. And be alright with that. I was happy to be anacceptable failure.

 

Darkness.

Light.

Connie          and Tristan are making love face to face.

Connie          Ask me who’s in charge.

 

Tristan          What?

 

Connie          Ask me who’s in charge.

 

Tristan          Who’s in charge?

 

Connie          You are.

 

Darkness.

In the darkness.

Connie          / TristanI / I love you.

 

End Experiment Here.

Wait fifteen minutes.

Begin Again.

Dr James       holding a variety of tampons in her hands, mostly small white non-applicator bullets. Connie comes in and choosesbetween them, slightly shyly. She takes one.

Dr James       (You can take more than one.)

 

Connie          takes a couple more.

Dr James       I’m sorry I can’t give you any painkillers.

 

Connie          I don’t need any. It’s just early, I think.

 

Dr James       pockets the surplus.

Dr James       I’m sorry if I was a bit firm the other night.

 

Connie          No, we were out of order. Sorry. It’s weird. You don’t get told off very much as an adult it’s —

 

Dr James       Shame’s a very powerful emotion.

 

Connie          And it feels like everything I feel is heightened anyway …

 

Dr James       So. It seems your telemetry box must have come off last night while you were in bed.

 

Beat.

Connie          Oh, yeah, did it?

 

Dr James       But then you must have put it back on.

 

Connie          That’s right.

 

Dr James       It’s best to reattach it before you drift off, when you’re comfortable.

 

Connie          Okay.

 

Dr James       K. It was exactly the same time as Tristan’s did too.

 

Connie          Oh.

 

Dr James       It seems I’m missing eight hours of each of your hearts.

 

Pause. Breathing.

Dr James       / Connie.

 

Connie          / That’s weird.

 

Beat.

Connie          Sorry.

 

Dr James       What is it you’re sorry about?

 

Connie          Nothing, actually. I wanted to see if he was alright, he was ill, we’ve both been feeling pretty dodgy —

 

Dr James       How do you know he was feeling ill?

 

Connie          How do I know?

 

Dr James       How did you know?

 

Connie          Text.

 

Dr James       He texted you on a phone?

 

Connie          Yes.

 

Dr James       You know phones are banned, they interfere with the equipment.

 

Connie          I know.

 

Beat.

Connie          How?

 

Dr James       Sorry?

 

Connie          How do they?

 

Dr James       The signal they give off.

 

Connie          What though?

 

Dr James       It … interferes with medical electronic devices.

 

Connie          It doesn’t seem like that can be true though, people would be dying everywhere wouldn’t they?

 

Dr James       Have you had sex? I need you to be honest with me.

 

Beat. Connie makes a sound of discomfort.

Dr James       Just answer the question, medically! Have you had sex in the last twenty-four hours?

 

Connie          Yes. But none of it went, where it would have to go.

 

Dr James       He didn’t ejaculate inside you?

 

Connie          Oh god! No! Don’t write a sonnet about it.

 

Dr James       You know that’s no protection against anything. There’s still all sorts of risk.

 

Connie          Really? Or is that like the way phones interfere with the equipment?

 

Beat.

Dr James       You know you’re going to have to leave.

 

Connie          Fine. Chuck us off. Least then I’ll know.

 

Dr James       Not you both. You.

 

Connie          Why?

 

Dr James       Because Twinkle over there doesn’t have a womb.

 

Connie          That doesn’t seem fair — We didn’t really. I’m sorry. We were just messing about. There isn’t any risk of anything.

 

Dr James       I’m not your sex education teacher, Connie. I’m trying to run a trial, which you’ve put into jeopardy.

 

Connie          I understand there’s a leasing of bodies involved here, but you can’t expect to police how we feel.

 

Dr James       That is exactly my role. You’re vulnerable. The drug is designed to stimulate transmitters that are linked to poordecision-making and risk-taking —

 

Connie          You can’t give us something that causes poor decisions and risks then have a go at us for … taking risks and makingbad decisions!

 

Dr James       … Okay, but you have to take some responsibility. You don’t know what you feel.

 

Connie          I know and it’s horrible!

 

Dr James       This has to stop.

 

Connie          I think only one of us is on the drug, the way you give them out and the way I feel today I think he is and I’m not.

 

Dr James       During all trials someone has to be on placebo, to compare to, a control.

 

Connie          But if I’m on a placebo, he’s saying all this stuff, I can’t believe him. It’s driving me mad!

 

Dr James       That’s exactly why you shouldn’t be involved.

 

Connie          I can’t help the way I feel!

 

Dr James       But you can help the way you’re behaving.

 

Connie          I think I might be in love with him! You have to tell me.

 

Dr James       I can’t give you any information. It compromises the trial.

 

Connie          You’re doing this whole trial to help people who are unhappy, aren’t you, and it’s making me desperately unhappyand you don’t want to help me!

 

Dr James       Of course I do —

 

Connie          I’ll just tell Tristan we both have to leave and then … then —

 

Beat.

Dr James       Is that what you want to do?

 

Beat.

Connie          At home in real life. I have a boyfriend.

 

Dr James       Right.

 

Connie          And I do love him I think. But if I did why would I —? I keep thinking is this real, or is that … real?

 

Dr James       I can’t help you with that.

 

Connie          Why? Aren’t you a psychiatrist?

 

Dr James       I’m a person(!)

 

Connie          Talk to me like a person then.

 

Dr James       Okay … (?)

 

Connie          I thought I was happy and now I see I was terribly unhappy and I can’t work out what’s changed.

 

Beat.

Dr James       I was having a tough time, quite a few years ago. I’d broken up from a long relationship I’d been in forever andthat was a big decision and I’d lost a parent after a long … time. And I was supposed to be going away for work, aconference, but I didn’t know if I could, I’m afraid of flying and I nearly didn’t make it. But I did, and that week turned out tobe one of the best weeks of my life. Professionally and just, in terms of … fun and new horizons. I met lots of interestingpeople and got very — you know it was good. And I got on very well with one guy there who was great and funny and aforce of real joy in the room. Even though I was a mess — and well he was married — but it was one of those chanceencounters that give you hope, because you think god, there are great people out there and they seem to think I’m greatand … It felt like — beginnings, you know. So on the flight back I was sat next to another doctor, a woman, and sherecognised me and we talked and she knew this guy and she said, oh you didn’t sleep with him did you? And I say no why?!(She indicates through mouthing it and physicality that actually she did.)

So apparently he really puts it around, he’s thisnotorious shagabout on the conference circuit and younger, less astute girls would, you know. And it was strange because itwasn’t till then — … As we flew back I sort of felt something dissolve, in the jet stream, like something got eroded down.And by the time I got back it was dark.

 

Connie          I’m sorry.

 

Dr James       No(!)

 

Connie          Tristan’s not like that.

 

Dr James       Of course not.

 

Connie          Please. Just tell me.

 

Dr James       He’s not on the drug. Tristan’s on a placebo.

 

Connie          Oh. Okay.

 

Dr James       You see?

 

Connie          Right.

 

Dr James       So he’s vulnerable in a different way.

 

Connie          Is that okay? To lie to him like that?

 

Dr James       It’s essential. We do it all the time. In hospital, when a patient cries out in the night they’ve probably had all theirmorphine but we inject them with saline instead. And it helps.

 

Connie          Really?

 

Dr James       Oh yes. The history of medicine is mostly just the history of placebo, since we know now almost none of itworked.

 

Beat.

Connie          Gosh. My head.

 

Dr James       Are you okay? Your blood pressure’s low.

 

Connie          Maybe I could just stay on it forever? No. I know, I’m joking.

It has to stop, doesn’t it.

 

Dr James       It has to stop. We’re scheduled to increase dosage again today. I hope you’re happy to stay.

 

Tristan          Something’s not right, I can feel it.

 

Dr James       Not right in what way?

 

Tristan          I’m fucking streaming here.

 

Dr James       Your eyes are watering?

 

Tristan          That’s not the fucking worst of it.

 

Dr James       Is that an emotional response?

 

Tristan          Like what?

 

Dr James       Is it linked to how you feel?

 

Tristan          Like crying? I don’t know.

 

Dr James       Are you upset?

 

Tristan          I’m upset cos my eyes won’t stop watering.

 

Dr James       Do you want me to get you a drink?

 

Tristan          (paranoid)

Are you trying to leave to talk to somebody?

 

Dr James       No.

 

Tristan          Okay. Okay.

 

Beat. He releases tension by a moment of air boxing or twitching or something similar. He’s high energy and tense.

Tristan          Why’s Connie pissed off with me?

 

Dr James       I don’t know that she is. I want to focus on the physical.

 

Tristan          I’m shaking like a leaf, I feel on the edge of a heart attack —

 

Dr James       Really.

 

Tristan          Yeah and, are you not interested?

 

Dr James       Of course I’m interested.

 

Tristan          Can I say anything?

 

Dr James       You can. You’re completely safe.

 

Tristan          Quite intense thoughts. You know. Bit much.

 

Dr James       Intrusive —

 

Tristan          Yup. A lot of. Sexual. You know.

 

Dr James       Okay. Well. I wonder why that might be.

 

Tristan          Normally it’s graphic, but this is … quite angry.

 

Dr James       Right.

 

Tristan          What do you give a shit. Sorry(!) No actually screw it, this is your drug I’m living. I’m supposed to tell you. Deal withit.

 

Dr James       Okay —

 

Tristan          ‘Okay’.

 

Dr James       Is it not okay?

 

Tristan          No, just, I tell you that and you’re like, ‘Okay’. Feels like, I don’t know, like that joke, what’s that joke, that guy in adoctor’s office and he’s showing him those ink blot things and he says, ‘that’s some people fucking’ and he shows him thenext one and he says, ‘that’s more fucking’ then he shows him another one and he says, ‘God that’s extreme fuckingfucking’. And the doctor says, ‘Do you ever think you might have a sexual problem?’ And your man goes, ‘Hey, Doc, you’rethe one with the dirty pictures.’

 

Beat.

Dr James       You know humour is a great way of disguising hostility.

 

Beat.

He makes a noise to scare her. Again half-joke, half-aggression.

Tristan          That’s it not disguised, is that better? I miss Connie. I miss her mouth.

 

Dr James       What about physical symptoms?

 

Tristan          You put a bunch of guys in a ward for weeks, did no one think of this? Did no one think that was going to be anissue? We should have a room or something? This is a physical thing, it’s nothing to be ashamed of!

 

Dr James       Are you talking about sex?

 

Tristan          I’m talking about relief, yeah.

 

Dr James       Is that how you see Connie?

 

Tristan          What?! No! I’m not talking a/bout that —!

 

Dr James       / Because I suppose generally I assumed the showers.

 

Tristan          Well you’d be right. I’m just making a point.

 

Dr James       You know she’s in a relationship.

 

He is wounded by this and made angry.

Tristan          Yeah I know what the fuck’s it to you?!

 

Dr James       Do you want to take a break and do this later?

 

Tristan          Not particularly, not fucking particularly.

 

Dr James       Okay.

 

Tristan          Why are you looking at me like that?

 

Dr James       I’m just noting your agitation. Is there anything else to report?

 

Tristan          No. Yeah. Why I was —. Look. Even if I have sexual thoughts, and I am, there’s no reaction, downstairs. Nothing’shappening.

 

Dr James       Right. Are you talking about temporary impotence?

 

Tristan          Well I hope it’s fucking temporary. You don’t want to get sued.

 

Dr James       For how long?

 

Tristan          Today and last night?

 

Dr James       Just today?

 

Tristan          That’s not normal for me, okay? I know my body.

 

Dr James       I’m sure.

 

Tristan          Something’s wrong.

 

Dr James       That must be worrying.

 

Tristan          Yeah.

 

Dr James       Are you worried something’s damaged?

 

Tristan          Yeah.

But you can’t look at that, can you?

 

Dr James       Because I’m a woman?

 

Tristan          No because you’re not a doctor like that.

 

Dr James       Psychiatrists are doctors. We go to medical school and everything.

 

Tristan          Oh right.

 

Dr James       It probably isn’t physical.

 

Tristan          I kind of hope it is physical. At least then it’s sortable.

 

Beat.

Dr James       Do you want me to —

 

Tristan          Are you going to have a look?

 

Dr James       Are you happy for me to?

 

Tristan          Yeah. Delighted. Fuck it. Yeah.

 

She puts on gloves.

Dr James       Okay, do you want to just get yourself ready.

 

He opens his flies. She examines him.

Dr James       It can be easier to think it’s some curable physical ailment because that makes things … simpler. But often it’sabout something else.

 

Eventually she turns away.

Dr James       I doubt very much it’s physical. You can go back to the rec room.

 

She takes her gloves off forcefully.

Connie          arrives just in time to see him doing himself up.

DOSAGE INCREASE:150mg

Tristan          , delighted to see Connie, takes his and makes a face at Connie, goofing around.

Connie          sees but deliberately ignores him, perturbed, and takes hers, now aware of the difference between them.

Tristan          senses her coldness and it distresses him.

He hugs her. They kiss and she pulls away.

Connie          No.

 

Tristan          What?

 

Connie          Just. Wait. Maybe we should wait till we know more, how we feel.

 

Tristan          I know how I feel.

 

Connie          I don’t.

 

Tristan          Why?!

 

Connie          Don’t be angry.

 

Tristan          Don’t tell me what to/ — (feel)

 

Connie          / Sorry. Be what you like.

 

Tristan          It’s not going to change, the way I feel, Con —

 

Connie          But what if it fades … or worse, for one of us and not the other.

 

Tristan          That’s the risk!

 

Connie          I just want it to be fair.

 

Tristan          Fair? What is it? Is this about him? Have you talked to him?

 

Connie          No.

 

Tristan          Do you love him?

 

Connie          It’s not hard to love someone, Tris.

 

Tristan          It shouldn’t be.

 

Connie          It makes people do mad shit too, you know? It makes them try and top themselves, or lie over and over.

 

Tristan          Love?

 

Connie          Don’t look at me like that I know you think I’m talking shit.

 

Tristan          No I don’t. I know what you’re saying. Like people’s kids.

 

Connie          What?

 

Tristan          Loving their kids. Get ’em work experience so they get a job, get ’em a car, a degree. I love my kids, who cares ifthey’re assholes or lazy, fuck everyone else’s kids. I love my kids. So. Much. Love.

 

She frowns, amused.

Connie          Yeah(!)

 

Tristan          Fuck love.

 

Connie          Yeah, fuck love(!)

 

Tristan          So let’s fuck love together.

 

He tries to be physical again.

Connie          No.

 

Tristan          No?

 

Connie          I’m just trying to keep this safe.

 

Tristan          Safe? Are you frightened of me now?

 

Connie          No. Why, should I be?

 

Tristan          Yeah I’m a fucking monster. Just say what you mean.

 

Connie          I am. I’m saying no.

 

Tristan          To what?

 

Connie          I’m in a relationship and you’re clearly not a relationship kind of guy —

 

Tristan          Where did that come from?!

 

Connie          You’re a flirty, you know, bit of a player type —

 

Tristan          No I’m not!

 

Connie          I’ve seen you be like that! I’ve seen you flirt with the doctor for god’s sake.

 

Tristan          Are you joking? Christ Connie, she’s nearly fifty!

 

Connie          I know. What are you saying women can’t be attractive in their forties?!

 

Tristan          No, I’m the one that’s been flirting with her apparently! … Has she been saying things about me?

 

Connie          No. It’s none of your business.

 

Tristan          You’re not telling me something.

 

Connie          You’re being weird.

 

Tristan          You’re lying.

 

Connie          I haven’t said anything, how can I be lying?!

 

Tristan          By not telling me stuff.

 

Connie          There’s loads of stuff I’m not telling you all the time, otherwise it would be unbearable!

 

Tristan          That’s exactly the sort of thing people say when they’re lying.

 

Her hair comes out in her hands.

Tristan          Why are you doing that with your hair?

 

Connie          My hair’s coming out.

 

Tristan          Mine’s coming out too.

 

Connie          Yeah but not because of the drug.

 

Tristan          Fuck you.

 

Connie          I didn’t mean that!

 

Tristan          Tell me what’s going on!

 

Connie          Nothing! I don’t have to tell you everything you know. We’re not going out.

 

Tristan          I’m starting to thank fuck. Just don’t rewrite what’s happened. / Don’t make out I’m —

 

Connie          / I’m not! What do you care? That’s in the past anyway. I thought you wanted to live now?

 

Tristan          I want you to live now. You’re always talking about what happens afterwards or how we got here, tell me what youfeel now?

 

Connie          It doesn’t matter what I feel, what does it matter with / everything?!

 

Tristan          / Because I’m asking you!

 

Connie          I don’t know!

 

Tristan          You’re so scared. Why are you so scared all the time?! It’s like being with an old woman, ‘What might go wrongthough?!’

 

Connie          This is my life!

 

Tristan          Exactly!

 

Connie          You don’t care do you?

 

Tristan          Course I do.

 

Connie          Because you just want it NOW. You know maybe you should start thinking about the future a bit.

 

Tristan          What?!

 

Connie          You’re not exactly on a gap year are you, Tris. It’s become a sort of gap life.

 

Tristan          That’s a horrible thing to say.

 

Connie          Then don’t say I’m boring just cos I’m not giving you what you want!

 

Tristan          Are you saying I’m not good enough for you?

 

Connie          No I’m saying sort yourself / out first

 

Tristan          / I’m punching above my weight?

 

Connie          — before you make out I’m a coward. I’m happy with my life.

 

Tristan          Ha! Yeah course you are, you look happy, you look fucking delighted!

 

Connie          You’ve got no idea how I feel.

 

Tristan          TELL ME!

 

Connie          You’re like a child.

 

Tristan          I’m fine for a quick fuck but secretly you want the older, duller man who’s gonna provide and bring some cash to thefucking table?

 

Connie          Oh my god /

 

Tristan          That’s basically what you said —

 

Connie          / what are we even talking about?

 

Tristan          Gap life!

 

Connie          I’m the one that’s sat there and watched you do your cheeky twinkly stuff with Dr James and you were a bit of asleaze with me before you even knew me what am I supposed to think?!

 

Tristan          I don’t — You’re the one in a relationship, as you keep going on / about

 

Connie          You go on about it!

 

Tristan          — I’m allowed! I can do what I like!

 

Connie          Oh so I’m a slag now?

 

Tristan          No! Put away your paranoia, love.

 

Connie          Don’t call me love. It’s so tacky.

 

Beat.

Tristan          Connie. Con. Come on. Kiss and make up.

 

Connie          No, I feel sick.

 

Tristan          I make you sick(?)

 

Connie          I didn’t say that. I’m not going to kiss you. I don’t want to be sick on you.

 

Tristan          I don’t care. Be sick in my mouth. I’ll eat it up.

 

Connie          God(!)

 

Tristan          What?

 

Connie          I said I feel sick!

 

Tristan          Am I a bit coarse for you? Is that it? Are you used to something more refined? Some wine-drinking chino-wearingcunt?

 

Connie          You don’t get to talk about him, you understand? You don’t get to.

 

Tristan          I wasn’t! Is that what he’s like! Came to mind pretty fast!

 

Connie          You keep shaking up my view of him and I think it’s manipulative —

 

Tristan          Of course it’s fucking manipulative!

 

Connie          You’ve never met him!

 

Tristan          That’s why it’s easy to slag him off! Come on, it’s a joke!

 

Connie          It’s a joke. Your way of getting out of everything. It’s a joke. So not only am I a slag I’ve got no sense of humour.

 

Tristan          You’re doing my head in!

 

Connie          Everything I’m saying makes sense, until it gets over there, if there’s a problem it’s with you understanding!

 

She makes a gesture of his stupidity. He roars at her.

Connie          What do you want to happen? I mean, really?

 

Tristan          I’ll tell you what I want. I don’t want to reason with you. I want to know right now, in this moment, what you feel.

 

Beat.

Connie          I. I feel. Oh god. I think I don’t love you the way that you love me.

Ow. Pause.

 

Tristan          Right. Well you want me to look into the future. Fine. Go home.

Stay with him for two years longer than you should,out of guilt for him having left his wife and kid for you —

 

Connie          He didn’t —

 

Tristan          Tell yourself you’ve invested so much now and it was nothing with me and you’re getting rougher-looking while he’sstaying the same and he’s a good dad and before you know it you’re forty-five, fucked and caring for some old cunt withcancer.

 

Connie          bends double with the pain of it.

Connie          I hate you.

 

Tristan          Have you been calling / him?

 

Connie          / I physically hate you.

 

Tristan          — telling him everything’s fine, you miss him. Have you used my fucking phone to do that?!

 

Connie          You gave it to me.

 

Tristan          Give it to me.

 

Connie          I don’t have it.

 

Tristan          You’re a liar.

 

Connie          (You’re scaring me.)

 

During this, there’s a tussle. He gets the phone and practisedly looks through it. He throws it on the floor and smashes it.

Beat.

Connie          (cold)

You just broke your own phone you stupid Irish cunt.

 

They physically fight. She ends up getting hurt and this becomes clear.

Connie          Stop. Tris.

 

He sees she is bleeding. She sees she is bleeding. To him it is a tragedy, to her it is a triumph.

He backs away, in distress. Then to her, in sorrow.

Tristan          I’m sorry. Sorry.

It’s the drugs.

 

Connie          Now it is?!

 

Tristan          (crying)

I’m losing it.

 

Connie          Stop it.

 

Tristan          I can’t handle it.

 

Connie          You’re not even on the drug, Tristan.

 

Tristan          I’m having a whitey.

 

He seems about to be sick.

Connie          You’re on a placebo, Tristan, you’re not on the drug. She told me. This is all just you.

 

His body tries to absorb the information. He sinks with the news.

Eventually …

Connie          Tris?

 

No response.

Connie          Tris?

 

A man in a doorway. His shoulders heave with breathing. He shines with sweat. His light clothing seems to be spattered with stainsof dark blood.

It’s Toby. The stains are paint.

Toby              What happened?

 

Dr James       Hello.

 

Toby              I drove here from Kent. What happened?

 

Dr James       What’s on you?

 

Toby              Paintballing. I was having a weekend with the boys.

 

Dr James       Sorry.

 

Toby              What is it? I left my kids in a wood.

 

Dr James       I feel something’s very very wrong.

 

Toby              … Okay.

 

Dr James       I think we should exclude one of the volunteers from the trial. A boy, a guy, the man who’s on placebo in fact.He’s not dealing with the environment. He’s shown aggression and instability, now he’s not eating. In any other environmentI’d be worried for his mental health.

 

Toby              They’ve been in a sealed ward for weeks now, anyone would get frustrated —

 

Dr James       It may be linked to his relationship with the other volunteer.

 

Toby              In which case, there’s only one dosage left, surely scuppering the trial —

 

Dr James       It’s not going to scupper the trial, removing one control subject —

 

Toby              What physical symptoms have you observed?

 

Dr James       It doesn’t matter does it, he’s clean. Aggression, irritability, hyperactivity, increased EBR —

 

Toby              Oh come on, blinking, we can deal with extra blinking, can’t we?

 

Dr James       It doesn’t make any sense.

 

Toby              We have a duty of care to him at this stage.

 

Dr James       We can just discharge him today — !

 

Toby              That’s not appropriate.

 

Dr James       I’m used to helping people, you know, not putting them in a situation which distresses them. I don’t think I can dothis.

 

Toby              Yes you can.

 

Dr James       Is it me? I’m terrified it’s me. Have I done something? The boy has stats off the chart and high risk symptoms buthe’s clean. It doesn’t make any sense.

 

Toby              Okay, Lorna. Calm down. This isn’t what you think. He is a test subject. His symptoms are relevant. And we need tomonitor him as such.

 

Dr James       I give out the pills, Toby, I know he’s / (on placebo) —

 

Toby              / You don’t know what you’re giving out. They’re active agent just packaged differently. Deliberately. He’s on thedrug. We’re testing practitioner bias, alongside. As well. That’s what we do sometimes to see if there’s a difference in whatyou report, according to what you think they’re being given.

 

Dr James       You’re testing me?!

 

Toby              It’s not un/ usual —

 

Dr James       You’re testing me!

 

Toby              I know how you feel about all this and I still got you the position here, because I know you’re a / good doctor.

 

Dr James       / Oh god okay, I’m grateful. Thank you Mr Rauschen, thank you for picking me up off the street in your limo onthe way to the next expo —

 

Toby              All we’re doing is monitoring you for practitioner bias which we often do with new recruits —

 

Dr James       Bullshit!

 

Toby              — in key areas, and I know you’re feeling exposed —

 

Dr James       You lied.

 

Toby              — or confused and you know that’s an irrational response.

 

Dr James       I thought I was losing it! That’s why you’re testing me isn’t it?

So our volunteer is being medicated with powerfulpsychiatric drugs and I’m telling you they cause aggressive behaviour and paranoia, it’s dangerous to continue.

 

Toby              We don’t know that’s the drug! You just said, you said yourself it’s clearly about the relationship with this girl! I’m notclosing down a whole trial because of a lovers’ tiff!

 

Dr James       You were happy to attribute it all to the drugs when you thought the effects were positive!

 

Toby              And you’re only prepared to accept it’s the drug if the effects are negative!

 

Dr James       This can’t be pulled apart. We’re kidding ourselves to think it can.

 

Toby              This is why we do trials! We’re here to record side effects and if aggression is a side effect, we’ll note it.

 

Dr James       They’re not side effects, Toby, they’re just effects you can’t sell.

 

Toby              God you make the air taste bitter, Lorna.

 

Dr James       I wouldn’t mind being (monitored) — if I thought you took any … of your own fucking agenda and … If you tookany responsibility for that …

 

Toby              I don’t know what you mean. I’m doing my job.

 

Dr James       I’ve seen you hold that brain and fleece them for money. But somehow I’m the one that’s biased —(!)

 

Toby              You sound it, you sound paranoid, listen to yourself. You’ve spent this whole time refusing to accept that the drugshave any effect, until you think there’s something damaging!

 

Dr James       While you just claim positive effect whatever, or just publish trials with the results you like! But apparently you’reunbiased and I’m … What?

 

Toby              You are a good doctor, who suffers from profound depressive episodes which she refuses to medicate. And you’redesperate for any evidence that supports that position.

 

Beat.

Dr James       (They don’t work.)

 

Toby              Pardon?

 

Dr James       They don’t.

 

Toby              How would you know?

 

Dr James       There’s no real evidence for the efficacy of anti-depressants, there never has been. Everyone who knows, knowsthis has been the biggest disaster in the history of medicine!

 

Toby              Nonsense. Fifty to sixty per cent of people improve on anti-depressants.

 

Dr James       In the short term!

 

Toby              If you’re going to kill yourself tomorrow, what do you care if it’s short-term or not?

 

Dr James       We’re only just finding out what happens in the long term! People stay on them for life not because they’re ill butbecause the withdrawal is terrible!

 

Toby              Don’t hide behind this fashionable trashing of it all. Every time you have an episode, every time, the brain is alteredand makes the next one longer and deeper. The sooner you start to medicate, the more you protect yourself. You couldhave done that —

 

Dr James       Without even knowing what causes it?

 

Toby              We know what causes it, mostly.

 

Dr James       No you don’t! You ask anyone on the street what causes depression they’ll say chemical imbalance, despite totallack of evidence. Even GPs will. Because you spend more on marketing than research.

 

Toby              Of course we spend money on marketing, we sell things! You sound like a teenager on a website. I’d love it ifsomeone independent did the research, that’d be peachy, but governments turned that over to us because they couldn’tfind the money.

 

Dr James       There were forty million AD prescriptions in this country last year, you really think all those people are depressed?

 

Toby              Yes, Lorna, I think forty million people were depressed and they each got one prescription(!)

 

Dr James       You know now we’re treating the bereaved and children and people in bad relationships —

 

Toby              Who are you to say who is and isn’t ill there? A bereavement can be ruinous to someone prone to depressiveepisodes, you should know.

 

Dr James       But it’s mostly placebo effect!

 

Toby              There’s no such thing as placebo effect when it comes to depression, if it works it works!

 

Dr James       Thank you! So it’s just easier for us to think of ourselves as ill and easier for you to sell your pills, so everyone’shappy but no one’s actually happy.

 

Toby              I work for Rauschen, okay, but you know what the side effect of my job is, people live. This isn’t big tobacco. It’s noteven like a normal job where the side effect is … I don’t know, traffic. The side effect of my job is people live and they livebetter lives.

 

Dr James       Every study, every test shows that so-called ‘depressed’ people have a more accurate view of the world, a morerealistic view of themselves and the future —

 

Toby              In mild and moderate depression, yes.

 

Dr James       Who are the vast majority being medicated! We’re not deluded, we’ve just lost a delusion that makes us ‘normal’!Millions of people believing they have a disease of the brain that can be cured. And no one’s allowed to say differentbecause of your lot. And because it might ‘upset depressed people’. Which is sort of, bolting the door after the horse has,you know.

 

Toby              In ten years we’ll have a blood test for depression. We’ll have a biomarker and a cure. The stigma will be over.

 

Dr James       You’ll never have your biomarker. It isn’t like that.

 

Toby              This is why I get annoyed, Lorna. You cling to the mystery. You celebrate it, almost.

 

Dr James       I do what?!

 

Toby              You don’t want it to be curable, you want to make it grand and tragic, it doesn’t have to be.

 

Dr James       You think I like it! You think I like being terrified of getting in the shower? Bones feeling like they’re dissolving andthrowing up every morning? Or knowing I would never have kids because I couldn’t ever ever risk they might spend one dayin their life feeling the way I feel!

 

Toby              Because you fear it might be genetic. I understand. Or I try to. It doesn’t make it less to accept it’s chemical. It helpsmost people. You know, I love my kids, that’s just biological, and it’s everything. God knows I wouldn’t love them if theyweren’t mine. If I just met them … I don’t know how that would happen —(!)

 

Dr James       Say I’m mad if you like. But don’t say I’ve got a disease. I don’t believe you.

 

Toby              Call it what you like, just don’t let it define you.

 

Dr James       It’s not an it, we’re talking about me. You want to cut a part of me out and call yourself a hero.

 

Toby              All I’ve ever wanted is to help you.

 

Dr James       I don’t want your help!

 

Toby              I know and it’s infuriating!

 

Beat.

Dr James       I’m not even sure you really believe all that. I swear Toby we’re going to look back at all this chemical imbalanceshit like it’s the four humours all over again. I mean, why am I here?

 

Toby              What, here?

 

Dr James       Yes. Why would you offer me work? This isn’t what I do. I sit with people, I talk to them, I —

 

Toby              I want to help.

 

Dr James       Yeah but why? You see, I wonder if you feel guilty.

 

Toby              About you?

 

Dr James       Yes.

 

Toby              Not particularly.

 

Dr James       Not particularly?

 

Toby              Is this what we should be talking about now?

 

Dr James       I don’t know. What do you think?

 

Toby              Are you saying you think I caused it?

 

Dr James       If you think you caused it then you would have to think on some level, that it isn’t purely biological. Maybe it’syou who needs it to be tiny and controllable. Maybe it makes you feel better to think that.

 

Toby              I don’t think I caused it, Lorna.

 

Dr James       Then why am I here?

 

Toby              You’re a good doctor.

 

Dr James       Then why are you testing me?

 

Beat.

Toby              I didn’t cause it and it’s a cruel thing to say.

 

Dr James       I didn’t say it. You did. You seem upset.

 

Toby              Just —

 

Dr James       It was years ago.

 

Toby              I know.

 

Dr James       And I’ve had what you’d call episodes since then.

 

Toby              I know.

 

Dr James       So why do you feel so bad? Look at me. It’s not your fault, Toby. In the mountain of shit the world dumped on methat year, the dump you took was minor. It was barely a contributor. It could have been anything or anyone. So don’t youmake it into some big thing.

 

Beat.

Toby              I don’t think I caused your depression, by ending things, Lorna. I don’t think I contributed even. But maybe, maybe Ithink I ended it because of your depression.

 

Dr James       Right.

 

Toby              And maybe that’s worse.

 

Dr James       No. Just sad.

And are you happy now?

 

Toby              Well not right now, but yes.

 

Dr James       So.

And how old is she, this new one?

 

Toby              What does that have to do with anything?

 

Dr James       Just wondering. Twenty-eight? Twenty-nine? You’re so keen to make me a prisoner of my insides. What aboutyou? Her clear skin to indicate lack of disease? Waist not yet travelled up to her tits? All the signs of the fertility, that youdon’t actually want? We’re all just walking examples of a biological fact, Toby. Everything you feel and think you feel is justyour brain explaining away the awful simplicity of your body. But you’ll be forever safe from realising that because if yourbrain were simple enough for you to understand. You would be too simple to understand it. Do you understand?

 

Toby              You’re ill, Lorn. Please.

 

Dr James       I’m not though.

 

Toby              My choices, or biology, or whatever, don’t cause me suffering.

 

Dr James       No, only others. So you’ll be fine. You’ll do fine.

 

Pause.

Toby              It’s entirely within our rights to assess you. It was never an indication of any lack of faith.

 

Dr James       All this looking at brains with other brains, like a camera trying to take a photo of itself.

 

Toby              Are you going to finish this? One more dosage, are you going to make it through something? I want you to administerthe trial. I think you can do it. Then we can talk about the future.

 

Dr James       (Fine.)

 

Toby              Have you got something I can wear? Over this.

 

Dr James       You’re joking.

 

Toby              What?

 

She tears off her white coat and throws it at him.

Toby              I didn’t —

 

Dr James       storms off. He puts it on.

Connie          I’m sorry.

 

Tristan          Why didn’t you tell me?

 

Connie          I thought it might upset you. Us being different. Me being …

 

Tristan          Fake. That’s why you went on about it all being fake, cos it was for you?

 

Connie          No!

 

Tristan          Did you know when we went out, to the place —

 

Connie          No, I didn’t, I didn’t then. I promise.

 

Tristan          I feel like an idiot. I could swear I felt all this … stuff. I’m sure. Was I just making it up?

 

Connie          No!

 

Tristan          But physically, even. I could swear …

I don’t know now.

 

Connie          What don’t you know?

 

Tristan          That all those things were …

 

Connie          Not real?

 

Tristan          I hate that, the way you finish my sentences —

 

Connie          I know, I’m sorry.

 

Tristan          It’s horrible to feel you can’t trust your senses.

 

Connie          I love you. You can feel that(?)

 

Tristan          I don’t know what that means now.

 

Connie          (desperate)

Yes you do.

I wish I could show you inside my brain.

Let’s get the doctors to shrink me down like in thatfilm and they can inject me into you and I’ll wander round then curl up in your heart and I won’t be any trouble. I’ll just livethere and spend your life with you and if you need me that’s where I’ll be.

 

Tristan          This is horrible.

 

Connie          I know. I can’t bear it when you’re sad in case I caused it. And I can’t bear it when you’re happy in case I didn’t.

 

Tristan          Sometimes I think I’ll only be happy when you’re dead.

 

Connie          is appalled.

Dr James       enters and begins preparing doses.

Text Reads:

FINAL DOSAGE, HIGHEST TOLERATION: 250mg single dose

Toby              enters wearing the white coat and observes. Dr James facilitates, resenting Toby’s stare and the drugs themselves.

The final dosages are administered with the usual countdowns. Tristan first.

Dr James       5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

 

Tristan          tosses his dose back with contempt for its nothingness.

Dr James       5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

 

Connie          , anxious, gets given hers. Dr James avoids checking her mouth afterwards as she is glaring at Toby.

In the moment, Connie rushes to Tristan and kisses him full on the mouth.

She’s kept her pill in to transfer to him, which the kiss does. She covers his mouth with her hand to encourage him to swallow.

Connie          (I love you.)

 

He makes the decision to swallow her pill. They look into each other’s eyes.

Dr James       What’s going on, what did you do?

 

Toby              What’s happened?

 

Dr James       (to Tristan)

Show me the inside of your mouth.

 

She checks the inside of his mouth with a light, then his eyes as she sees his pupils are dilating.

Dr James       Is everything okay, Tristan?

 

Toby              Did he take something else?

 

Toby              seeks to intervene, Dr James turns to Connie who is worried they are going to stop him swallowing.

Connie          No, let him!

 

Dr James       Did you give him something else?

 

Toby              Is your name Tristan? I’m Toby. Have you taken anything else?

 

Connie          Leave him alone! Tris, tell them you want it.

 

Tristan          I’m fine.

 

Dr James       How much have you given him?

 

Tristan          Connie?

 

Connie          I’m here.

 

Tristan          You’ve got a … halo …

 

Dr James       Tristan?

 

Tristan          makes a strange sound, he staggers, loses consciousness, falls to the floor, stiffens. His limbs jerk and twitch. His mouthgurns. He is fitting. He bleeds from his mouth and wets himself. It is horrific. Dr James, Connie and Toby compete with caring forhim.

A scuffle.

Connie          withdraws at the close up and puts her hands over her ears briefly in shock then begins tearing at her skin.

Connie          Get it out get it out of me!

 

An alarm and darkness.

Connie          is taken away. Dimly, we make out Tristan undergoing a blood transfusion; washed through with fresh new blood.

Toby              facilitates this. Dr James is left to clean up.

Tristan          is put to bed, alive, resting, recovering. Time passes and crisis dissipates into waiting.

Dr James       has a bucket in which she finds a brain.

Dr James       The first time I saw a human brain it was probably the president’s. Most powerful man in the world. Head in hishands. Pinker than his wife’s dress. Then years later, training. You see it come out of the body. The smell. The skull tends tobe sawn, to reveal the brain. So. You smell sawdust. Brain surgery smells like a barn. So remember that when they claim tobe so advanced. Your mind comes out like a squid, into both hands, soft, slimy, not compact like this, this has beenchemically treated. We are this three-pound lump of jelly. But it’s not necessarily me is it? I want to be happy. I want to workhard. I want to not shout out swear words on the street. I want to sleep. It must know this. It must want that too. If it’s me.But. Here I am, where my father held me on a climbing frame and I can see my shoes on the bar. Here, how much I likemeringue. Here’s my respiration control. Here’s my impulse to kill myself. Here is my controlling that impulse. ‘You’redisgusting. And you’re only going to get more disgusting. It’s too late. This all gets worse and you can’t even cope withnow.’ Shhh. Let’s not. ‘You’re like your mother.’ It’s too hard. Other people manage(!) And still. “You can’t do anything. Youcan’t work, well you could but you’re lazy. This is the best you’re capable of looking now and it’s shit and you’re decaying.Look at your teeth. And everything everyone says about you is right. And you’re weak and you’re a coward and you’veruined people’s lives. And you should have done it a long time ago and you never will now.’ Just put some clothes on andthen we’ll go from there. ‘It would be better.’ Just put on some pants. Then we’ll deal with the next bit. Just do that. ‘Itwould be better just to stop.’ But people love you. ‘No they don’t. Even the people who love you hate you because you’rehurting the person they love.’ Why can’t you stop? Where are you? Where are you?!

 

She tears the brain to pieces with her hands.

Eventually … hazy anaesthetic trauma clears to —

Now it is Tristan in a bed on a drip.

Connie          enters, looks at him. Eventually, he sees her.

Tristan          I’m thirsty. Do you have water?

 

Beat.

She sees there is water, or gets water from her bag.

Connie          Hello.

 

Tristan          What day is it? You look scared. What happened? Is it me? What happened?

 

He touches his face.

Connie          It’s Friday.

 

Tristan          I don’t know anyone. Why am I here? You look frightened? What happened?

 

Connie          You’ve had a blood transfusion. They told me you have something called transient global amnesia.

 

Tristan          Yes. Have I? Yes. Why are you looking at me, am I still me?

 

Connie          Yeah. You just have new blood. It’s okay.

 

He panics.

Tristan          Can I see?

 

Connie          See what?

 

Tristan          I need a mirror.

 

Connie          Oh.

 

She thinks, looks round, scrabbles in bag, opens up a bit of make up with a tiny one, hands it over.

Tristan          stares at bits of his face, waving it around to get sections of face and so a fuller picture. She stares at him.

Tristan          What’s happening? What day is it?

 

Connie          It’s Friday. It’s your birthday. Happy birthday.

 

Tristan          How long have I been here? How is that today? Show me a thing saying that’s today.

 

Connie          The date?

 

Tristan          Yeah.

 

She hunts, comes up with only her phone and shows it to him.

Tristan          You could have changed that.

 

Connie          Why would I do that?

 

Tristan          Have I been asleep then?

 

Connie          You’ve got something called transient global amnesia.

 

Tristan          Yes, I — transient, does that mean —

 

Connie          It’s going to pass. They don’t know when or how long —

 

Tristan          What was I doing before you got here?

 

Connie          I don’t know. I wasn’t here.

 

Tristan          Wait, what day is it?

 

Connie          Friday. It’s your birthday.

 

Tristan          No. Is it? Something else.

 

Connie          That it’s my birthday too. You remember that?

 

Tristan          No. Oh god oh god oh god.

 

He looks at the phone he’s holding. Meaning drains from it.

Tristan          Why have I —? Is this yours?

 

Connie          You don’t know me, do you.

 

He looks at her.

Connie          You’re not retaining any new memories it’s me, you know me, do you know my name?

 

Tristan          I know you. I don’t know who you are but. You’re the person that I know.

 

Connie          How do you feel?

 

Tristan          I’m hungry.

 

There is a tray of food waiting by his bed. Connie takes a yoghurt from it and gives it to him with spoon. His tardive diskinesia(twitching) makes it painful to watch him try and open it. Connie takes it from him and begins to feed him /

Connie          We were on a trial. Do you remember?

 

Tristan          No! I — Just, this is fucking weird! What day is it?

 

Connie          It’s Friday.

 

Tristan          Friday the what?

 

Connie          Your birthday /

 

Tristan          No(!)

You don’t understand, I don’t have any other anything except this in my —

 

Connie          I know it’s okay.

 

Tristan          I’m not being stupid, something awful’s happened, listen, I don’t know where I am!

 

Connie          You’re in the hospital. Do you know what day it is?

 

Tristan          Yes.

 

Connie          It’s okay if you don’t.

 

Tristan          What day is it?

 

Connie          Friday.

 

Tristan          What happened? You’re not going are you? Who are you?

 

Connie          I’m going to feed you this yoghurt right now.

 

Tristan          Okay.

 

Connie          And then we’ll go from there.

 

She continues feeding him.

A glimpse of Dr James who has taken to bed with depression.

Connie          enters, casual, busy. Tristan is in bed. He is alert but blank.

Connie          Hello.

 

Tristan          Hello.

 

Connie          How do you feel?

 

Tristan          I don’t know anybody here. Why am I here?

 

Connie          Shh, it’s okay. I know. I was just here.

 

Tristan          No, you don’t understand, I just woke up! And I don’t know what’s going on !

 

Connie          I know, you’ve got something called transient global amnesia —

 

Tristan          Transient, does that mean —

 

Connie          Yes it’s going to pass.

 

Tristan          What day is it?

 

Connie          It’s Tuesday.

 

Tristan          Is that right?! Show me something, with the date on.

 

Connie          gives him a newspaper, practisedly.

She gets out a mirror, practisedly, he looks at himself.

Tristan          I have to go! I — why am I here?

 

Connie          You’re having trouble remembering, forming new memories.

 

Tristan          Yes. Wait.

Okay. I can’t remember waking up. I know you. Do I?

I’m trying to think the last thing I remember.

 

Connie          That’s okay.

 

Tristan          But I know you.

 

Connie          That’s right, Tris.

 

She begins giving him a bedbath.

Connie          That’s right. Before the seizure. You and me were on a trial. Weeks ago.

 

Tristan          I don’t remember. Do you work here?

 

Connie          No. That’s new, do I work here(!) How do you feel?

 

Tristan          Awful. My balls ache.

 

Connie          I bet they do. You’ve got a stiffy all the time. God knows why.

 

Tristan          I’m scared.

 

Connie          I know.

 

Tristan          I’m hot.

 

Connie          I know.

 

Tristan          I feel sick.

 

Connie          Relax.

 

Tristan          It hurts.

 

She looks around. She touches his erection under the sheets.

Connie          Always. Poor thing.

 

Tristan          Jesus.

 

He sighs, relaxes.

Tristan          I thought you were my sister, maybe. — You’re not, are you? Actually no don’t tell me.

 

Connie          No. I do this most days. I love how you’re funny. I would have thought you needed memory to be funny.

 

She masturbates him.

Tristan          I thought you were here to give me a bath.

 

She pauses.

Connie          Well do you want this or do you want the bath, cos there’s no point giving you the bath first.

 

Tristan          No. This.

 

She pecks him on the cheek. She masturbates him. It’s affectionate but practical. When he’s ejaculated she finishes washing him,and her hand.

Tristan          Am I your boyfriend?

 

Connie          I don’t know, are you?

 

Tristan          I don’t know.

 

Connie          I broke up with my boyfriend.

 

Tristan          I’m sorry. I’m trying to remember the last thing I remember. What day is it?

 

Connie          It’s Sunday.

Do you remember me, Tris?

 

Tristan          You’re who I know.

 

Connie          Yes but who is that?

 

Tristan          I — wait —

 

Connie          How many times d’you think we’ve had this conversation?

 

Tristan          You don’t understand I can’t remember waking up! I wasn’t there! Oh god this is terrible! Get someone, for god’ssake!

 

Connie          We say this every day.

 

Tristan          No!

 

Connie          Yes.

 

Tristan          I can’t remember any of this. What happened?

 

Connie          You had a blood transfusion after a reaction to a drug on a trial. And you have transient global amnesia.

 

Tristan          Transient.

 

Connie          Yes. That means —

 

Tristan          What day is it?

 

Connie          It’s Sunday. How do you feel? Are you thirsty?

 

Tristan          I’m freaked out. I’m trying to think what the last thing I was doing was.

 

Connie          I had a haircut.

 

Tristan          I can’t remember anything.

 

Connie          I know. I’m sorry I was joking.

 

Tristan          What’s going on?

 

Connie          Your name is Tristan. You were on a trial.

 

Tristan          A trial?

 

Connie          A drugs trial?

 

Tristan          What day is it?

 

Connie          Thursday.

 

Tristan          What was I doing just before?

 

Connie          Before I was here?

 

Tristan          Yeah.

 

Connie          I don’t know. I wasn’t here.

 

Tristan          I’m just trying to remember —

 

Connie          I know.

 

Tristan          Something’s really wrong I can’t, there’s nothing going on before this?!

 

Connie          I know.

 

Tristan          What —?

 

Connie          It’s Tuesday.

 

Tristan          What —?

 

Connie          You had a bad reaction on a trial.

 

Tristan          Where?

 

Connie          Hospital. You have something.

 

Tristan          —?

 

Connie          Here.

 

She gives him a mirror.

Connie          Here.

 

She gives him a paper. She gets out a nail file.

He looks baffled.

Connie          This is the day we do your nails.

 

She files his nails.

Tristan          Do I love you … ?

 

Beat.

Connie          I don’t know. Do you?

 

Tristan          I don’t know.

 

Beat. She absorbs this.

Connie          If you’re there. Help me. I don’t care what it was I see that now. I hate my past self so much. She didn’t know. Youwon’t believe me but I would rather get old and argue with you every day than ever love anyone else.

 

Tristan          Why are you sad?

 

Dr James       in a bed.

Toby              enters. He has a cup with pills in it.

Dr James       can’t really respond properly socially. Eye contact and natural limbic response is all gone. Its like she’s elderly andexhausted. All social response and interaction takes effort, which she does her best to provide, and they are received with agrateful understanding for that.

Toby              (joking)

Hey you. Still here I see. Thought you might have made a break for it.

 

Toby              It’s crazy weather today. Can’t decide anything.

 

Toby              They wanted me to bang on at you about the fluoxetine again but I know you hate it and it’s not my favourite eitherto be honest.

 

Toby              Sam sends her love she says. She’s taken the boys to the pub. God help her.

 

Toby              Do you want to know about anything else?

 

Dr James       (What about the boy?)

 

Toby              Well obviously we don’t know what the long-term effects will be yet. Turns out he had history of childhood seizureswhich was undisclosed so that’s … Nothing will be published obviously.

 

She indicates she wants to know about Toby.

Dr James       (What about you?)

 

Toby              Oh I’m okay. Don’t worry. The lecture circuit. Queuing up round the —. And I think now I might finally write that book.

 

Dr James       I’m sorry.

 

Toby              Don’t be sorry.

 

She doesn’t accept this. Beat.

Toby              Wait, I can tell you something about the boy, he’s going home with her, the girl from the trial. He’s still in recovery but…

 

It still hurts her and she blames herself.

Toby              It’s not your fault.

 

Dr James       Sorry I don’t have enough skin.

 

She cries.

Dr James       I just want to go. I want to go.

 

Toby              No no no.

 

Dr James       I’m sorry.

 

Toby              This is a storm. It passes.

 

She doesn’t believe this.

Toby              You were right. I probably wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing if I hadn’t met you. I love you, Lorn. And it’s notromantic cos that’s when lies start and it’s not family, because that’s this wonderful genetic trick. I just. I’ve built a bit of mybrain round you. And it’s important to me. So. Please.

This is too much emotion …

 

Toby              Do you want me to go?

 

She’s emotionally exhausted. She nods.

Toby              I’m coming back tomorrow. I am. I’ve got a thing in the morning but I’ll do my best. Please will you think about thingsfor me?

 

He leaves a cup with drugs in for her.

Around her, but in a different space, Connie and Tristan have been getting his things together to leave his ward. He is okay, butvulnerable, his physicality is of a different man, without some former bounce.

Connie          What else?

 

Tristan          That’s the lot.

 

Connie          Your shoelace.

 

Tristan          It’s alright.

I don’t have any change.

 

Connie          It’s okay, I got a cab. I told you.

 

Tristan          A cab(!) I’d have got the bus.

 

Connie          I know you would. I want a cab. We’ll get cash out on the way. Did I do the drawer?

 

He looks. He’s not sure. She checks.

Connie          I’m really nervous about you seeing it. It’s a shithole.

 

Tristan          What is?

 

Connie          Where we’re going back to. Mine.

 

Tristan          Why?

 

Connie          Because that’s what we’re doing today.

 

They head towards the door.

Connie          Why don’t you just do it up?

 

Tristan          What? It doesn’t matter.

 

She bends down to do his shoelace up. He doesn’t want this and goes to do it himself.

Tristan          Fine.

 

In the bending down/getting up, they bang heads or some part. It should feel as spontaneous and accidental as is possible.

Eventually he does bend down and does the laces.

Tristan          I’m not not doing it up cos I can’t. I honestly couldn’t be arsed.

 

Connie          (during)

(That’s worse)

 

Tristan          (joking)

Oh, will you … (shut up woman)

 

They both smile at his ironic hen-peckedness and she watches him affectionately as he concentrates. It takes him longer to do thanit should an adult, but eventually he does.

He finishes.

Tristan          Is it cold?

 

Connie          It’s coldish.

 

He adjusts some clothing appropriately. They both look around the room.

Connie          Right. Okay? Oh.

 

She suddenly checks her bag/pockets, looks round the room.

Tristan          Y’alright?

 

Connie          Yeah just thought I’d lost my phone. No there it is. Okay. Happy?

 

Tristan          Yeah. You?

 

Connie          Yeah.

 

Tristan          Okay.

 

Connie          Let’s go.

 

They take a breath.

Connie          and Tristan, together, walk out into the real world for the first time.

Dr James, alone, looks at the door, looks at the cup/pills beside her, decides, and takes them.

Underneath this we hear the sound of an EEG: electrical activity in the brain produced by neurons firing. Underpinning this is thebass of a heart beat from an ECG. These are the sounds of human love.

End experiment.

 

 

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About the Author : Cat Lai


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